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06-11-2009 - I'm just becoming depressed..

My mood while writing this blog: unsure

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So my son is almost 7months old. Thus far I've been really strong, holding everything in, but now I just think it's time to just type and maybe let a little weight off my shoulders. So as some of you know me an my ex were together for about 2yrs then broke up, i was about 3months pregnant when it happened. I am not sad over it he is really a different person I don't even really think about him anymore. Before I was pregnant I was a party animal but I was planning on having a kid soon so I knew what to expect, what I wasn;t expecting was losing all my friends. I do not have even ONE friend that talks to me as much as they did before I was prego. I've been out maybe 4 or 5times since he was born otherwise that it is me and jayden all day every single day.

I recently just moved to Florida and I am living with my grandparents. I dont feel the need or want to go out I love staying home with jayden all day but something in the back of my mind just feels like I am going to be alone for along time. Lately I just keep thinking like I'm never going to find someone if I sit at home all day but even if I was interested in someone I couldnt even like hang out with them b/c I am always with jayden and what kind of guy wants u to bring ur kid along when u dont even know them? I think im just so worried about meeting someone i just thought it would happen alot sooner after my pregnancy I haven't been single in 9 years and now i am and have been for awhile. I think I really just need a friend. I dont even know anymore.

On top of that living at my grandparents has been hell. They are always telling me what I can and can't do with MY son. its like he is 6months old and i've raised him just fine not to mention I raised his sister from 3months to about 2yrs old! Like I know what I'm doing and how to raise my son the way I want to raise him. Such stupid things to like I got a bowl of ice cream and my grandma was like now don't give him any of that, its too much sugar! r u fucking kidding me, first of all im not 8yrs old and I know not to give him ice cream, second he is MY son IF I want to give him a little lick of my ice cream I damn well will.

I'm only 19 I can't find a job, I'm still trying to finish High School. Me an my ex once had our own apartment but I feel like I will never be able to provide a place for JUSt me and him to live. How is someone supposed to work, go to school, be around for their kids and pay the bills I just dont't get how people do it. I feel so sorry for my son I thought I could do it b/c it was so easy with his sister but now thinking long term I just feel like I am always going to need the support of my family.

I'm tired,

I'm lonely,

I'm gaining weight,

my self confidence is way low right now

I'm not even sure this blog made sense I probably said the same thing over and over (i tend to do that) but I just had to write it down hopefully sometime in the future I can look back at this and say I'm glad Im not in that spot anymore until then i guess i'll just keep on truckin~

Jayden- I love you with all my heart, you are the best thing that ever happened to me.I have never for a second regretted having you. I will always do whatever I can to better you. I am so sorry your father is not a part of your life you don't deserve that and it is not your fault. I will always be here for you. You saved my life. I love you.-Mommy

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3 Comments on I'm just becoming depressed..


Wmelon77 - Saturday, 7 Nov
Sometimes it is just best to vent. I know that a lot of people are probably reaching out to you, but I really understand where you're coming from. I really don't have any friends and sometimes I feel like it's just me and my son. If you ever need to talk I'm here and don't feel like there aren't people here for you. Most of us do come here for comfort and knowing that there are others in your same situation really does help out a lot. We can help lift each other up. Keep your head up and just trust in God that everything will eventually fall into place. Free free to write me anytime.

zoe - Saturday, 7 Nov
and as for feeling lonly you should get ur parents or grandparents to babysit for one night and you should go out with the girls enjoy yourself you never know u might meet someone, and dont feel ashamed to need the support of your family im married and my husband works but i can see myself ending up with no money towards payday due to my stupid spending ways and always having to ask my mum for money i do pay her back eventually lol, your family love u n dont grudge giving you money keep ur chin up :) right im gonna go now ive been rambling ages lol

zoe - Saturday, 7 Nov
hey dont get too stressed out take one thing at a time, doin it on your own is definatley gonna be hard im lucky to have my husband he is in the army so is away on exercises for weeks n afgahn for 6 months at a time nd during they times i feel like a single mom as im on my own and its really hard so i applaud you, your baby is beautiful and your doing a great job on your own be proud of yourself, and raise your son the way YOU feel is fit your doin a fine job, :)