04-10-2008 - Moving may be delayed.

My mood while writing this blog: Sad

Well we finally had a move in date for this coming Thursday but things are not going so well. As a matter of fact we have pretty much broke up. I wish I could say I'm through with him but I'd hate to eat my words later and end up still moving in on Thursday. I love him so much and I know he loves me but every fight we have, rather it be petty or major, he wants to say that this will never work out and run (break up). Then he has flashbacks I guess from what his wife put him through with all the cheating she did and he starts accusing me of it and says that this isn't his baby and all kinds of mean crap. I honestly believe he is Bi-polar or Phsyco because he has episodes that he cannot control and it runs in his family. I don't know how much more I can handle of his mood swings. 95% of the time he is an awesome man...no other man has ever been soo good to me as he is but the other 5% of the time..honestly sometimes scares me. When it's bad...it's really bad. He says horrible things to me and cannot control his temper. He has never touched me, I think he knows better, but he likes to slam doors, punch things, break things and say the meanest things he can think of to say. Then later try to appologize for all of it. Well being in law enforcement for the past 11 years I know the trend of acting on impulse then asking for forgiveness later is something that never stops. I am trying to imagine my future and how I want it to be for me and my sons. This baby will have to deal with his daddy regardless of rather or not we are together but my oldest son doesn't. My oldest son has issues of his own to deal with and I don't think this is a good situation for him. I want to think that things can work and that every man has their faults some are worse than others. Being married to my now X-husband for 8 years I was miserable all the time because he didn't love me and showed no affection after I became pregnant will my 7 year old. That was a miserable way to live. I am not miserable with the man I am with now for the majority of the time he is the man of my dreams....absolutely the perfect man any woman could ask for. But he has his faults that just sometimes out weighs how wonderful he is. I'm not asking for guidence in this situation just prayers. Noone can persuade me either way, it's a decision I have to make on my own. I know the pros and cons, I just have to decide what is best for me and my boys. Having the law enforcement background I know the ends and outs of situations like mine. I pray my baby doesn't have the mental problems that runs in his daddy's family too. I hope this baby is healthy...physically and mentally. My oldest is Bi-polar like his daddy but it's not the same as this other situation. He doesn't have the extreme ups and downs like that. I just want this baby to be normal and I want to put him in the best situation I can..with or without his daddy.