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04-10-2009 - Thank-you to my angel mommy's

My mood while writing this blog: Thankful I have you girls

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I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank all the great girls on ttc after loss. You truely are an amazing bunch of girls. This month is very hard on me. With my sister delivering her baby girl a few weeks ago, DS having his surgery, my due date approaching Ocotber 22nd, the monthly disapointments with BFN's and this feeling of emptiness.

I have been having a hard time the past few weeks, starting to feel as though I never will have another baby, that we will have to let go of that dream of having another little miracle, that I will have to move on...I have tried to turn to my family for support. Thank goodness for DH , who is so supportive of me. I was once so close to my sister and my mom,but since the m/c, have grown so far apart. When my sister delivered, I held that baby and cried...but never was a comment made, never a hand on my shoulder, never a hug, never a sorry...nothing...like nothing had ever happend...it really hurt me. DH was there to wipe the tears and hold me...but my family - nothing. I wrote to my sister today, to talk to her about how I was feeling - here is what I wrote -

"I wish I could just forget everything and get away...I am so discouraged - I don't know what to think anymore. Its going to be 6 months next week - I am tired of being disaponted every month, I am tired of hurting, I can't believe my due date is coming in 2 weeks...and I am still not pregnant...our deadline is coming up - after Christmas we move on...but I don't see how I will be able to move on. I have 3 great kids - but I was supposed to have another one - and even though I am thankful for what I do have, I miss what I don't, I still have that emptiness. It is an emotional roller-coaster - a ride no one should have to take...I just thought maybe this time I could pregnant fast - its heartbreaking when you know you did everything right - and still nothing. I am sorry for being the downer - its just that no one ever talks about it. When I try to bring it up with mom - she either completly ignores me - as if I haven't even said anything - or just tells me to look what I already have...I know what I already have, but it doesn't make the pain any less...sorry again - I just had to get it out - had to talk to someone..."

This is the response I received....................nothing. It hurts.....

Funny, how I receive so much more support and encouragment from a bunch of girls scattered all around the world, whom I have never met in person, and probably never will....Funny how I can turn to you girls anytime of the day, funny how you girls never judge, always listen, always encourage, and yet my own family simply ignore what happend...funny how you girls wipe away my tears, make me laugh, send a hug...when my own family don't even take the time, don't even try....

So I just wanted to tell you girls how much I appreciate you all. I truely don't know what I would do without you. I was devastated after my m/c, I felt as though I was in a dark hole and I couldn't find the light, I didn't even want to find the way out...but you girls pulled me out of the dark and have carried me ever since.

Thank you - you are my angel mommy's - love you girls

~Hugs~

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9 Comments on Thank-you to my angel mommy's


redheadmama - Tuesday, 6 Oct
Bonnie-butter, dearest darling; we love you and will carry you as long as you need it. Truth be told, we carry each other. I don't know what I would do without you and our other girlies either. I'm so sorry that your family has ignored and intensified your pain. Let us be honorary sisters for you, okay? ((((hugs))))

heids - Monday, 5 Oct
Will always be there hon. Families can be nightmare at times, your loss makes them uncomfortable & ignoring the issue can seem easier sometimes. I've even had people I know cross the street to avoid me since my loss. ((((((huge hugs)))))) & lots of ripe eggs 4 us all Hx

girlinterrupted - Monday, 5 Oct
I'm sorry hun, I had similar problems with my family after my 1st m/c and it really does hurt. You will always have us but I know it isn't the same as having the support you need from your family.Lots of love xxx

readyfor3 - Sunday, 4 Oct
I am sorry your family isn't being understanding, my heart breaks for you. It makes me sad that you sister did not reply to your beautiful letter. You are trying so hard to "reach out" and she doesn't offer her hand to hold. You are such a sweetheart. My sister is due this week with her baby girl too and my due date was Oct 26. I know it will be hard. I understand what you are feeling hun. If you ever need to talk, I am here, especially Oct 22. I am carrying my baby for all of us on ttc-after-loss and I want to name it after all of our lost babies. x

fruitful - Sunday, 4 Oct
I am so happy that you have DH and your three precious boys to support you, but I am also happy that we could help you when you needed it most. :-)♥

mrsw - Sunday, 4 Oct
Oh hun....so sad :o(I don't even know what to say because it's just so sad and everything you say opens up the wounds again and I feel your pain...just like mine...once again...as always...all the time. I'm so sorry. My due date is coming up in November and I'm already crying. Take care of yourself.

Blessedbeyondbelief - Sunday, 4 Oct
Butter I am so sorry your family isn't more appreciate of you and your part in your family. My heart goes out to you and what you have been through. I feel your pain and we are all in some ways more sisters than your blood sister will ever be (not bashing your sis, but just that she doesn't understand). You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are truly a kind person and I hope that someday your family will see what you need. Love to you! Holly

amandunn - Sunday, 4 Oct
Butter, I'm so sorry you didn't get a response! That has to just add to all of the pain you are feeling. Ugh, people can be so cruel! I'm so glad for the TTC after loss forum as well. You all (and my hubby) are the ONLY ones who understand every sadness and pain I go through. I'm so thankful for you and all of the other girls in the forum. You're all amazing and all deserve everything.

aussiegirl80 - Sunday, 4 Oct
I am so sorry that your sister didn't respond, it is very hard to pour your heart out like that - I really hope that she realises that you need to be able to talk to family about how you are feeling. I am so glad that DH is there for you (((hugs)))