08-1-2011 - letting it all out

My mood while writing this blog: perplexed

Okay, everything is like hitting me at once....short (will probably be long though) summary of my journey into motherhood. First baby at 16, not planned of course, married two months after graduation to the man 'who saved my life'. One year later he adopted my daughter and then we had a DS 6 months later. He was planned, only took 2 months to concieve. Not planned, superstar hubby turning into alltime cheating dipsh!* and later divorced when 23. Was very content with it just being me and my babies, bought my house and two cats.....was going to be the single cat lady on the block! Had no intentions of ever, ever getting married again let alone any more babies. Wanted to get my tubes tied but no go since was too young (good thing now) . Then met incredible, wonderful man in '07 who is now my DH, shocked the hell out everyone, let alone myself getting married again. DH is a bit older that me (29/36), and he doesn't want to be the 'old man' at his kids' school events (his words not mine) so we agree that i would stop the pill the day we got married. Thinking it would take awhile to concieve (been on the pill for 6 years) we got the shock of our lives that we brought back a stow-away from our honeymoon. Had DS2 1/10.

We want another, hence why I am here on TTC. I quit taking the mini pill in October to start working on #4. I was still nursing so didn't expect anything to happen right a way. I just had my first cycle and the BD for baby 4 starts tomorrow. Things have been a bit overwhelming with a very busy 13 yo DD, 9yoDS and now 1yo DS and the holidays, birthdays, work...DH and i had quit a tiff 2 days ago and now wondering, wow are we ready to add to the chaos??? Buts isn't that just like saying 'let's wait till we have saved up and financially ready for a baby I for one don't believe there is ever being ' financially ready' for a baby (we can definatley afford another baby). Is anyone truely ready???

I really don't want to have a Dec Jan baby, even Nov is pushing it so we would need to concieve this month or have to put things on hold. I bought OPK to help get the job done. DH isn't bothered by a Nov, Dec,Jan...he said the lord will bless us when it is meant to be. Then we get into my 'issues'. I didn't have this problem/feeling with my first two but with #4 I am worried about taking time away from #3, it makes me feel sad. Also, with #3 i had and actual maternaty leave and was able to be home for 3 months (i went back to work/school 2 weeks after 1 and 2) With this leave i realize how MUCH i missed out on of my babies growing up and SOOOOOOOOOO want to be a stay at home mommy. Having #4 will make me want that even more, but it is not feasible for us to live on one income, plus i carry the family insurance. I want to throw myself to the groung like a 3 year old and kick and scream it's not fair, it's not fair! Does anyone else feel, or have felt anything like this?

In my perfect world, we'd have millions, i could stay home with my babies, and have a spotless house.....too bad there is no such thing as percect! Maybe i should try and find the 'easy button' from Staples instead!!