05-7-2008 - The Story of little Damien

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

My first clue was on a Friday night. I was hugging some friends good night, and noticed my BBs were a little sore. I had been expecting AF all week and feeling cramps off and on, but I was just off the pill and figured I might be a little irregular, so I wasn't thinking too much of the symptoms. On Sunday, I woke up with a massive headache and was so fatigued and feeling so awful. Even after a nap, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I made it through a family dinner with DH's family, but just barely. Meanwhile my BBs were more and more sore. On Monday, they hurt so bad that a google search had me thinking, "Could I be PG?" Nah. But I got an HPT on the way home anyway. Didn't even wait for DH to get home, figured it would be BFN anyway. Peed on the stick, set it on the counter, and watched as my urine creeped up the stick. Talk about a BFP! As soon as my urine hit that box, I had a brilliiant pink plus sign staring me in the face.

OMG! OMG! OMG! It was an agonzing hour before DH got home and I could tell him. I was terrified and unsure, but DH thought it was great. A million questions and worries went through my head in the next couple weeks. Got the prenatals going, worried a bunch about the beers I'd had before I knew, but doc told me not to be too concerned. DH started calling the baby little Damien, because he was a terror as a child, and he's pretty sure life will pay him back for that with our little one.

By the time I got in to see the doc, I was 6 weeks. They told me to come back in 2 weeks for an U/S. In the meantime, we didn't tell a soul, and used a lame story about stomach problems to explain why I was beer free. I never did get MS, but I was starting to crave sweets and fresh fruit all the time, and I had horrible insomnia, and got frequent headaches despite doing my best to stay hydrated.

I went in for my 8 week U/S. He put the wand in, and all of a sudden I see a picture of my womb and this little white blob. And right in the middle, this shining flickering spot that's blinking very fast. The doc turns up the sound and I get to hear my little one's HB for the first time. It was life changing. The doctor informed me that everything looked great and my chance of miscarriage was now way down. DH and I had a new bond. Our relationship had changed. We were parents. I was going to be a mommy. Wow!

That following Sunday was Mother's Day. I put an U/S picture in the card for my mother. She opened it, dropped it on the table and screamed. DH took her picture just at the moment she reacted. My dad had no clue what she was reacting to, so when he picked up the card, my DH got his picture too at the moment he reacted. We told all of our friends and family over the next week.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend. I wake up on Monday and when I use the bathroom, I wipe and notice some bright pink. My heart flip-flopped. I called the doc and he says as long as I don't see any more blood or have any cramping, just relax and put my feet up for the rest of the day and come see them in the morning.

It was a long day and night waiting. I guess I knew something was wrong, even though the docs didn't seem too worried. I was exactly 11 weeks when I went in to the office Tuesday morning. The doctor first did a physical exam and said everything looked fine. Then he got out the doppler and put it on my stomach. Tried to find the HB, but was getting nothing. I really started to worry then, but he said I was right on the line for where they switch from doing a vaginal ultrasound to abdominal, so we would go do an U/S.

I knew as soon as the doctor put the wand in that my baby was gone. I knew by the look on his face. He broke it to me very gently, explained what he was seeing, and that there was a very well formed baby with everything in place that was 10w3d in size, but no HB. I will never forget the way that U/S looked. It was much bigger, and instead of looking like a blob, it really looked like a baby. But only a dark spot where the heartbeat should have been. The silence was deafening. DH was not with me, because we reallly had not expected anything to be wrong. I called him and told him little Damien had died. He rushed to be by my side.

They said with as big as the baby was, waiting for a natural M/C would probably not be a good idea, would be very painful and alot of blood lost, and could take weeks, so I had a D&C the next day. The D&C went just fine, and then I spent the rest of the week at home crying and coming to terms with my loss. But ultimately, DH and I both knew that some day we would try again.

As bad as this was, everyone was so great, my doctors, my nurses at the hospital for my D&C, my friends and family, and especially DH. I guess that's something.