05-7-2008 - The long rough journey so far.

My mood while writing this blog: so so

Ok so as i said in my previous blog things are pretty hard here at the moment. Eleanor has been a very sicky baby from day 1. Billy went away to work on the 24th June for 12 days and since then i have not had any good days. It has been so hard without him here. Its not so much his input its his support that i miss and need so badly.

It has been non stop washing and cleaning and caring at my house for the past 3weeks and 6days lol. Since day 1 we had troubles with Eleanors milk and only now at the end of her third week in the world are we getting somewhere. (SLOWLY) My health visitor is keeping a very close eye on Ellie at the moment. In week 2 she only gained 2oz because of her constant sickness and everyone was worried. I took Eleanor to see a speacialist at our hospital with the hope of getting an answer and proper help but once again NOTHING was done and no new advice was given, it sucked big time. I was told to feed her slowly, taking the feed away every so often and to wind her after every oune, which i did and....nothing changed she still threw it ALL up..GRRR. By this point i was at the end of my rope, feeling very frustrated and upset that i couldnt do anything for her. All she did was cry and want feeding and it was so draining and uppsetting for me.

Now we are in week three and we went to the health visitor again so Ellie could be weighed and to my suprise she had gained 7oz, atill not good but good enough for me, at least something was staying down and giving her what she needed. BUT still the sickness was still going on and i was still sitting up everynight crying my eyes out alongside Eleanor, wanting everything to stop and disappear. Finally my health visitotr recommended a formula called Nutramagen, its for babies with cows milk and soya allergies, also colic and other various allergies.So i went to the Dr and demanded that he give me this formula, and to my suprise he gave me it without question! YAY! We started her on it yesterday after noon and she was only sick once. OMG! so far so good, she is managing to drink 4oz so far (slowly) and i am managing to get more done around the house.

Still i am feeling a little sad and frustrated at times. I have made an appointment to see my Dr on tuesday because i dont think i can pull myself up alone. I dont feel the strong bond that i should, because i had a rough pregnancy and a long hard labour i think i am holding myself back from Ellie and not bonding like i should. Dont get me wrong i love her with all my heart there's just soomething missing, theres something wrong with me at the moment and i really want to get passed it and enjoy being a mum. Eleanor is already a month old and i fell like its been a year becasue of all the problems we have had with her. Its total misery for me at the mo and theres nothing that i can do that is right. I feel like i am not cut out to ve a mummy and that truly hurts.