14-5-2011 - the birth of my baby, and the death of my mother all the same day

My mood while writing this blog: Sad

On the night before Easter 4-23-11 at 1030 pm i went into preterm labor with my 3rd baby. I was only 34 weeks pregnant. My water had broke and the nearest hospital is 30 miles away. I called my friend to come get me, called the baby sitter for my older two girls, and got ahold of my husbands squad leader (my husband was deployed in afganistan at the time). I thought about calling my mom but decided to get my hospital bag ready quickly instead. It was about 45 minutes until i got to the hospital. The nurses checked me, i was dialated to a 3 upon arival. My husband finally called and i talked to him for a while in between contractions. Around 100am i asked the nurse to check me and she said no because she didnt want to cause any infections. I told my friend to call my mom and get her down to the hospital because i knew i was going to have the baby soon. Her phone was off... so i called my ex's mom to got to my moms house and wake her up. 141 am i had my baby girl, my mom missed the birth. My baby was born easter morning 141 am weight was 5 lb 14 oz 19 in long but her lungs werent developed enough. I had talked to my mom while i was getting stitched up and she said, " you wouldnt of had this baby so early if you would of just accepted my help." I hung up on here :*( ....the nurses and dr. worked on my baby and had to put her on a full resperator. I didnt get to hold her, feed her or anything, they had her on a support machine. I sat in or near the nursery all day worried about my baby. Around 2pm my friend got back to the hospital with some stuff of mine and said that my oldest little girl had called my mom this morning to talk to her. my mom told my little girl that she was going to kill herself and that she loved my older little girl more than anything. My friend and i had the police go to my moms house to do a well check on her. the police said that she was heavily medicated but she is alive. The day goes on and no improvement with my baby. Around 9pm i took a shower, was in my hospital room getting ready to back to the nursery to be close to my baby and a friend of my moms nockes on the door. she comes in and tells me that my mom took a bunch of pills and then shot herself around 730pm. :****(. I called my sister, my husbands contact, my uncle, my aunt to tell them what happend.

Things have been more then hard :*( I thought by writing a few things down i would some how feel a bit better, but honestly I dont think anything can make this better. Im so full of guilt, anger, fustration, and sadness over this hole thing that i dont where to begin to cope. Its been almost 3 weeks since this happend and ive been trying to look at the possitives. My baby got to come home after almost 2 weeks in the hospital. My husband got to come home from afganistan because of all the things that happened. My work gave me an extension to my leave, so i can focus on getting myself and my kids better.

Even with the good things that have happend the thought of what my mother did and how she did it and when she did it still sits heavily on my mind. :*( I cry all the time. Ive been having moments where i forget this happend and for a brief second i get excited about something like summer on its way or how great my kids are or the cute face my baby made; then i feel a bit guilty for having those moments and i remember that my mom isnt here to share those experiences with me. :*( I havent treated my mom very good the last few months of my pregnancy. People say not to blame myself but how could i NOT. She told my ex's mom that its all my fault she missed the birth and the way i had been treating her made her feel so alone. That she didnt have anything to live for anymore. Im the only family she had that still talked to her; and honestly she is the only family i had that was near where i live. I miss her soo much, even though we didnt always get along or see eye to eye.

How do i move on? How can i stop crying? I lost my dad 4-26-95 and now my mom the same month 4-24-11. Others have moved on and even act as if well its been more then a week so i should be over it by now. My sister gives me the boohoo party and my aunt gives me the well i knew her longer then you speech. Both of them havent even spoke with my mom in almost a year, i talked with her daily and saw her weekly.

I feel the bigest loss for my kids. My oldest was soooo close with my mom. the girls would stay at my moms house one weekend a month just because they loved her and wanted to be near her. Just two days after my moms death and after some of the family arived from out of state, everyone wanted to go to my moms house and start empting it out ect. It got so bad i almost got into a fight with my aunt in the hopital room. after about 3 days after the death and birth my husband got home "thank god" and he went to my moms house and started to deal with some of her stuff. A week ago i went up there and had a total break down, so ive been avoiding her house. Its going to be forclosed on in the next few months so i need to get up there and start going through her things :*(. How can i do this? Just the thought of her makes me break down, let a lone going to the house she killed herself in.

I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM :*(

I wish you could of met the baby mom:*(

The girls miss you so much mom :*(

Your dog misses you so much MOM:*(

Come back.... I promise to treat you better :*(

Im sorry for rambling on, thanks for reading.