adnorel's I-am-pregnantblog

adnorel
	Age: 32 Country: USA Province/region: Texas City: Partner: Tony Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: No Occupation: Claim's Examiner/Peace Officer
	Online: More than 3 months ago Last updated: 342 days ago. Member since: 1296 days
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19-10-2008 - Mad at the World

My mood while writing this blog:
Depressed

My boyfriend made me realize something the other day with this little comment he made. He told he loved me very much and that I was a very sweet person but I was also a very angry person. Did he ever hit the nail right on the head with that comment. Tonight as I sit there in the bathroom bawling my eyes out because my son had frustrated me past the point that I just couldn't handle it anymore and the bathroom was the only place I could go and people wouldn't be walking in on me crying. I don't like anyone to see me cry. Sometimes I wish I could just run away from life. My son is bi-polar as I have mentioned several times before and the phsyciatrist put him on the lowest dose of Abilify there is and said for a week break them in half then after that give him a whole one well he did so well with just the half I discussed with the Dr to just leave him on the half so we did that has been a year now. This medicine has some side effects that I don't like at all and wish he didn't have to take like impotency when he's an adult...I hate to think that I gave him something as a child that could mess him up as an adult...but this is the best medicine for his disorder at this time and he desperately needed it. There are other side effects that are irreversable like body twitches but luckily he has not had any of that and so I'm guess he won't get that because from what I understand it is a side effects that shows up quickly. Well the other side effect is weight gain and he was already a big boy to start with so he has put on even more weight and currently is about 4'8" and 120 pounds..my little football player for sure. But I wanted to take him off the meds and see how he would do now that he knows he has to control himself but with the move and all he has had to be left on it. I have almost been tempted lately to actually put him on the whole dose as originally planned and avoided because he has just been horrible for the past month. I have recently figured out my son is a spoiled brat...he has always gotten everything he ever wanted that was reasonable of course. But as soon as I started saying no to things that has been a battle big time. I feel like I have completely failed as a mother my son is sooo bad when it comes to certain situations...like him not getting his way. His back talk, his "Why"s, his "Please"s after he gets an answer and several things. I felt like I've tried everything I know to do with discipline in several different ways and he is just sooo much like me as far as being bull headed I'm running into a brick wall..over and over and over again. It's a never ending battle that I am loosing over and over and over again. I don't have patience for him period. He tells me he hates me constantly which I know all kids say at some point but lately I've wanted to say it back like a child. I love him but I absolutely hate his actions and the way I've raised him although I thought I had tried everything to get him to be a good child/adult. But apprantley I failed somewhere along the road and I know alot of it has to do with spending 6 years of his life not spending enough time doing things with him because I was constantly trying to work on my marriage that failed before it ever started. I spent too much time looking over his daddy's shoulders to see if he was cheating again with someone over the internet that I was too afraid to leave his side to go outside or sit on the floor and play with my child. Luckily for the majority of that time we lived with Nana who spent some time with him as I should have been doing. He was such a hard baby with acid reflux and colic then his toddler years were miserable I just kept finding myself thinking I can't wait until he is older. Most people wish their kids were infants/toddlers again..Not I...I am soo glad that is over and I am sooo scared to start over with a new one. I can't bare the thought of having another child that I have no patience for. I pray to God constantly that this baby be healthy physically and mentally because I'm not sure I could go through all this again. And I also pray he give me the guidance I need to raise this one better than my first. My boyfriend is right by saying I am a very angry person. I am angry at myself for not knowing how to correct the situation with my son, not knowing how to fix my son's weight problems, and knowing that I got myself pregnant again being totally unprepared and bad timing. My family does not like my boyfriend and for the most part he is really good to me and my son. Me and my mom I feel have no real relationship, I want her to be my bestfriend so bad but she despises me. I can't stand my lazy ass brother because he is soooo lazy, I love him dearly but I can't stand the way he lives and we all live together at the moment (he is 34) and yet I do more around the house than he does and I catch all the hell from mom when things aren't right. HELLO Yell at him for a change please....I want to move out with my boyfriend but I am so afraid too. Afraid of how him and my son will get along living together especially since my boyfriend does not handle stress well and my son can definitely stress a person out. I have told my OB Dr several times I need some meds because I can't stand myself sometimes or the world around me but she just doesn't seem to want to put me on anything right now to help. I know I need something to help me be a happier person...I'm tired of hating myself and the world around me. Everytime I try to be a happier person I fail mainly because my son will do something he knows he's not allowed to do and that makes me sooo mad. I feel like I constantly yell at him but then if I take a step back and try to understand why I yell at him constantly he shows me by doing something else bad. And for my house...my house is sooooo cluttered and dirty right now it drives me insane, 3 adults and 1 child living in this house hold when we all have had our own place at one time there isn't enough room for all our shit to fit in here. My brother kicked my son out of his room so currently he either sleeps with me or nana because he doesn't even have a room to sleep in. Then when my brother has his kids over he keeps his head burried in the computer playing Dungeons and Dragons and doesn't spend any time with his kids and lets them run wild and doesn't clean up their mess because he is soooo lazy. I feel like there is nothing happy going on in my life. My boyfriend tries to cuddle to me and I try not to show it but sometimes I just want him to get away from me and stop being so clingy. It gets on my nerves because I'm in such a bad mood I can't handle the clingyness. I don't want him to stop though because one day when I am in a better mood then I would miss it ...damned if I do damned if I don't situation. I see no end to this miserable situation I'm in...even if I do move things could get worse because of my son...atleast he is doing great in school this year and if that goes down hill I just couldn't handle it. And now with the baby coming that I wasn't ready for I just see the stress getting worse. Thank God I had most of my son's stuff still so I wont be out a bunch of money except come day care and diapers..but I have alot I have been getting out of storage and cleaning up. Oh and for the X-husband...I want to hate him and I do hate him but I want to take it out on him so bad but right now I feel so sorry for him because I know he doesn't have no money because of all the child support he has to pay and other bills but he did some of it to himself so I have to try to not feel sorry for him but now he is having some medical issues too that could be pretty scarey and stressful so I am trying my best not to put anymore stress on him which stresses me more because I hate what he did to me for so many years and I want him to pay for it for that many more years. I don't want to be nice to him after what he has done to me but I'm trying not to be mean right now. I can't stand his woman because she is the reason we aren't together and I know he is miserable with her which is kinda funny he left here to go be miserable with someone else, LOL...I know he is only still with her because he can't afford to do anything else, haha. Alot of my built up anger comes from being married to him for so many miserable years and knowing how miserable my son's life was too. And I want to make it all better and I can't...I'm just making it worse by adding the baby and moving eventually to somewhere he doesn't want to live. I don't want my son's life to be miserable anymore either. For the most part I love where I work but I hate the way the new management is running the place and I got promoted over a year ago and still haven't received proper training so I am constantly stressed with that too. So lets see now that this blog is a mile long...I'm mad at myself, my son, my brother, my mother, my living situation, my X-husband, his parents, his woman, her kids, my X-Step Daughters and their momma, my job, and this new baby I'm not ready for and to make it more wordly I don't like either of the dudes running for president and dread the future. So who am I not mad at??? Besides ya'll. LOL Wow I can't think of anything I'm not mad about in some way. I need some meds bad or something and counciling too. Which I've been that route before and they just pissed me off too.

