19-7-2008 - Pissed off

My mood while writing this blog: blah

I have never been so depressed in all my life. I havnt even managed to get out of bed and its near 8pm here. I dread tuesday and think i wont be able to go and i just cant be arsed with anythig anymore. my head is up my arse! I am pissed off that i have nothing to do other than occassionally grab the la top and come online. I have no one to talk to as my best friend has deserted me and slowly seems to have cut me off over the last 4 weeks, she ows me money but i dont care about that i rather have a friend i can talk to. The doc has given me disazpan and i wont go near them, thankfully i seem to have the rage under control. I hope anyway. just the depression now.

i got so angry yesterday as i hadnt cleaned my house in such a long time i tried and found maggots, me being house proud flipped out and stopped there screetching for an hour and smashing things up. couldnt even be arsed to eat as it seems to be a task to get food. had the worst headache of my life this morning and paracetamol is crap. my doc is probably sick of me yapping.

i dont feel pregnant i just feel ill all the time. i dont feel there is a baby inside of me at all i feel empty. I dont know if its the depression that makes me feel like this but as you can see by my other blogs i went frmo the happiest person to the most miserable person just by getting pregnant. I really dont care about anything anymore.

one min i was on my bike racing about the place and enjoying the freedom. going out taking pics and coming home to mates and now i am sitting about with no mates. no one.

darren has been good, i wouldnt be eating if he wasnt making me food. he cant help and no one can as its me its happening to. i really thought this was meant to be a happy time. every other mother is glowing and happy and i feel like shit. i am jealous of them and i am not even a jealous person. its only for another fwe months i kee saying but its a long time away if i am to be like this for the next 6 months.

probably get post natel depression also after the birth and i am dreading that also. seems to run in the family depression. just want to be happy again. i would pay for happiness if i could right now.