| annas-momma | |
 | Age: 26 Country: US Province/region: City: Chicago Partner: Brandon Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: Not anymore Occupation: Stay at home Momma and University of Phoenix student. |
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Okay. So. I don't even know where to start this because its so insanely random. Really. So I'm just gonna dive right in, okay?
I'm so fat it makes me sick. I don't think it would bother me so much if I wasn't already trying to do what I could. I mean, at what point am I going to say, "Okay. This is how I am. Deal." and actually believe myself? I'm to the point where I don't even like to look in mirrors. Gar. Don't I sound emo? I probably shouldn't even mention that when I really have raging PMS that I am in tears while I shower because of how gross I think I am. I mean... yuck. Now, I could go back into how I can blame my father for my poor body image and blah blah blah... but you don't want to hear that. Hell, I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear me rant about my weight at all! But tonight is just one of those nights where I just want to yell. As I'm trying to make sure I have running clothes out (if I even get the CHANCE to go running tomorrow) and trying to decide if I should do pilates or yoga while Anna naps... I get so frustrated and disappointed because I have nothing to show for the work I do. I don't eat crap... because every time I mention that I can't lose weight people are always like, "Well what are you eating? Maybe you should cut junk food out of your diet!" No shit?! Man... and here I thought that the twinkies were good for me! LOL Believe me, I watch what I eat and don't eat crap. Even during the holidays, I've stayed away from a lot of sweets. So.... I guess thats just my rant. I work and work, and I'm still a fatty fatty fatty.
Its killing my relationship with my husband. And the guilt is going to be the death of me. Honestly, I don't believe a word he says if he says anything about me being beautiful or pretty... and lets not even begin on how upset I get when he says anything about *SEXY* beacuse DEAR SWEET JESUS does it get me riled up... I get all crazy carnival freak crazy on his ass... he is lucky I don't scratch his eyes out. I guess I feel like he is lying to be when he says those things. I know... I'm a little over the top. But you know what I mean.
And then I get soooo much more guilt rushing over me because... well, I want to have another baby. I know I would gain weight with another pregnancy and that my skin will lose even more elasticity (did I just spell that right?) but that would be so welcomed. I just watch how Anna plays and I am always thinking about what a great big sister she would be and what a wonderful little helper she would love to be. But I can't have another baby for a lot of reasons. One of them is because I'm on anti-anxiety pills and I would like to be off of those before I got pregnant. I'm already slowly being weaned off of them, so I should be completely off of them by the new year... yay! Another reason is because I feel like since I'm so fat, that I am not healthy enough to be pregnant. I was crazy healthy once I found out I was pregnant with Anna... but before that I wasn't a health freak at all. I was thin by all means, a size 4, but I smoked and ate junk food and partied and drank a looooot. So I really am healthier now that I was before I got pregnant with Anna. I guess I still can't shake the idea that fat=unhealthy. Again... I can go back to daddy issues, bit thats for another day.
Brandon doesn't want to have another baby, so thats pretty much the #1 reason for not having another baby yet. He gets a say so! LOL I don't want to have another baby unless I have him into it 100%. I know he wants to have another baby "eventually"... but I just have the overwhelming feeling that the time will never be okay to him. Financially, we could always be doing better, the world could be doing better, we could always be in a better house, town, state! So its upsetting because I feel like its just never going to happen.
My family, mostly my mother, would not be excited if I was pregnant again. I mean, she would eventually come around. But she has the tendency to say insanely rude things and not realize she is sounding like a bitter old woman. And shes not even 50 yet! A friend of mine has a 6 month old and found out she is pregnant again and my mother kept saying "Oh. Poor thing. What is she going to do?" Well, CLEARLY, she is going to have a baby in 9 months!! My sister had her second child when her son was just short of 2 years old... and my mom *STILL* won't SHUT THE FRICK UP about how Aidan and Jayla are too close in age. I guess a little of me fears what my mom would say if I got pregnant again. Even more, what she would say if I told her I INTENTIONALLY got pregnant again.
And I'm not even going to start on what Brandon's parents would say. We mentioned in passing conversation once that SOMEDAY we THINK we would LIKE to POSSIBLY have another baby SOMEDAY and his dad lost his damn mind over it. I hate him. I really do. ARGH.
I shouldn't be in such a bad mood... especially because its Christmas night. But Brandon is in bed next to me snoring and Anna has been in bed (with her new baby doll from Santa) for hours... and this is just my time to think to myself I guess. And those are the things that I can't shake out of my head tonight... being fat and wanting a baby.
