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17-4-2009 - Aim to achieve... absolutely nothing.

My mood while writing this blog: frustrated... but resigned

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I'm a mum to Madeleine (4) and Samuel (2). I'm a wife. I'm a daughter and sister. I'm a professional person. This is how I define myself. So when somebody says to me, "You're 32 weeks pregnant with twins. You can't DO anything. Just rest. And wait.", I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves.

My whole life - my existence, my purpose - is oriented to being productive. That's what I do. I achieve things. I set goals and I meet them, sometimes to my standards and sometimes not. But I meet them.

This is not a new story for me. When I finished up work with my first (single) child, I suffered an emotional crisis of monumental proportions. If I wasn't working, if I didn't receive the kudos my professional role affords, or the salary it rewards, who was I? What separated me from the 'pack'?? What made me special???

My poor husband set about keeping me occupied, scouring the internet for potential contract work which I could do from home, buying me subscriptions to every professional publication he could lay his hands on, just so that I could maintain my sense of self-assurance and self-worth. (Did I mention how much I adore him?) Before too long, my baby arrived: a beautiful little girl who suffered from colic, practically from the moment she first took breath.

So you know what? I became a mother. And, for the short term at least, a mother and nothing else. I did the best I could with the resources I had available to me; I investigated the causes of colic; I experimented with my own diet; I researched alternative solutions... all to no avail. In the end - as I'm sure many of you have also experienced - she grew out of it. But we (my husband, my daughter and I) survived.

What did I learn? This time in our lives is not about goal setting. It's not about identifying base and stretch targets. It's not even about self-gratification. It's about survival.

I wish someone had explained this to me in the beginning. Becoming a mother for the first time (and, indeed, reliving the experience for a second and third time!) is a completely disorienting experience. We set such high expectations for ourselves ("I'll rely on instinct"; "Of course I can do it - I'm the mother"; "I'll just know... because I'm the mother") but in the end, none of us can really be prepared. And the more we know this, the better equipped we are to deal with it.

You know what I've learnt? I can't always measure my self-worth by my achievements. Even as a parent, my child is sometimes poorly behaved or disgracefully mannered, despite my best efforts. This is not a reflection on me. As a new parent, sometimes, my house defies all hygienic standards. Occasionally, I don't get to have a shower until early afternoon. On more than one occasion, my husband has to come home from a 'long' day's work and cook his own dinner. (Contrary to my belief, this won't kill him.) Sometimes, nobody's clothes get washed.

I need to love myself for who and what I am, not other people's perceptions of me. I am smart. I am kind. I am strong. I am loving. It is these qualities which define me, not the tasks I achieve on any given day.

If I must sit and do nothing for the next six weeks until these babies arrive... and then the next twelve before I can even raise my head from the 'parenting new babies experience', then so be it. I am still smart, kind, strong and loving and THAT is what defines me.

Can someone please remind me of that tomorrow? And next week? And next month??

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3 Comments on Aim to achieve... absolutely nothing.


carrizalezm - Saturday, 2 May
You really are special!!!

tookatie29 - Friday, 17 Apr
Well said. I've been bored stiff the last 5 weeks and feeling helpless as my husband is overwhelmed with having to take over all the housework, grocery shopping, and still do the yard work and work full time and do the rest of the preparations for the babies. I feel so bad that I can't be on my feet long enough to help him or walk without pain to do the shopping. The other day I gave into temptation and logged into my work email from home and was dismayed to find 120 unread emails and come to the undeniable conclusion that clearly no one is doing my work while I am gone.....

But I keep telling myself the same thing, in the end it'll all be worth it and it'll all work out...and all of us will be stronger for it.

jilaena - Friday, 17 Apr
Bravo!!!! and Here Here! Well written and so true!