12-2-2010 - 4 months + my rambling + 1 really long update

My mood while writing this blog: It\'s Friday...

It's hard to believe that lmost 4 months have passed… already…

I cannot believe that my little man is almost 4 months old! Logan Nash has been such a pleasure to have that I can’t even believe there was a time he didn’t exist. He makes my day every day with just a simple glance into that co-sleeper. Let alone when he opens those eyes and smiles when he sees me.

Month 1 was not nearly as hectic as I expected it to be. Logan was 6 lbs 8 oz when he was born and 19 inches long. He was 6 lbs even when we left the hospital and when we went to the doctor 2 days later he was back up to 6 lbs 4 oz which apparently was very good for a breastfed baby. I kept waiting for that frantic moment where I felt like I didn’t know what to do and that never happened. I kept waiting to be so tired that I didn’t even feel like I had the energy to hold him and that never happened. I kept waiting for him to become a fussy baby that I needed a break from and that never happened. From day 1 he has been a very content and happy baby. The first few weeks I found myself wondering if he actually could let out a real cry because we never heard it. When he was hungry he would lay there rooting and have a slight whimper. When his diaper was dirty he could have cared less! He was not so easy to burp so that was the longest part of our feeding process. When he was born he was so alert! He spent the first hour of his life with his eyes wide open just staring around taking it all in. And when he heard his Dad’s voice just minutes after entering this world his entire body arched up and his head and neck went back searching for a face to put to that voice. He looked up at his Dad with his new eyes and had the most content look on his face. It was an almost unreal moment that I will never forget. I don’t even remember him crying… he was just content looking around and trying to get used to all those lights I think. He latched right away and has not had any problems nursing. When we got home it just seemed easier to me. I enjoyed being in our home with him and adjusting to our new life. Tyrus actually wasn’t home very much that first month. We were lucky to see him 5 hours a day and he usually slept for most of that. He was trying to do more work on his place, some tree work and the paper route. So I was feeling like a single parent and that was probably the hardest thing to adjust to. Ty actually suggested that I just move to my mom’s house at that time but I said no. I told him we didn’t see him as it was and that would only get worse if I moved to my Mom’s. And I was not going to move to my Mom’s and be a single parent until he finished up and decided he was ready to be a family when he had the last 9 months to do that. By the time we went for Logan’s 1 month check-up he was 9 lbs and12.5 oz and 21 ¾ inches long and he got 1 shot which went well! Our little dog Savannah was already very protective of him.

Month 2 went very much like the first one. I loved being home with him but the thought of returning to work slowly started creeping back into my head. I could not even imagine leaving him! His first Thanksgiving was uneventful really. We went to my Mom’s house as usual and he wore his first holiday outfit!! It was a nice holiday and we were all very happy to have him there this year! His Dad was home a little bit more these days which was nice. At about 4 weeks old we tried introducing a bottle for the first time. He didn’t want anything to do with it! So I went out and bought a few other kinds. He took to the Nuk bottle much better than any others but was still mainly nursing which I prefer over pumping any day! He still couldn’t care less whether his diaper was dirty or not but we finally heard a real cry from him! It was reassuring to know there was a voice in there somewhere! He was still a very happy and content little man though! Although not nearly as little anymore! His pencil thin thighs had started becoming his now huge thunder thighs (he gets it from his Momma) and he was getting chunkier by the day! Also starting to open his eyes more frequently and adjusting to lighted rooms. He was sleeping in his co-sleeper really well though! By his month 2 check-up he was 12 lbs .5 oz and 23 ¼ inches long! He also had 4 shots at that check-up which I thought he took really well, better than me anyway! They had a nurse on each side of him and 1-2-3 jab, and repeat once more. I cried for him but they let me pick him up and nurse him right away so he forgot about the pain pretty quickly. He also didn’t have any reactions or even a slight fever! Hooray!! He had been trying to hold that head up from day 1 but was getting better every day! He tried and tried and loved tummy time! He always seemed to prefer being on his belly actually! Christmas was great! We didn’t get a lot of unnecessary junk and everyone on Ty’s side gave Logan money. So we have a nice start on a college fund for him! LOL! Savannah loves the little guy! She must check on him as soon as she returns from her walks or we return from somewhere!

