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10-5-2008 - My old Entries...

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

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December 4, 2007

• I started out at 136 lbs... But I got down to 126 for a while (NO morning sickness, just not hungry...) This week I am up to 131!
  

December 6, 2007

• Last night I SWEAR I felt him kick! (Obviously I don’t know if it’s a boy or girl yet but I feel like it’ll be a boy!)
  
• I'm missing Brandon (workin' full time and living back home.)
• I’m really nervous though for when I deliver. Brandon might be working then—which is 3 hours away—and I am nervous he might not be able to leave and all (since he is the assistant manager and just started working there like a month ago!)
  

December 8, 2007

• I’m getting soooo sick of people lately.
  
• My close friends who have known about me being pregnant for a while, are pressuring me to tell people like now now now! I'll tell the people when I want. When I know more info. After Wednesday, I don't care if the whole world knows! I just wanna be able to tell them details like maybe how far I am! Blah.
  

December 10, 2007

• So lately I have been having horrible back pain... like I've always had bad back pain--because my hips are messed up and now it's gotten worse.

December 12, 2007

• Today was my first appointment! I didn't get an ultrasound, but that's because my CNM doesn't do it... I scheduled one for THIS Friday though!!! (o: It was amazing though, Brandon and I got to hear the heartbeat!!! Yeah, I understand that there is a little person in my tummy... growing... kicking... but to have a heart and be beating and almost like living on its own in there... AMAZING! We both show up with BIG smiles and stared at each other!!
  

December 14, 2007

• Today was my FIRST ULTRASOUND! (o: Brandon couldn't come because he had to work, so my best friend Becky went with me! It was amazing! We got a PERFECT profile picture first, and it was adorable because he hiccuped or something right away!!!! (I started getting tears in my eyes!) Then she went around looking at his heart--which was amazing since you could see the valves and all!!! then the leg and the arm bones (which you could see both the bones in your arm!) Then she moved him around to just see if we could get a peak at boy/girl.... took a while, but YES... I was right!!! I've got a little man inside me! (o: I'm so excited! After the doctor left she told me that from all her work, she didn't see anything wrong with the baby and that he looked healthy and he weighed 6 whatevers which was about right, and his heart beat was at 153 and that I am 17 weeks and 2 days!!! (Which is more like what I thought!).

December 20, 2007

• It's going to be soooo lonesome when he's gone. /o: Not just the giving him away and all, but not having the little guy in my tummy. I hate being alone, but with him, I'm not. I love my little man! (o:

December 26, 2007

• Yesterday Brandon FINALLY really felt the baby kicking!
• Last night I asked Brandon if he liked the name Ryllie. (One of the ladies on this site had a son with that name)... he kept telling me "Why, you don't get to name the baby!" and I explained that I do get to on the first birth certificate... I like Ryllie. It's different.. and the 2 L's remind me of my 2 K's in my name... ((I looove different names or differently spelled names!))
  
• Brandon always mentions how he can't wait until we do this for real--have a baby... "our baby". I mean, Ryllie will always be our child, but he'll be someone else's and it's not the same. He's so supportive though and so excited about the little guy growing that we made!!
  

December 27, 2007

• You know what's really annoying?! Heartburn! Grr... I've had it on and off all day.
• Some questions that keep going through my mind...
  

-I PRAY Brandon will be able to make it! (He just started his job THIS September, he's Assistant Manager, he doesn't have sick days yet, he's works 3 hours from where I go to school, he can't leave in the middle of a shift to get her...)
-Do I hold the baby afterward?
-Will I even be in school when it happens? (All my friends mentioned they wanna drive me or go with me or something... well, I'm technically due the 21st or 22nd--finals are over the 9th! lol)
-Will I get the summer job? (It's at school and the only thing that would allow me to still be in Etown when I give birth, and if I don't get it, then I can't be at MY hospital and all.)
-Do I get the family to be in the room with me?
-Do I get Brandon's parents to be there? (It's technically related to them, so should they be allowed to see him or is it weird?!)
-What if Brandon can't be there?!?! (I don't wanna give the baby up without him being able to meet what WE created.)
-Do I stay in the hospital the same amount of time?
-Does the family take the baby right away or can he be there with me at least one day before we give him up?

• I just wanna be able to see him and allow Brandon to see him/spend at least a little amount of time with him before he leaves us--I mean he is such a big part of us as it is.

December 30, 2007

• Brandon still hasn't told his mother yet....
  

January 1, 2008

• Wow..tomorrow will be 20 weeks... half way there!!! I can't believe it!

P.S. last night was amazing, just Brandon and I celebrating the new year... didn't get dressed up or go out.. we were in PJs and laying in bed the whole time. (I cried when I heard about Dick Clark's accident!) and we took kissy pictures and I drank my Sparkling Cider!!! (And Brandon kept touching my belly saying 'happy new year' to Ryllie!)

