18-8-2009 - Post-Miscarriage: Carrying on

My mood while writing this blog: Optomistic

I've still been passing small to medium sized (dime to quarter) bits of tissue. Each time I think, I have to have gotten it all out now, finally! Then the next day, more. The bleeding has gotten significantly less though. I have an U/S on Monday AUg 24th to make sure it's all out. I'm soooo praying it is. I don't have the money for a D&C. I mean, I'd have to get it and find the money, but just knowing that money could be spent on a future pregnancy is frustrating (should I have to get it done). I returned to work Monday for an hour and 45 mins. And then today back to my normal time.

I was having BAD anxiety about returning to work, but I actually found that it kept me occupied and not thinking about my situation constantly. All day yesterday the hormones were killing me. I couldn't sit there and not feel on the verge of tears. Then in bed last night, I just lost it. I cried on my hubby for probably 45 mins. The whole time he was telling me it was okay and talking to me. I don't know what I'd do without him.

have any of you that have had a m/c felt much much closer to your hubby after? I didn't think I could love Ryan more than I already did, but each day I love him more and more and more. When I'm not around him, I get this overwhelming urge to be with him. I feel like I couldn't be close enough even if I crawled into his body! Is this creepy or am I normal? I keep staring at him and realizing how in love with him I am. I've even been really turned on (Crazy I knowwww!) I know there's no way I could have sex right now, I'm still bleeding and passing tissue, but I keep thinking about being with him again. I feel like a huge creep for even thinking like this, we just lost our baby!!!! Ugh, it's frustrating and my guess is it probably has something to do with the hormones as well.