Month 3 started with us moving into Tyrus’s place on New Year’s Eve. It was still not exactly ready for us and I was going back to work in 25 days. The only complete room was the master bedroom so we would all be sharing a room and the 1 closet we have. The night we moved in friends were there hooking up the toilet, the bathroom sink and turning the water on. The second day we were there the pipes froze. It took 2 days for them to thaw out and then the guys decided to insulate them. Logan doesn’t know the difference obviously aside from getting to sleep with us in bed but I do and it’s not good as far as I’m concerned. I was sad, angry and more. I considered moving to my Mom’s then but again decided that I want to be with Ty and I want our family together, even if we had nothing more than a shower and our bedroom. I was not going to spend my last 3 weeks home living with my Mom and her husband. AND I was currently trying to convince Ty to let me quit working full time and find part time work for the next 2 years. At first he said that since we could afford it he wouldn’t say no, but he didn’t think it was a great idea. I thought it would be beneficial to us all because then Ty could continue working on his place, and I would get to be there to enjoy our son and could set up work around his schedule. I had also just received my yearly bonus from work and with the amount of that I was figuring we would be fine for at least 6 months. He and I talked some more and he said if I could work until Spring when tree work picked up then we could work on me going part time. I was happy with that and looking forward to getting my 2 months of work over and done with. It didn’t take long, 3 weeks later that 10K bonus was gone, we were broke, not much closer to having a finished home and I was heading back to my full time job. It made for some very angry discussions between Ty and me and still does actually. That money would have been more than enough to keep us afloat for probably the first year combined with both of us working part time and it was gone and we still had nothing more than a bedroom. I went against my better judgment and we bought a washer, dryer, bathroom sink, and toilet, kitchen sink, paid off any of OUR outstanding debts I knew of and gave him my card for any Home Depot run he had to make. It was when he asked me to pay the gas bill after I had just paid a gas bill the week before I started to check things out more in depth. It turned out he had paid 2 months of back rent, that gas bill was for 2 months owed and I got more angry by the day and honestly had no idea how much he was really spending up until that point… My fault for being stupid I guess and thinking my boyfriend would be smart about spending so I could start working part time. He then let me know that they had cancelled his paper route and February 1^st he was done. There goes $1000 a month coming in and any chance I ever had of going part time.

Fast forward a bit to the present…

This is my 3^rd week back to work. I still hate it. I still cry every morning and the whole ride in. I still want to throw things at Ty every morning as I get try to ready in our half assed home and he sleeps away. I want to punch him in the face when he has the nerve to complain to me that he is tired because Logan stays up all day with him. He isn’t sleeping through the nights so much anymore either. Logan no longer has any type of schedule going at all. When I was home he would wake up around 5:30 am to eat and would then go right back to sleep until about 9:30 or 10:00 am. We would play for a bit, read and eat some more and then around 12 or 1:00 he would take about a 2 hour nap or so, that cycle would pretty much continue through the day until about 9:30 pm when Logan would usually be out for the night. Now he apparently won’t sleep for Ty all day and the only thing Ty can do to get him to sleep is to make another bottle. So instead of doing full feedings every 4 hours or so he now snacks throughout the day all day and takes 20 minute cat naps here and there. So when I get home he usually wants to eat but as soon as I latch him on he falls asleep and sleeps for a couple hours. He then wakes up, eats and is back to sleep only to be awake somewhere between 3 and 4 am. And he usually cries a bit when he’s tired and won’t go back to sleep so I get up and get him back to sleep so I can sleep for another hour before getting up for work. I don’t know how to even go about changing this because Ty thinks what he does is fine and there is no other way he could do it anyway. The schedule I had going just won’t work for him, he isn’t sure why but it doesn’t. I think he is too quick to give Little Man another bottle and be done with it. Any suggestions for Dad are appreciated actually! Logan is amazing though! His next check-up is February 24th! He is holding his head up just fine and loving life!! He loves to “talk” to me when I get home from work and has a little bit of a giggle. He seems to love riding on his Dad’s shoulder while watching Jiu Jitsu videos and I think it is so cute. I love my son, I love my little family and I honestly believe things would be GREAT if there weren’t so many other things going on around us concerning our home. So as of this weekend I have decided that Tyrus and I will be having another discussion. Logan will either be entering daycare full time so Tyrus can work a few days a week and spend a couple days a week working on his place or Logan, Savannah and I can move out for a year and he can stay there alone and finish it. Either way he has maybe 3 months until the little guy starts crawling and I will not leave him contained to 1 room to learn to do that.

Tyrus actually chatted with my Mom the other night… He argued his side and my Mom basically asked him how he expects me to work to save for a home, pay all our current bills, pay for all things Logan and fund the rest of his renovation as well. He didn’t know what to say… She asked what he planned to do when Logan started crawling and he said that’s what they make baby gates for… She told him I would never let that happen and he told her that he never asked for any of this! She told him I never did either… He told her that I don’t support him and she told him I wouldn’t be living there like that if I didn’t. He told her I am not happy and she told him that she knows I’m not but that I’ve also never been so patient with a situation and put up with so much crap and stayed while still wanting to make it work.

Ahhhh… life… well I’ve been home due to snow the last 2 days and it was so nice! Logan was laughing at me yesterday and it was the best laugh I’ve ever heard! Today is Friday and it’s back to work… L I hate to leave him.

If you actually got though reading all of this I thank you for listening! My blogs are usually to just get things off of my chest and it feels good to write it all out. But if you take the time to read it I really appreciate any and all opinions, advice, and thoughts…

Have a great weekend everyone!