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12-4-2009 - Well, its come down to this

My mood while writing this blog: upset

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Well, as some of you know that I have been very depressed lately.. It has finally broke me down so bad I can't come back from it on my own. The medicine is not working and I have become suicidal. Going to see my doctor tomorrow and tell him whats going on and then going to commit myself to the hospital. I need more help than my family can give me right now. I love my kids soooo much and all I want for them is to be happy and have a happy life...and if I have to stay in the hospital for a few weeks so I can provide that so be it. No one deserves to feel this way..to feel like there is no hope..to feel like the worst person on earth. I have been through soo much in my life but this has really got me. I am 10 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and I have got to get right before this baby comes. No, I am not crazy or insane I just have had a hard life and have a bunch of disorders that are usually controlled by medication but this time its not working. In times like this I lose all faith...all sense of direction. All I want is to be happy and for my family to be happy. Is that to much to ask? Im not asking for a million dollars or something out of reach..how hard is it to grant me this one wish? Pretty damn hard I suppose. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs...every time it seems everything starts to go in the right direction it turns bad almost instantly. Like, why the hell even work because as soon as we get our paycheck its gone in less than 5 days. Fuckin light bill 400-500 dollars every month...as much as damn rent...WHAT THE FUCK? My family can never get a damn break. The damn tire blew yesterday and don't have the money to get a new one..damn rent is going up in May. How can anyone live through this shit? I can't give my kids everything I want to and I have to feel like shit about it all the time. I tend to dwell on things that could happen in the future. Worried how I will send my kids to college, how will I be able to buy them cars, how will I be able to buy the brand names they will so desparately want. I won't be able to...and I will feel like shit! I'm just sick of life in general..all I have is my family...everything else can go to hell. I just don't understand why things happen like they do...good people that are trying to make it in life can't make it...and the bad people that aren't trying to do anything get everything on a silver platter...makes me so sick. You might say I need a chill pill but dammit if I ain't mad. Well, Im outta hear...sorry for all the rambling...but it makes me feel a little better...

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3 Comments on Well, its come down to this


Chantelmabel - Monday, 13 Apr
hey hun, i hope u feel better soon, ul be as fresh as spring rain when u come out, u just need a bereak, its not easy having two other kids plus the emotional rolercoaster of being pregnant! if u ever want someone to ramble on to il always listen, and looks like there are others that wll listen too.. you are ur main priority right now so take care of yourself, im sure u have plenty of people to take care of ur kids while you get yourself better! :) talk soon x x x x

beccaboo1117 - Monday, 13 Apr
I've also been where you are, had two stays in hospitals, and two attempts. Please know that it will get better, Take care of yourself and just know that you are not alone. Life is so hard sometimes, and it's ok to need some help from time to time. Your children love and need you, just remember that, I know it's what has gotten me through time and time again. IF you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate

Fingers crossed 3rd time lucky - Monday, 13 Apr
Hun im sorry you feel like ending your life. I also felt like that and tried more than once, i overdosed twice once they had to bring my body back to life.
I had counceling, which really worked and took me out of my rut.. I hated myself..
I realised that i am worth something, and have alot to live for.. And alot of friends and familly supported me through it.. you can do it luv.. Take good care of yourself.. if you ever need a chat, i can relate to how you are feeling.. Speaking to a stranger may help you x