13-8-2009 - .

My mood while writing this blog: confused...

I don't want to be upset about it because this is OUR child that we made he is our responsibility I'm trying so hard to be positive. I'm trying not to complain about it because I know people TTC for years with no success.

This is how it began..

I started to suspect I was pregnant 2 days before I was due I had this killer headache that wouldn't go away for 2 days. I told hubby and he said it's probably just AF so I put it down to that, also with the headache came a little sickness but nothing major. So no AF on due day I thought well my cycle is probably still messed up this would've been my second AF since I had Rayan. So the next day and still nothing.. I knew deep deep deeeeep down I was pregnant but was in denial. I really wanted to test but didn't know how to tell hubby. So the next day I was constantly going to the toilet to see if AF was here and I said to hubby can you please buy me a test for tomorrow morning I said I don't think I am I just want peace of mind. I didn't want to scare him you see! The next day still no AF and he took forever to get the test I was trying to keep my first morning wee in but I couldn't so I put is in something. He brought the test and I went and took it alone, I stood there watching it as the negative line showed up and no positive line I thought phew! So I washed my hands and picked up the test to go and show hubby I walked out and his friend was there so I put the test in my bag and look at hubby he gave me that well??? face. I whispered into his ear as a joke I'm pregnant congratulations daddy of two. He didn't believe me he shook his head and laughed we couldn't talk about it because his friend was there. So we all went to my mils house for lunch everything was normal we got into the car after and he was like your not really pregnant are you?? I said here look at the test I pulled it out and to my surprise it was positive!!!!! I was thinking in my head OH MY GOD!!! I sat there staring at it in shock thinking maybe it's just the lighting because it's pretty faint just like the one I did with Rayan was. Hubby was like pass it then so I gave it to him and he was silent for a while and said no it's negative. Bless him he just didn't want to believe it I said if there's a line there then it's positive no matter how faint it is. We drove home pretty much in silence. We got in and he said well I can't say I'm happy about it. I don't know what happened to me I just started laughing and he was like are you happy about this? I said no but if I don't laugh I will cry. He hugged me and said well this is what God wanted. He started looking on the bright side pretty quick he was saying well it's better to have 2 at once and if it's a boy he can use all Rayan's clothes as hardly any of them fit Rayan for very long.

So that's it ladies I am going to test again in a few days and then go and see my Dr when I'm 6 weeks.

So here I am back at the beginning of the journey at 4 weeks 3 days that's exactly when I found out I was pregnant with Rayan. Back I go to the week 4 forum omg!! I don't want to go back there!! :( I'm so scared I really hope I can manage, I’m not scared of having two babies I'm more scared about being heavily pregnant and not being able to look after Rayan properly. I will do my best I know God will give me the strength to. Lets just hope this one is not a 10 pounder lol! I was told in hospital if I have a boy next he will be bigger then Rayan and if I have a girl she will be the same size as Rayan. I'm really hoping for a girl this time at least then my parents and in-laws wont be so disappointed in me.

I could really do with some support now I have no one to talk to because I just don't want to tell anyone right now I don't have the patience to hear all their crap. We were so careful there was not much else we could do. This is God's plan for us. I would really like to hear some positive words I'm worried sick! And people that are on facebook please don't mention it on there, thanks :)