11-6-2009 - My Little Angel - April 2009

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

When I went for my ultrasound on Friday, I received very bad news. My ultrasound showed a beautiful and perfect 13 week old baby, but without a heart beat. My doctor believes the little heart stopped beating less than 24 hours prior to the ultrasound. At that moment, my perfect little world stopped turning and crashed down to my feet. It felt like I had bit hit by a bus. It was like I was in a dream - I couldn't understand what was happening - I couldn't believe it...this could not be happening...Here I was going to see if they could tell me what I was having ...never expecting to hear that my baby had died....
So, here I am at home - with a body who still thinks is carrying a healthy little baby - I still have nausea, still have my beautiful belly, still feel so pregnant...and now I must deliver this baby...another very difficult thing...
Even though I know it is over...I still can't seem to believe it. I am still in shock. I can't believe I will not have my baby belly this summer, that I won't get to hold my beautiful baby this fall...Its very hard for me to think that my baby was fighting this virus - fighting for his life...and I didn't even know...and now my baby is dead...and I can't even hold him in my arms...
Right now, it feels as though I am in a very dark hole where I can't see the way out...and for right now, I am not ready to start looking for that light, the way out...
I want to thank everyone for all their support - it means a lot to know I have so many people around me.
And for my little angel who was taken away from me much too early...I love you.