09-2-2009 - Feeling Guilty

My mood while writing this blog: Guilty/Sad

Ok so my son wouldnt breastfeed from the begining. So I pumped and gave him the breastmilk and supplemented with formula for about 3 weeks. Well I only had a manual pump so it was hard to pump several times a day. So I stopped and gave him only formula.

Well every formula we've tried him on since day one has made him throw up really bad. First he was on the regular milk based Nestle Good Start. Then they switched him to Isomil Soy while we were still in the hospital. He did better on that for a couple of days. Then started throwing it up really bad again. WIC only covers Good Start so we had to give him their brand of soy formula. He didnt do any better on that either.So his dr switched him to the Similac Alimentum. He threw that up worse than the soy. So back to soy it was. His dr said then if he is gaining weight, which he was, to not switch his formula and that he's just going to be a baby that throws up. He also put him on 1 ml of Zantac twice a day for acid refulx.

Well a couple of weeks go by and the throwing up seems to get better then worse again. He throws up 2-3 mouthfuls every time we burp him. So I switched his formula without the dr's permission. I put him on Similac Sensitive RS. It is lactose free and has the added rice starch that is supposed to thicken in his tummy. He did excellent on it for a couple of weeks he barely spit up. But now he is back to his old routine. It seems like when his body gets used to the formula, he starts throwing it up again.

Well I decided when he was 9 weeks old, after 6 weeks of not pumping, that I was going to try and get my breastmilk back. Re-lactating. Easier said than done. I pumped for 3-4 weeks straight with an electric pump. 6-8 times a day, 15 mins at a time. Nothing. I started eating oatmeal and taking Fenugreek. Nothing. I got prescribed Reglan but it made me sleep all day so I quit taking it. But after all that hard work I still got no milk back. I would get a few small tiny drops every couple of days. But it would be really really thick. So I gave up. And I feel terrible about it. I never should have stopped pumping in the first place. And I would have tried to re-lactate sooner if I had known that it was possible. It never occured to me to call the lactation specialist from the hospital where I delivered.

But I feel so bad. Everyone keeps telling me its ok. And that I can try to breastfeed my next baby. But what about this baby? I dont know why but I feel like he needs the breastmilk to stop him from throwing up. I cant guarentee that it will make him stop but I feel it might help a little. When I was giving it to him before he was still throwing up bad but I was also giving him formula when I didnt have enough breastmilk to give him. I feel like I'm not working hard enough to get my milk back and that there might be something else I can do to help him stop puking so much. But I've been assured that there isnt much I can do but deal with it. It was just so hard to pump every 2 hours w/ a baby that has to be attached to my hip all day. He will sit with other people but not for long. He is a momma's boy right from the begining. Not saying there's anything wrong with that, its just hard when I had to pump as much as I did.

Well I am off to bed. Going to cuddle with my little man for a while. I'll probably need to get up and change his clothes before long. They'll be vomit covered in no-time. Yay.

Gotta love being a mommy! (only being semi-sarcastic, I love being a mommy. Seeing that smile every day makes it worth it)