I told Brandon in the car while we were driving to his parent's house that I like the name Jude if we ever have a boy. He made a comment about how he doesn't like any of the boy names I like... and he doesn't. I like Jude, Chase, Charlie, Collin, James, and Jack. And of those names, the only one Brandon likes is Jack. LOL Not that it matters. We aren't having a baby again any time soon. But anywho, I was thinking about that today and it came back into my mind this evening and got me thinking about babies. But on the subject of names, I think if we ever have another girl her name will be Lily, Leah or Elizabeth. I like Samantha and Greta (Margaret) but Brandon absolutely is against those two. Oh well.
I'm beginning to feel the Tylenol PM kicking in... good. I can't sleep much at all lately.
But before I go off to sleep land, I want to make sure that I point out that I had a WONDERFUL Christmas!! I love my Anna Gracie so much, it occasionally brings me to tears. Watching her open her presents and see her love the baby doll and read her new books. Watching her dance at church... oh boy was THAT fun. As the pastor talked about Christmas, he had the children come up front and sit on the floor with him... of COURSE he wanted Anna up there. She kept wanting to give the other kids hugs, and pointed to everyone's feet and said, "SHOE! SHOE! SHOE!" and was giving high-fives to all the people in the front row. And every time the music was playing, she was right in front twirling. Oh my goodness, I can't even tell you how adorable she was... of course, all the other kids were sitting and listening and sitting on their parent's laps... not mine! LOL I love her so much. I hope she never loses that spirit. Ever.
Goodnight to you all and I'm going to try to sleep while this headche slowly wears off.
1 Comments on Two Rants. Maybe Three...
ambrielles mommy - Friday, 26 Dec
Hey hun, I am totally in the same boat with you on all those issues except the inlaws...mine are very understanding. I feel so fat I get soo depressed I am totally in denial. That is one of the # 1 reasons i didn't want to be pregnant b/c I had gained everything back + some. I'm soo self concious about my body that I always think cory is lying to me also. I am soo ashamed of myself in pictures. I hate them all!! I cannot believe how I've let myself go. Its insane. I never thought I would do this to myself and the thought of putting the extra baby weight on top of this literally terrifies me. My mom of course went to Abercrombie and Fitch and bought me a ton of shirts for x-mas and that was just a smack in the face. I don't honestly even like aber and fitch anymore. my mom still thinks I do for some reason...oh well.....I probably don't like it b/c i'm too fat and a little too old now. Anyhow I am deeply depressed about my weight also and you can complain to me anytime. I honestly do feel all of your pain when it comes to weight. I don't even want to have sex anymore b/c I don't want cory to see me! Its just terrible!!
| 25-12-2008 - Two Rants. Maybe Three... |  My mood while writing this blog:Disappointed. |
Okay. So. I don't even know where to start this because its so insanely random. Really. So I'm just gonna dive right in, okay?
I'm so fat it makes me sick. I don't think it would bother me so much if I wasn't already trying to do what I could. I mean, at what point am I going to say, "Okay. This is how I am. Deal." and actually believe myself? I'm to the point where I don't even like to look in mirrors. Gar. Don't I sound emo? I probably shouldn't even mention that when I really have raging PMS that I am in tears while I shower because of how gross I think I am. I mean... yuck. Now, I could go back into how I can blame my father for my poor body image and blah blah blah... but you don't want to hear that. Hell, I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear me rant about my weight at all! But tonight is just one of those nights where I just want to yell. As I'm trying to make sure I have running clothes out (if I even get the CHANCE to go running tomorrow) and trying to decide if I should do pilates or yoga while Anna naps... I get so frustrated and disappointed because I have nothing to show for the work I do. I don't eat crap... because every time I mention that I can't lose weight people are always like, "Well what are you eating? Maybe you should cut junk food out of your diet!" No shit?! Man... and here I thought that the twinkies were good for me! LOL Believe me, I watch what I eat and don't eat crap. Even during the holidays, I've stayed away from a lot of sweets. So.... I guess thats just my rant. I work and work, and I'm still a fatty fatty fatty.
Its killing my relationship with my husband. And the guilt is going to be the death of me. Honestly, I don't believe a word he says if he says anything about me being beautiful or pretty... and lets not even begin on how upset I get when he says anything about *SEXY* beacuse DEAR SWEET JESUS does it get me riled up... I get all crazy carnival freak crazy on his ass... he is lucky I don't scratch his eyes out. I guess I feel like he is lying to be when he says those things. I know... I'm a little over the top. But you know what I mean.