2 Comments on Mad at the World

KATWOOD - Monday, 20 Oct
HI-
I HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE PREVIOUS COMMENT ABOUT TURNING TO GOD. I AM NOT AN OVERLY REGLIGIOUS PERSON, AND YET IN MY TIME OF TROUBLE HERE WITH OUR FIRS BABY ON THE WAY AND THE AMNIOTIC FLUID PROBLEM WE ARE HAVING, I FIND MYSELF PRAYING TO GOD EVERYDAY. I EVEN WENT AS FAR SINCE I AM ON BEDREST TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND PUT IN A PRAYER REQUEST. THE RESPONSE I GOT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES THE SECOND I BEGAN TO READ IT BECAUSE IT TOUCHED ME DEEP IN A PLACE I NEVER KNEW EXISTED. IT SAID THAT "GOD WANTS TO AND LOVES TO PERFORM MIRACLES, HE JUST WANTS US TO ASK HIM TO DO IT." WHAT I GOT FROM THAT IS HE WANTS US TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND UNDERSTAND THAT WE CANNOT DO EVERYTHING ON OUR OWN, LIKE I SEE YOU TRYING TO DO. WE NEED TO ASK FOR HELP BE IT FROM FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND MOSTLY GOD. I SEE YOU ARE COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED, JUST ONE OF THOSE PROBLEMS WOULD BE MORE THAN MANY CAN HANDLE AND YOU ARE FACED WITH AT LEAST SEVEN THAT I CAN COUNT AND PROBABLY MORE. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A PERSON TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, AND PUT MYSELF LAST. BUT IN THIS SITUATION, IF YOU ARE NOT WELL, WHICH IT SEEMS YOU ARE NOT, THEN YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY TAKE ON EVERYTHING ELSE...YOU NEED TO FIND PEACE, YOU NEED TO FIND CENTER, AND BALANCE. IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD GO TO 2 PEOPLE/PROBLEMS THAT YOU HAVE FOR HELP. I WOULD SIT DOWN AND TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND AND MOTHER AND TELL THEM ALL THESE FEELINGS YOU HAVE AND THAT YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY DO ALL THIS BY YOURSELF AND YOU NEED HELP. THOSE TWO PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND HELP AND TAKE CARE OF YOU. I'VE HAD TO DO THE SAME IN MY SITUATION WITH MY HUSBAND, I DO EVERYTHING AND I JUST CANNOT RIGHT NOW, I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE, I FEEL INCOMPETENT, I FEEL LOST.....SO I HAD TO LET SOMEONE ELSE TAKE UP SOME OF THE BURDEN, YOU JUST CANNOT PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY TAKE ALL THIS ON YOURSELF. ASK FOR HELP, AND TELL THEM TO CONFRONT YOU IF YOU DON'T ASK FOR HELP....I HAD TO TEACH MY HUSBAND THAT TOO, HE HAS TO GRAB ME AND PUT ME BACK IN BED.....BECAUSE I START DOING THINGS I SHOULD NOT....AND LASTLY BUT NOT AT ALL LEASTLY, PRAY TO GOD FOR A MIRACLE TO CHANGE THINGS IN YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER, FOR YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND THAT WILL PASS ON TO YOUR BABY AND SON, AND YOUR FAMILY....JUST ASK......I HOPE THINGS FIND YOU WELL.....KRISTEN.

