09-11-2008 - Just a few Updates

My mood while writing this blog: So-So

Dr.'s Visit

Friday I went back to the Dr. and had an U/S, they estimate lil man weighs about 2 pounds 15 ounces now. He seems to be doing just fine. My Dr. delivered two babies that day so she was sooo far behind and in such a hurry she did my measurements and said see you in two weeks and I was like...Ummm about my GD. She was like Yeah, how is that going. So I showed her my log and she said it's not too bad but sometimes fasting was high (Highest 105) and that concerned her so she was like I'll see you back in 1 week then and if it's not better she's gonna put me in the hospital and on insulin. I think she is just hospital bound this time around (she is the same Dr. I had with my 8 year old but she wasn't like that the 1st time around). She put me in the hospital a few weeks back when she thought my iron was sooo bad then it ended up low but not as low as originally thought. I don't quite get why she would want to put me in the hospital when the highest my sugar has been, after eating a frosty from Wendy's, 147. Not good but not hospital bad if you ask me. Any way basically myself and lil man are doing fine. I have my 3D/4D this up coming Friday. The U/S pics from this past Friday suck...he is head down and face down so I'm really thinking the 3D ones are gonna suck too but I'm still gonna try. As soon as I get them scanned into the computer I will upload them but it wont be tonight.

Moving

I seriously think today was the final straw of not moving in and being done with him. Friday we got into a bad arguement because he was suppose to go to the Dr. with me and he didn't for multiple reasons but we had it out pretty bad over that and a few other things. And of course everytime we fight rather it be major or minor fight, he wants to break up and I told him that is exactly why I hesitated moving in because I don't want to get all moved in then next fight he is kicking me and my son out. I also hesitated having my son's B-day party as his house for the fear of him and I getting into an arguement and at the last minute he saying it couldn't be at his house...sorry but I don't have the phone #s of all the kids Cody invited to say sorry location was changed. So I made up with him Friday night just simply to get past my son's B-day party which was yesterday and it went great. Well today we all (him, I and my oldest son) went to the movies and had a great time then came to mom's house and ate dinner then went to the store and on the way home...shit hit the fan. Him and my son had been joking back and forth and Cody said I would hurt you but I can't I'm a kid and as I spoke up to tell Cody that was ugly joking or not you don't say that and Wayne went off the deep end. Saying crap like he would never have a child talk to him that way and had he said that to his dad his dad would have knocked the shit out of him...anyway just went on and on totally overreacting to Cody joking. I understand telling Cody it was wrong to say but he was only joking geesh. But a few months ago I told him if he ever went off the handle in front of my child again I was done and I meant it. He made my son cry over stupid shit. Cody didn't know what to think about Wayne and I arguing over something Cody said. I felt sooo bad for Cody and for myself knowing that this was exactly the reason why I haven't moved in yet...I was just waiting on the next fight for us to break up again knowing that it was coming sooner or later and I kept hoping for sooner so that I wouldn't be all moved in already when it happened. I only have a few things at his house, It would take a little help and a truck and maybe a couple hours but I could get it all in one day and not wear anyone out. I think tomorrow night when he goes to work, to avoid confrontation, I am going to go get what I have at his house provided I can get the help because some of it I can't move. Problem with this is my mom wants me out of her house soooooo bad and so does my brother because he is taking my room. They are both constantly commenting on my moving out and when I do and how bad they can't wait until I'm gone. It really hurts my feelings with all their comments but I've just tried my best to ignore them or blow them off. I want out just as bad as they want me out...but I want my own place...not in with Wayne. I wont be able to afford my own place until income tax comes in because there is no way I can come up with $1000 to pay for deposits, rent and all to get moved into a place before then. I sometimes hate myself for getting myself into the position I'm in...hormones or not I think I would feel the same way. I hate the life I have given for my oldest son and the life I know is coming for my unborn son. His dad is sooo bipolar and an alcoholic. I wish he wasn't so good to me outside of those two problems because I wouldn't have stayed with him this long and I wouldn't be in this position. But God he is soooo good and being good when he's not being bad and that is why I hung on for so long and accidentally got myself in a horrible situation. I know I'm not the only woman out there that has gotten pregnant in a bad situation but I'm here to tell you it sucks and I hate myself for it. I seriously pray that God will bless me with an easy baby this time because I don't think I could handle another child like my first...he was such a hard baby and he is still hard to deal with and I can't do it again. I had my mom to help tremendously with my first son and I had a bipolar husband that liked to cheat but atleast his moods swings weren't unpredictable like this baby's daddy. I hate my X for everything he put me through but I only lived in fear of him cheating...that's easy to live with compared to Wayne. I know there are people out there that only wish they could have kids but instead sometimes God puts them in ugly situations and I'm with them on wondering why....I really wish it was someone with problems conceived this baby than me that is in no position to have this baby now. I always wanted another child...but not like this. When I found out I was pregnant this time I seriously contimplated abortion and I have NEVER been one to believe in that and there is no way I could do that but the thought crossed my mind knowing the situation I'm in. I could never adopt one out either...he's mine and I will love him dearly and so will my son but I'm soooo sorry I'm bringing him into this messed up world and my messed up life. I love Wayne so much and this hurts so bad but I know I can't live like this and the unstable relationship we have. The one and only man I have ever trusted and made me feel like a queen I have to let go of because he is unstable. Unfortunately I've put myself in a position to have to deal with him for the rest of my life, and both my son's lives. All I can do is think about how sorry I am for both of them.