20-7-2008 - Is it unusual for me not to be excited?

My mood while writing this blog: confused

near 13 weeks now and I am getting worse. I dont feel one bit of excitement and never did. well maybe briefly at the start and even then I was having cramps and I didnt know what was happening. Cramps gone now but still the worry and pain started then. So I found out at 5 weeks I was pregnant. 8 weeks later I am miserable and havnt smiled about it at all. I want it to be over, I want to be knocked out for 6 months and wake up with a baby there as I cant see that far into the future when the days are long sitting around bored.

I now have agrphobia again, somethig that took me years to get over and since having depression,anxiety and feeling stressed for no reason with this pregnancy i have it all back again and I feel like all teh work I done over the years this has put me back again. That does piss me off. Now people are going to be wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why i am afriad to go to the hospital when I cant trust my own moods. I dont feel in control anymore. I dont want to see anyone at all. they will probably thing i was a lunitic anyway. Even though before this i was level headed and strong. how come i ended up with this? why couldnt i get a pregnancy where i didnt know till i was 5 months on or just ploughed on the same way as i did before like everyone else i know.

i know i m moaning a lot but i feel so bloody different from people. I know a few here got the same but do you ever feel alone? like no one knows how you feel. like your on your own . I have asked for help but there seems to be none. I just have to do what I always did and try and help myself.