05-6-2008 - *Not sure why, just sad* (June 4, 2008)

My mood while writing this blog: bah hum bug

Early this morning I couldn’t get to sleep… I sat up crying. I don’t remember exactly why, but I just kept the tears coming. It wasn’t like bawling or anything, just tears. Pictures of Ryllie just kept flashing before my eyes. /o: I miss my little man.

Brandon and I went out with my best friend from school—she lives about 30 mins away from us so it is cool! We went for dinner and drinks. Each time I have a sip or something, I toast one “To Ryllie.” Hmm, I love him.

Then later, when I was trying to go to bed at night I couldn’t help but tear up a lot more—for a few hours. The picture on the background of my phone is the one I have up under Ryllie’s page—where he is pulling on his hospital hat and has the cute facial expression with his mouth open. I kept staring at it… my little man already has a personality. Ha, while pulling the hat his mouth flew open like “Woahhhh, look what I did!”

Looking at all the pictures we have of him… His first day in the hospital look so different than the pictures from his second day. His pictures from home—in his update they sent me—look so different than the pictures I have of him. He grows so fast. I’m his mother… I had him in my tummy for 9 months, I gave birth to him held him first, fed him first, everything. Yet, I wont be able to see him grow. I mean, I’ll see him but not the same way. I wont be seeing him grow as in day by day changes. I’ll be like an extended family member, only seeing him every so often and having to piece the times in between together for myself. /o:

I just miss him. When I close my eyes all I see is him. Pictures of him. The way I remember him—in the hospital. I just want to feel him in my arms… but I can’t. (Here I go again, crying as I am writing.) Blah. I wanna hold him, kiss his little cheek, feed him his bottle, and then hold him close to my chest/shoulder while I burp him—that’s my favorite way to hold him too. He just cuddles into you that way. I miss his head shaking back and forth when he wants his bottle. Christine wrote about that in his update—telling us how cute it was. I already knew that. Brandon and I loved feeding him since we would be able to see him do that—so cute. We imitate that too when we miss him… it’s weird, if you aren’t one of us and you look over, you see us open our mouths, close our eyes and shake our heads back and forth—like searching for the bottle. Ha, but it helps us.

I also cried because I go back to work soon, which means I wont be able to see Brandon much. We both have jobs that the schedules are weird… like we wont have off weekends. I’ll have a random Tuesday off and he might not be off until a random Thursday. AND we will only randomly have off two days in a row. I don’t know, I just wont be able to see him like I can now… I miss it. I miss laying beside him at night, waking up to him, everything. BLAH! (They didn’t take Ryllie from me… we gave him to them, but it feels like they are taking Brandon away from me… both my boys, gone now.) Blah.