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13-8-2009 - Post-Miscarriage: Healing, the first few steps of the journey

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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How weird is it that I update my blog here a LOT more now, after losing my baby, than I did when I still thought it was going to live?

I was exhausted last night after only getting a little less than 3 hours of sleep the night of the m/c. Hubby and I went to bed around 10:05 pm. We lived with hubby's parents for 4 years before buying our house. It really was the ONLY way we were able to afford our house. It was interesting and depressing at times being in our mid-almost late 20's and still living "at home". But hey, it's what he had to do to get where we are now. We used to stay up realllllly late just talking about when we first met, when we were kids and all the funny lil stories of us with our friends, what we'd do to get into trouble, etc.

We really haven't done this much since moving out. You just sort of get into a routine, come home from work, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed, maybe have sex, go to sleep. You get it right? Well, last night, we talked for about 2 1/2 hours, just like we used to. We laughed and laughed and laughed at stories of being in middle school and the fear of showering in front of the other kids. We talked about our arms being used as leverage whilst being spanked by parents. Talked about our selective hearing when parents were yelling for us to do chores. It was awesome. It's just exactly what I needed. During the 2 1/2 hour fun fest I reaffirmed about 273 times why I love this man, and just how much I love this man.

When he called his mom to tell her about the impending m/c, he could hardly talk, trying to hold it together. She was just as heartbroken as we were. My heart broke into a million pieces having to stand there and watch the man I love tell his mom that his baby was not going to be. After he hung up, he threw his arms around me and said, I know this will make us stronger. Now, you hear the stories of couples who grow farther apart after a tragedy. You also hear about it bringing some couples closer together.

A good friend of mine reminded me of something. Having experienced this m/c will make us appreciate any future baby/babies just *that* much more. I used to tell her how I had to have a complete asshole boyfriend who was extremely verbally abusive--to be able to appreciate the amazing man that is Ryan. I STILL remind myself of how I had to find a turd to be able to appreciate the diamond I ended up with! Good things don't often come along in life, but when they do, you have to not only hold onto them, you have to remember, and quite often, just how blessed you are. I find that it often takes a tragedy or a scare of some sort to remind you how lucky you are, as a lot of times, the daily grind of life and the petty shit that doesn't matter at all sometimes gets in the way.

Tonight Ryan and I went to a used book store and then to Barnes and Noble. I got:

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss By: Ann Douglas and John R. Sussman, M.D.

What to Expect Before You're Expecting: The Complete Preconception Plan

On a physical miscarriage note:

I passed the placenta today. I thought I had passed everything but the blood. I didn't even *think* a 6 week m/c would have a placenta really, since the yolk sac acts as the "placenta" till the placenta is fully formed, but then I was like, well DUH it doesn't just appear over night, it's developing the whole time, it is part of what the embryo is very early on. I guess I just didn't put 2 and 2 together so to speak. I'm still sporadically having cramps, but the bleeding is like a period about the 2-3 day of a 5-6 day cycle. I just reallllllllllllllllllly hope I got everything out of my uterus that needs to come out! I really don't want to have to have a D&C, mainly because I don't have insurance. I'll have insurance in January though, which is nice.

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1 Comments on Post-Miscarriage: Healing, the first few steps of the journey


min41 - Thursday, 13 Aug
Great story. I too feel closer to my husband than ever before. We are very lucky to have good men. Remember the cramps that you are having are also bringing your uterus back to the normal size. I had these for 5 days after my miscarriage and then my stomach was much flatter and I was less hormonal etc.