04-12-2008 - A difficult week

My mood while writing this blog: drained

Hi all...I need to write about this...but first let me thank everyone who gave me words of prayer and encouragement in this difficult time..it means so much to me. It's amazing how a site of strangers can be such a source of great strength and courage.

Sooo Sunday I went over to Mom and dads for their 40th anniversary..wow..40 years..now right now I'm trying to focus only on positive things..but I can't deny that their marriage was not one I'd want and there were many angry chaotic times. BUT a daughter always loves her daddy and mostly always he tried very hard oonly to be very sweet and loving with me...so I have many many dear memories of him and our relationship. I was his baby..and he would sing "she is the loveliest and the sweetest" in this lil tune.. and nicknames were plenty..banana shortcake baby one of my faves..and Bonzo heheh

Monday Dec 1st, my brother and his wife came up to celebrate the anniversary of the day before and so me and my hubby went over there too. We had supper and a nice visit. Dec 2nd..I hadn't slept well and was still in my pjs around 10:30am...mom called and all I heard was crying and could make out "could you come over?" I knew right away it had to be dad and he must be either dying or gone..I said I'd be there in 10 min. So I focused my mind on getting ready fast and driving safely over there. When I arrived there was a firetruck, 2 police vehicles and an ambulance. When I went in I was taken away from my mom and questioned by a cop. My mom was being asked questions in anohter room. I guess thats standard when someone dies suddenly at home. I hadn't even officially heard if he was gone or what was going on. I was getting so annoyed and I asked him if that was necessary and if I could at least find out how my dad was. But he just kept asking questions and kind of ignored me..

Finally we were done and mom and I went to the hospital. She told me she had tried CPR but was almost sure he was gone. She was shaken up and for some reason I had it togther and so I drove. When we got there though they confirmed he had passed away and it all hit me and I lost it. It's the most bizarre thing to be THIS pregnant and find out your daddy is gone and won't see your baby...wont see me become a mommy ...wont tell me how beautiful she it..UGHHH I just get sick thinking of it. My role in our family was always to keep things happy and I knew this baby was something that would for sure make him smile and focus on positive things for awhile...I had waited all these months and now he was gone..and I was overdue...I just can't believe it

Well this week has been full of tears and then calm and tears and then laughter about old times and times to come..my hubby and I and my mom are SOO excited about this baby and know she will bring so much love and joy into our lives and we''ll move forward with her.

Today we had an apt with the gyno and he said the fluid is low and sent me for a non stress. It turned out good..movement and heartrate were good. My cervix is still not dilated and I go for another non stress on Sunday. Then if nothing has happened I will be induced Tuesday morning at 7:30am. I pray I've at least started some progress by then. I worry about my baby with low fluid...have had some nightmares involving babies being dehydrated and suffocating and I wonder if she is really ok. But I DO feel her move lots and everything is fine I guess

So I have to travel 2.5 hours to where we're having Dads service..then will be there a good 4 hours and then come home. So it'll be a long day..ideally we get home..get a good sleep and wake up Sunday morning in labour....if anyone is reading this...please add me to your prayers and maybe it will happen hehhehe..

Well it's great to get that all out...I just want to say Dad, I love you with all my heart and always believed in you and your good heart..and I know you will take care of us from the other side.

your lil banana shortcake baby