And then I get soooo much more guilt rushing over me because... well, I want to have another baby. I know I would gain weight with another pregnancy and that my skin will lose even more elasticity (did I just spell that right?) but that would be so welcomed. I just watch how Anna plays and I am always thinking about what a great big sister she would be and what a wonderful little helper she would love to be. But I can't have another baby for a lot of reasons. One of them is because I'm on anti-anxiety pills and I would like to be off of those before I got pregnant. I'm already slowly being weaned off of them, so I should be completely off of them by the new year... yay! Another reason is because I feel like since I'm so fat, that I am not healthy enough to be pregnant. I was crazy healthy once I found out I was pregnant with Anna... but before that I wasn't a health freak at all. I was thin by all means, a size 4, but I smoked and ate junk food and partied and drank a looooot. So I really am healthier now that I was before I got pregnant with Anna. I guess I still can't shake the idea that fat=unhealthy. Again... I can go back to daddy issues, bit thats for another day.
Brandon doesn't want to have another baby, so thats pretty much the #1 reason for not having another baby yet. He gets a say so! LOL I don't want to have another baby unless I have him into it 100%. I know he wants to have another baby "eventually"... but I just have the overwhelming feeling that the time will never be okay to him. Financially, we could always be doing better, the world could be doing better, we could always be in a better house, town, state! So its upsetting because I feel like its just never going to happen.
My family, mostly my mother, would not be excited if I was pregnant again. I mean, she would eventually come around. But she has the tendency to say insanely rude things and not realize she is sounding like a bitter old woman. And shes not even 50 yet! A friend of mine has a 6 month old and found out she is pregnant again and my mother kept saying "Oh. Poor thing. What is she going to do?" Well, CLEARLY, she is going to have a baby in 9 months!! My sister had her second child when her son was just short of 2 years old... and my mom *STILL* won't SHUT THE FRICK UP about how Aidan and Jayla are too close in age. I guess a little of me fears what my mom would say if I got pregnant again. Even more, what she would say if I told her I INTENTIONALLY got pregnant again.
And I'm not even going to start on what Brandon's parents would say. We mentioned in passing conversation once that SOMEDAY we THINK we would LIKE to POSSIBLY have another baby SOMEDAY and his dad lost his damn mind over it. I hate him. I really do. ARGH.
I shouldn't be in such a bad mood... especially because its Christmas night. But Brandon is in bed next to me snoring and Anna has been in bed (with her new baby doll from Santa) for hours... and this is just my time to think to myself I guess. And those are the things that I can't shake out of my head tonight... being fat and wanting a baby.
I told Brandon in the car while we were driving to his parent's house that I like the name Jude if we ever have a boy. He made a comment about how he doesn't like any of the boy names I like... and he doesn't. I like Jude, Chase, Charlie, Collin, James, and Jack. And of those names, the only one Brandon likes is Jack. LOL Not that it matters. We aren't having a baby again any time soon. But anywho, I was thinking about that today and it came back into my mind this evening and got me thinking about babies. But on the subject of names, I think if we ever have another girl her name will be Lily, Leah or Elizabeth. I like Samantha and Greta (Margaret) but Brandon absolutely is against those two. Oh well.
I'm beginning to feel the Tylenol PM kicking in... good. I can't sleep much at all lately.
But before I go off to sleep land, I want to make sure that I point out that I had a WONDERFUL Christmas!! I love my Anna Gracie so much, it occasionally brings me to tears. Watching her open her presents and see her love the baby doll and read her new books. Watching her dance at church... oh boy was THAT fun. As the pastor talked about Christmas, he had the children come up front and sit on the floor with him... of COURSE he wanted Anna up there. She kept wanting to give the other kids hugs, and pointed to everyone's feet and said, "SHOE! SHOE! SHOE!" and was giving high-fives to all the people in the front row. And every time the music was playing, she was right in front twirling. Oh my goodness, I can't even tell you how adorable she was... of course, all the other kids were sitting and listening and sitting on their parent's laps... not mine! LOL I love her so much. I hope she never loses that spirit. Ever.
Goodnight to you all and I'm going to try to sleep while this headche slowly wears off.
1 Comments on Two Rants. Maybe Three...
ambrielles mommy - Friday, 26 Dec
Hey hun, I am totally in the same boat with you on all those issues except the inlaws...mine are very understanding. I feel so fat I get soo depressed I am totally in denial. That is one of the # 1 reasons i didn't want to be pregnant b/c I had gained everything back + some. I'm soo self concious about my body that I always think cory is lying to me also. I am soo ashamed of myself in pictures. I hate them all!! I cannot believe how I've let myself go. Its insane. I never thought I would do this to myself and the thought of putting the extra baby weight on top of this literally terrifies me. My mom of course went to Abercrombie and Fitch and bought me a ton of shirts for x-mas and that was just a smack in the face. I don't honestly even like aber and fitch anymore. my mom still thinks I do for some reason...oh well.....I probably don't like it b/c i'm too fat and a little too old now. Anyhow I am deeply depressed about my weight also and you can complain to me anytime. I honestly do feel all of your pain when it comes to weight. I don't even want to have sex anymore b/c I don't want cory to see me! Its just terrible!!
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