03-6-2008 - *Not a bad day!* (June 2, 2008)

My mood while writing this blog: ...not bad.

Well, the phone call I wasn’t looking forward too, well it wasn’t bad! Last night I prepared myself for it… I typed up some things I wanted to remember to say and tried to think of every little thing she would say so I could have a come-back. It went well, and I don’t go back to work until the week of the 16^th! THEN, when I go back they are going to give me like two weeks of light work too! Woo!

Anyways, all day I sat around wishing I had photo albums to put my pictures in, also I need to print out pictures, but I have soooo many to choose from! Well, I decided to type up a rough draft to send Chris and Christine as a response. I need to by stationary and then I will write it all out—more personal than typing up something.

So Brandon took me to Walmart—thinking they woud have a good selection of stationary AND photo albums… well, their stationary is HORRIBLE… like 3 things to choose from and they were all girly. I couldn’t pick a photo album either so I ended up buying 2 of them! Haha… oops! AND….. we went past the children’s clothes… we all like baseball and Chris likes the Phillies, so we picked out a set of two Phillies outfits for Ryllie!! I saw a few Pooh outfits too so I looked through them. Tigger is my all time favorite, so when I saw a cute “Gone Fishing” Tigger outfit I HAD to buy it. It even has a cute bottom thing to fit over the diaper with Tigger’s face on the butt!

I hope they don’t mind us sending them. I know they have everything they need for him and all, but I feel like I just need to provide for him too. Motherly thing I guess? It probably falls in along with the whole thing where I really just needed to see where he slept at night… I don’t know.

I have another friend—whom I met on this site—that gave birth the day after me and was also doing an open adoption… We were talking about how we feel now and I said that the past week was almost as if Ryllie disappeared off the Earth and that my few days in the hospital with him were more like my imagination or something. /o: He was just… gone. Not here anymore. Yeah, I miss him.

I also told her that I don’t feel like this is my body. MY body was with Ryllie and my baby bump. They are both gone now. )o: In the car last night I just kept thinking how I don’t feel right in my body… I don’t remember what it is like to be skinny. When I was pregnant I would tell my friends how we took for granted how good our bodies looked… Now, I don’t miss my tiny body, I miss my baby bump! I kept having flashbacks to when I had the baby bump and pictures of me with it standing sideways in my blue long sleeve top… THAT was my body. I want that back. I want Ryllie to kick my belly again. I wanna hold him in my arms again too. /o: