03-6-2008 - *Another blog hits home* (June 3, 2008)

My mood while writing this blog: ...just wow.

First of all, I have been reading so many other blogs by people in or around adoption. Today I was reading past ones and one hit home and made me tear up… It was about a song which had another meaning but honestly hits home with adoption too. Here is the link…. http://open.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/starts-with-goodbye

I was working last night on the computer and didn’t feel like listening to the Television so I let the computer randomly play songs from our music library. Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood came on. I’m sure I have probably heard this song before as I’ve listened to the CD multiple times, but it never struck me the way it did until today.

The song is actually about moving on and getting over an ex-boyfriend or husband, but as I listened to the lyrics, especially the chorus, I couldn’t help but think of myself and other birthmothers.
The end of the first stanza reads:

So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

That reminds me of how I felt while pregnant. It was hard to picture myself with out my son, but it was the choice I made. I knew it had to be done and that it was the best thing for him at the time.

The chorus reads:

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

That is the part that got me the most, the part that fits me as a birthmother. I knew relinquishing Charlie would hurt. I knew I was letting go of him. I knew I’d shed many tears because of this decision. I knew my life would change and I’d never be the same person. But I also knew that it was what I had to do for him.

The phrase “starts with goodbye” reminds me of how a friend describes pregnancy for an expectant mother who is making an adoption plan. Towards the end of your pregnancy, you are so ready for it to be over. You are tired of being pregnant. But you also know that the end of your pregnancy will mean that it is time to say goodbye to your baby. The moments of awe and joy through your pregnancy and while spending time with your newborn baby are tainted with sadness as you know there is an impending goodbye to be said. --Coley S.