29-8-2008 - Wearing my emotions on my sleeve

My mood while writing this blog: Im kinda sad really

So...I WANT to talk about this but at the same time, I dont. I feel lilke I should give him a little more time to adjust to being home, which is why im going to talk here instead of to him just yet.

My husband got home from being in Texas for the past 3 months on Tuesday. We spoke everyday while he was gone, everything was "normal" with us except for the fact that he was in Texas. He couldnt wait to get home, he's excited about the baby and he missed me.

I guess I had this movie like reunion planned in my head for us. I thought that when I picked him up at the airport that he would run to me and kiss me like he...well, like he hadnt seen me in 3 months. He would rub my belly and tell me how much he missed me and talk to my belly and everything. But, when I picked him up...Im sitting ther in a chair waiting to see him come down the hall and when I see him....he looks emotionless...he doesnt smile at me, "hi, babe" is all I heard. Obviously, the very first thing that Im thinking is that he wants to puke because he came home to a disgusting pig and he regrets it. Im sorry, Im 8 months pregnant, I cant help it. I dont care about all of you that are going to say....but YOUR PREGNANT and he loves you and all that...I have tried to prepare him for the way that I look, and he has always said...but your pregnant, dont WORRY ABOUT IT! Let em tell you, I still worry....constantly, actually.

So...I can tell he's a little suprised at how big I am, its pretty obvious. He didnt hug me, he would barely look at me really which stressed me out even more.

We leave and it was AWKWARD, Im talking it was like meeting someone from the internet for the first TIME awkward. I didnt know what to say, he obviously didnt either. We went to eat and sat there, he talked about what he was gonna do now. He is stressed and I can tell. Hes stressed about what hes gonna do now...he is not only a Husband but is now in a role where he is going to be a Father, Husband and Provider all in one VERY VERY soon.

Being pregnant and not having my Husband around for the past 3 months has been hard on me. I know that there are ladies out there that havnt seen there Husbands in a lot longer and I understand and empathize with that but thats not my situation. I NEED him. I NEED someone to show me affection, having SEX is not showing affection to me...(we have had sex since he's been back, everyday actually, but I feel like anyone can have sex, it doesnt make me feel loved to have sex)...I mean, it IS...but I could go a REALLY long time without sex, I need hugged, I need kissed, I need him to hold my hand, I need him to want to sit close to me on the couch, I need him to ask how my day was. I need him to want to be involved. I am a woman, men need the physical part of the relationship, which I do not deny him but I need something else.

The same night, I showed him him the video of the babys ultrasound, he was pretty excited to see it. Then, afterwards, he said that he didnt want to upset me but that he wasnt sure that he wanted to be in there when I "had" the baby, like at the end when Im actually HAVING him because it will be gross....I could have cried, but, I didnt because I know that he probably didnt mean it like he said it. Of course its going to be gross! GROW UP! I didnt say ANYTHING.

I needed to get this out, I want to talk to him about it but I dont want to do it too soon. I want to give him time to adjust to being home. I know that he has a lot on his mind, unfortunately, I do as well.

I have been crying for 2 days because I dont know what to do, I want nothing more than to have my Husband be my supporter and my Rock....I need this from him and I dont know how to tell him without stressing him out about other things.

Im just having a bad day, my boss is pissed and taking it out on everyone, he yelled at me for something and I started to cry and then he got even more mad...I cant stop crying and I dont have to have a damn reason to cry..I just do.

I hope things get better cause I dont need this stress right now, my face is gonna break out and my makeup is smearing.