19-8-2008 - *I just don\'t know* (August 19, 2008)

My mood while writing this blog: disconnected

I wrote this to a friend in an email... but then I realized it is basically a blog and I might as well save it for later in my healing:


For some reason, lately it feels like the pregnancy and everything was just a dream. Like it didn't really happen. I don't know, I feel like he was just a baby doll I held in the hospital or I was babysitting. I don't get to see him everyday--other than pictures. I don't get to raise him or anything other than our one visit so far... not in his daily life... I feel like he's just a dream and all.

I mean when I see his updates I see he is growing but it is almost like pictures of a precious stranger. I can't really explain what I mean, but this is a weird feeling. I guess when I first see the updates--just opening them--I am all happy because I love him and all, but deep down right now I feel like he isn't. Like I don't know him. It's upsetting to.... I DON'T know him. They try to tell me everything, every little qwerk, but I don't know everything. Not the exact sound of a specific cry, not a laugh... not how he responds to Gus--their dog. Blah.

I feel like all of a sudden I am disconnected from him. From him as MY baby and that he's a stranger now.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with how open they wanna be and all--Chris and Christine are AMAZING with that---but it's just not how I was feeling before, like when I was upset about not having MY baby beside me... I miss him, yes, but he is theirs. Not mine at all now, and that's how I feel.

I don't know, I'm in a weird mood--not 'depressed' but not thrilled with anything. I feel like I am just existing. I'm just here. I can't get motivated to actually do the things I need/want to get done. I guess disconnected sounds good.



Brandon's been feeling the same way lately. I don't wanna say it's because or not because of Ryllie, but I don't know. Tomorrow he will be 3 months! I guess all of this is settling now and not a new idea of our life. This or other things too, just taking a tool on me. /o:


<3I love you handsome man... 3 months tomorrow. Tomorrow at 11:19am. I'll always remember it... like it was yesterday.