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27-3-2009 - depressed..

My mood while writing this blog: sad

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Alright well...I will need to give some info on me before my pregnancy so you can get the idea of whats going on here...I have battled severe depression for many years now...Im only 21 but I have had alot of trauma already in my short life. I lost my mother to cancer at 16...never really had a father...was pretty much abandoned to raise myself after my mom died. I became pregnant with my first at 17 and at that point I wasn't aware I had bipolar disorder. After I had my first, I suffered from severe postpartum depression which lasted a year and for that year my daughter was taken away and was living with my sister. That was the toughest year ever. So when I got pregnant with my son at 19 I knew I was at risk for the depression and told my doc at around 14 weeks I needed some meds. bc I was not going through that again. She put me on Wellbutrin and I stayed on that my entire prengnacy and seemed to be doing well...When I had him I got depressed again despite the meds. but luckily it only lasted 4-5 days and went away. Well, now pregnant with my third...I feel more depressed this time than I have in the past pregnancies. My hormones are just all over the place. I told my doctor I needed some meds..and he wants to wait until I'm in my 2nd trimester but he doesn't have any idea how this feels. I need those meds now...I just feel like the most horrible person because of this depression I havent been fulfilling my job as a mother lately...and I have no friends or family to help me...and my husband works alot so what do you do...anyone who hasn't gone through this may say just suck it up and do what you gotta do...but its not that simple for a depressed person. I just wish I could be normal. I have already been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, manic depressive, borderline personality disorder...too much crap to deal with. I mean, I know I will have to take medicine for my whole life...that doesnt bother me...I just dont feel I deserve this. I get mad all the time and just break down and cry because I can't change this...I don't feel worthy of anything right now.

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2 Comments on depressed..


pumpkinbutt697 - Monday, 8 Jun
I too can understand the trials and tribulations of severe depression and anxiety. Although I've never been fully treated in years, alittle bit of me is scared to find out what else I may have. The only advice I can really give is to try to think of just your unborn child and how much they will love you no matter what. It's sucks being unhappy all the time when all your really looking for is happiness and contentment but you have to be strong for them. Also meditation can help, to be in extremely quiet places not to think, but to breath very slowly till your almost alseep but not quite. I understand how hard it is when your brain can't stop thinking and analyzing everything to avoid any situations that may make you uneasy. I am currently on no medication because I never wanted to NEED to be on something in order to be happy. But sadly I do too need something to keep myself somewhat sane. I get alot of times what my family calls black zones. Where I do not even feel like I'm really there. Almost high like state, very fuzzy and emotionless. Please be as strong as you can for your baby and babies. It's just you and them, nothing else matters. And although we do have to seme what deal with these tribulations we face day to day the key is not give up EVER. I myself feel very weak and have been in and out of self harm just thinking of what would happen to just let it all go. But you have to be strong in that sense. I may not have been through specific scenarios that you have. But I have pain as well that is very overbearing. I don't understand why I can't just "get with the program" but I pull off seeming to be a calm and collected person. I write out what I feel and think and it helps me some. Everyone is different but in the same sense you are not alone. If you EVER need a friend or someone to just blow some steam at I will be here for you. There is too much hate and anger in the world for people to just add on to it by disregarding or discriminating against people all looking for the same thing is this world, Purpose. So I am here for you and anyone else who needs it. I may not be able to give you a hug and tell you all will be alright. But I can help through writing and understanding and welcoming of all.

Hope you have a beautiful day!
~*Shannon*~

Grace - Saturday, 28 Mar
I know exactly what you're talking about ---sounds a lot like my story ...tons of trauma at a very young age and being left depressed and anxious and never realizing I was actually dealing with these things just felt bad and didn't know why. At least you know what's going on. But I would recommend that if you're not on any meds right now then let this be your time to be weened off, because they are dangerous for you and the baby, I know people will not agree with this. But I take herbal supplements to help me and they are safe! Work faster than prescriptions and have almost No side effects, I say almost but I've never had a problem at all. I actually went for a few months when we didn't have to money for me to order more and I got horribly depressed and didn't even recognize that was why, so when I finally got more I could DEFINITELY tell the difference. Thank God for His plants, natural medicine. But I think for Bi polar disorder you would have to look into Sam-E , I've never used it...I'm actually on 5-htp and L-tyrosine, and the well known St. John's Wort, for my anxiety I take passion flower or valerian (which is nature's valium, it is actually a base in valium).
But you should google herbal therapy for bi polar disorder. I hope this helps, it is pretty cheap to get these, I go to Swanson Vitamins online.
God bless!