Boobah815 - Monday, 20 Oct
Hi,

I came across your blog and it peaked my interest. the number one thing I can tell you is that when you're stressed out and you don't think you can handle anymore.. turn to God. I saw you mentioned him in your blog so I don't feel uneasy suggesting this to you. Every time you think things are bad or stress is consuming your life... turn to God. I KNOW for a fact that's not easy but neither is living mad at the world.

I don't have any children yet but I have worked with autistic children and lived with bipolar people so I understand how hard it can be BUT these are the moments that you can never get back. Your son may be difficult but you have to find a way to connect with him and show him that he's loved. If he's already acting up... do you think it will be worse once the baby comes? Spend some one on one time with him.. away from your home. It doesn't matter if you're just going outside with him... try to connect with him but also let him know that disrespect will not be tolerated. I've learned from working with autistic children that yelling and getting angry just doesn't work.

I grew up a spoiled brat and I still catch heat for it today... there were times that I thought I hated my grandparents (they raised me) and there were times where everything was answered with "Why and But"... Lord knows I got out of that habit quick, fast and in a hurry! lol... parenting isn't supposed to be easy.. and it's definitely harder when you're raising a boy without his father but you haven't failed as a parent. You've come across some obstacles which you can definitely overcome but you have to believe that you can overcome them. You can't have a happy environment if you are not happy. You only have control over yourself... you can't worry about your brother, mom, ex, etc until you have yourself straight... until YOU are happy. Life is way too short to live unhappy. You have a wonderful BF who loves you unconditionally and you have a beautiful son (although times may be difficult at the moment) so the way I see it... you're ahead of the game.

Here's my suggestion: Take some you time. Even if that means staying in the bathroom for a couple of hours, reading a book, playing solitaire on the computer, or going to get a manicure and pedicure... take time to do ANYTHING as long as YOU are the main focus. I personally like to take a loooong scalding hot shower or do my own version of meditation in a dark room with soft music playing. Either way.. take time to make yourself happy.

As for your son.... spend time with him (without getting frustrated.. I know that's hard but try to let his bad behaviors roll off your back... FOR THE TIME BEING) Let him know that some behavior is just inappropriate and that you won't tolerate it. Maybe you can go to a group session with him. Or you could look into your local community center and see if they have any cheap arts and crafts classes... or any sports that you think he'd be into. Once you find your outlet help him find his own outlet.

Onto your family situation: I get stressed about family too but at the moment there really isn't anything you can do about it so focus on any good aspect. Also realize that they are adults and there is nothing you can do to change their actions.

As I said before... life is way too short to be angry, unhappy, or depressed. Also you have a baby growing inside of you.. this should be one of the happiest moments in your life. I don't want to be rude or make you feel bad but there are tons of women who would love to be in your shoes right now. As unhappy as you may be at times just remember that there is someone who is worse off than you.... don't worry.. be happy. Things have a way of working out and getting better. Good luck and try to be stress free!

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