January 9, 2008

• At the doctor today I was upset... we didn't get a profile shot. Ryllie was being shy! Before we went in Brandon was like "Do a headstand baby" and he did! His head was at my cervix! LOL!
• He had a heart rate of 165, he weighs 13 oz, and I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 137! lol... They said he grew exactly the amount he should too!! (o: I'm excited now!

January 14, 2008

• Brandon told his mom the other day... she was perfectly calm at first. The next morning she called Brandon's cell phone and left a message about how pissed she was and that it was irresponsible of us and blah blah. Then, the next day she came into the room when Brandon was at work to talk to me. BLAH! It was awkward but it went well. She made me feel like shit in a way but whatever. Also she said, "If it were a girl we would have to rethink all this!" So she hates boys?!
• Now she's changing though... I left yesterday to come back to school and as I got in the car, "I love you sweetie, if you need anything at all you have my cell phone number!!" She's "nice" all of a sudden. Blah!

January 31, 2008

• The other day I was very upset. I was in my managers meeting for work and we were talking about who will be working while the rest of us are at the Jr/Sr Formal (Our college's prom type thing) and my one friend said she wasn't going because her boyfriend wont be back yet from Iraq. I said, "Screw Brandon... you can be my date!" and people across the table--that aren't really friends with me--said, "She's already done that!" and laughed for a while. I was sooo mad and soo upset. If they have had sex even ONCE they could be in my situation so I don't wanna hear it! Anyways, I'm over it now.
• Brandon and I's 2 years is coming up!!
  
• He got transfered to a new store!! He used to work 1.5-2 hours from home (3 hours from here) and now he works about 30 mins from home and it's probably 30 mins from here too! I am not nervous anymore about when I go into labor--he'll be closer!! WOO!

February 4, 2008

• Ouch... Shin splints=OUCH! I woke up this morning and they are PAINFUL!

February 24, 2008

• So all my life I never knew what nationality I was... but I found out today I a quarter native american (my grandfather was full blooded) and also german and irish! WOO.

March 6, 2008

• I met with Brandon and my social worker last Friday... we were looking at a book of families and Brandon and I ended up picking out the same two families! We've talked more about it and love the one!
  
• Birthing classes start this Saturday!
  
• Brandon was transfered again to another store... and he'll be here only a few weeks, then another store--aka 6 stores in 8 months!
  

March 7, 2008

• I have been having horrrrrrrrible chest pains lately. It honestly feels like it is heart troubles, but I know going to a doctor is pointless. I've been to so many doctors in the past about it.. had so many tests... they basically told me they know something is wrong but they didn't know what. My left ventricle doesn't push enough blood through. That's all I've been told.
  
• Also, my pain in the like groin area is hurting again... I tried to roll over in bed and it was BAD.
• In summary, this pregnancy has had NO morning sickness... no swelling so far... LOTS of heartburn... lots of chest pain--but that is normal for me... and lots of groin area pains.
  
• ALSO, I noticed that I have little tiny stretch marks on my boobs, ones on the sides of my lower hip which I always had, and recently a few on my butt. )o': Guess who never wants to wear a swim suit again! lol

March 6, 2008

• I went to the doctor today... it was a new guy for me too but he was so nice! He looked over my chart and we talked about stuff like my major and all too. He even wrote me a note so that I can park closer at school--which the other people wouldn't do!
  
• I lost 2 pounds from my last visit 2 weeks ago. Down to 147lbs.. so back to only gaining 11 lbs.
• I'm measuring perfectly and Ryllie's heart rate seemed fine too!
  
• He told me that the glucose test just needs to be under 140 and mine was 56 so that is great and means as an adult I will never be diabetic!
  
• I took the parking permit thing to my on campus health center (which is where I have to go before security) and they told me they wouldn't write it until MAY! The note from the doctor said "Nikkole's pregnancy is complicated by the threat of pre-term labor. She should park close to her building" and they didn't care! (He said I'm not at risk or anything, but he thought it would help with the pass!) Grrrr! I am so mad! I need the pass for each time i have to go to dr appts! GRR!
• All in all, everything's fine and I meet with my Social Worker on Thursday to go over the families for Ryllie again.(o:

March 12, 2008

• Well, yesterday was 2 months until my birthday! And just over 2 months and a week until Ryllie's birth-day! (o;
• Today I had HORRIBLE chest pain. I really think it is a clogged artery! That's what it feels like and I know I have heart problems and the doctors back in Altoona know it too they just didn't know what it was. (Probably because each time I went to the hospital for it, they made me wait a few hours and the pain went away before they did tests!
• I'm not gonna lie--and I don't want anyone's pity which is why I haven't told anyone other than you guys now cuz I need to vent--but it's to the point that I have wanted to cut. I haven't done that since freshman year before I met Brandon. I didn't want people to find out this time, I ended up cutting my upper thigh. I know it was wrong. Please don't think bad of me... and no worries, I am pissed at myself for doing it too. It just came over me last week while I was fighting with him and blah.
• And my parents keep texting/writing/calling me. O don't wanna deal with them. They are making me crazy. I just want to be alone with Ryllie and Brandon.
• I'm nesting like CRAZY! Everything in my room is organized, hole punched, and in order in binders. HA! even pay stubs from 2 years ago, bills from 2 years ago, and school loan stuff from up to 2 years ago! HA!

