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08-5-2008 - Doctors!!!

My mood while writing this blog: Feeling Blue

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Hi everyone,

I had a ante-natal appointment on Tuesday at the hospital and was looking forward to hearing little ones heartbeat etc. They were running behind so was pleased when we were finally seen as it was so stuffy in there. The doctor was lovely, I was in incredible back pain and he was really gentle, he felt one of my contractions and instead of prodding and poking more he left it to ease off. He was concerned that my waters may be leaking so he sent me upstairs for a CTG and a speculum.

I don't mind having to have speculums etc but I find myself with a hang up when it has to be a male doctor that does it due to the fact I was sexually abused for 3 years. The hospital know about it and they have written it in my notes just in case there are any throw backs during labour or whatever. As my Midwife keeps telling me the birth should be a happy time as we get to meet our little one...not a time when memories of times past should be brought back.

I was told that it would be a male doctor doing my speculum and I accepted that, my partner was with me so I knew I had support. The doctor came in and had a chat and he put me at ease just explaining what was going to happen and why (I have had 3 speculums so knew what to expect), it was still nice for him to come and talk and put my mind at rest. That was until the speculum happened...he was so rough it was unbelieveable and after it was like he could not wait to get out of the bay. He made me feel dirty. I have something called an ectropion on my cervix which can supposedly cause more discharge (sorry if this is too much info) but I do wash (alot) but I can't help whats sitting up there and I don't know if thats what caused his reaction. I just feel so dirty again, like I want to sit in the bath all the time....similar feeling to how I felt years ago.

This is something I didn't want to happen during my pregnancy because I so desperately wanted it to be a happy time. Hence to say I feel really down.

It probably sounds really daft but I just don't know what to do with myself now, feel like I have taken 10 steps back.

Good news is that little Owen Lawrence is doing well in there and to be honest it's the thought of having him here in the next couple of weeks which is keeping me going. I just can't wait to hold him and see his Daddy holding him too, can't wait to be a family.

I hope you are all doing ok, thinking of you MummyJewels. xxx

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