March 13, 2008

• I had my meeting today with the social worker... turns out the family we liked was taken already... BOO! BUT we looked over the book again, along with new couples, and picked a few we had interest in and watched the DVDs they made! We really like two couples but it seems we are leaning more towards the one!!!!! (The two DVDs we liked the most were the other two couples we looked at last time! Ironic!)
• This couple was the most relaxed actually... they didn't read off cue-cards (some families actually did!) and they seemed natural about it! The guy actually got a little choked up towards the end too! (I loved that they mentioned they know how hard this will be for us and on us but they wanna be here to help too and to make it the easiest it can be... but they understand it will be hard on everyone.)
• One big thing Brandon liked was that she will become a stay at home mom!!! Our second couple right now is lacking that aspect in his mind... they both work a lot and the grandparents/neighbors/day care would watch him most of the time....
• The biggest thing, with the number one couple, I was able to imagine her holding a little guy... my little guy... and being a great mother. Her personality, everything about her I loved!
• ALSO, they said they were deff okay with us knowing their last name, doing visits, ect... Other couples we liked until we asked more about the open-ness said that they would not want us to know their last names and would only do 1 picture of him EVER! No visits and only one picture!?! Sorry, I want an open adoption because I wanna have communication and all! Anyways, we love the one couple!!

March 17, 2008

• This weekend was amazing other than normal ligament pain... the pain was BADDDD... but the weekend way good.
• Today I tried to drive back to Etown in time for class... well the one road I needed to get on was CLOSED and I got lost and cried for a good 20 mins. And Brandon was at work and couldn't answer the phone so I didn't know what to do. Somehow I found the road to go back home and got on it. By this time I am already late for class, so I decided to stay at home until I needed to go back to Etown for work. I tried to get someone to cover the first hour of my shift so I could stay home until Brandon got off work--I just needed a hug from him to make it all better--but nobody could! DAMNIT. So, I left Pottstown at 4 (which is when he got off work) and didn't get to see him. Well, the road was STILL CLOSED! I backtracked and had to take a business route home! CRIED then too cuz Brandon called to see if I was okay and I was almost lost again! BLAH!
• Work was blah... but then was great until the last hour of my shift. The girl--Brandon's ex--that I don't like and caused all the drama with us, yeah... she worked tonight! SHE QUIT over a YEAR AGO! What the fuck! I wanted to cry the whole time!
• AND my chest pain is back in full action.

March 26, 2008

• I'm so stressed lately with my whole money situation... basically I had about $600 in the bank. I owe $564 for car insurance, $59 for cell phone bill, $33 to my banks credit card, all due this week... next week I need to pay $99 for the hotel room for after my college's Jr/Sr formal.... then in two weeks from now I need $294 to pay the school for books/tickets for our formal and if I don't pay I can't register for classes.. also in 2 weeks I need to pay my other credit card $86. **The reason i have like 4-5 credit cards is because when I moved out, I didn't have my parents to pay for anything and I needed school books... I needed school supplies... and then I lost my PA state grant and owed the school $2000 by last semester in order to keep going here (and they didn't tell me until 2 days before it was due so I didn't have time to get another loan.)
• Brandon kept saying he was quitting his job... FINALLY I talking him into staying a little longer. The district manager is sending him back to the store he loved... he had gooooood hours there (only works to 5pm at the latest and noooo weekends!) AND he finally understood CVS is paying him amazing money and he doesn't have another job lined up yet! Anyways... I am glad he is staying!
• Dr. Appt tomorrow at 10am with my original midwife!! Brandon can't make it but I'll survive..
  
• Social Work... I have a mandatory banquet tomorrow night... and I am getting excited to be back with the social work department next semester!! I had my meeting today with one of the professors about field placement! she said they have many Foster Care/Adoption agencies for me to choose from--which is what I wanna go into with my degree!!! AND the other day I met with my advisor and he told me about this elective class that is in the SW department that I'm excited for too!! WOO!

March 27, 2008

• Today's doctor appointment I found out I gained 1 pound back.. so 148 now. 32 weeks along and 12 lbs total gained! Ryllie's heart rate was 140. I'm measuring great too. Also my boobs went from pre-pregnancy being a 34B to now being a 34 (maybe 36) D! I've boughten myself so many bras lately... mainly Cs but I bought my first D for my jr/sr formal next weekend. It'll be here tomorrow in the mail!
  

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