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29-7-2009 - Pregnant Women

My mood while writing this blog: amused

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**I did not write this, I just thought it was funny**

Here's a little perspective. First we're throwing up every five minutes. This is great, especially because we have to give up smoking and drinking. Then we have a period of about a month when everything is cool (except for the raging heartburn), and then suddenly our favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit us anymore. On top of it all, we have to pee every hour, on the hour, and our organs are slowly being crushed by this little thing that kicks and punches our insides like Rocky fucking Balboa. And we can take on a pint of ice cream in under seven minutes...while crying because we know we're adding another two pounds to the six we already gained this week. To top it all off, we're gradually coming to the realization that this thing is going to have to come out of us one way or another, and it's not going to be small. And you can't sleep lying down anymore. Shit, you can't sleep period. And anything could go wrong at any minute, and you think about this while panting desperately just walking up a flight of stairs, or while you're trying to massage your swollen ankles, or trying to struggle into a bra that used to fit....


Let me put it this way: If something is about to come out of your mouth, cram it back in there and think about it for a second. If it's something that would offend a 'normal' woman, or it's something that you've said to me every damn time you've seen me, just don't say it. Because I guarantee you that not only have I already heard it 32 times today, one of these days I'm gonna get really fed up and snap...and it might be on you.





There people who are exempt from some of these things. You should know who you are. If you aren't sure whether you are or not, then you're probably not.










Maybe it's just me, but I've never walked up to some random woman and started rubbing her belly. I've always found pregnant women to be a bit volatile. And I've never felt that it was okay to comment on a pregnant woman's weight, either. That, to me, would be the same as painting a target on your ass and mooning a bull. It's just inviting disaster. Apparently, people really think these things are okay. I'd like to extend to you a little etiquette...these are some things that are not okay.






1. When a woman tells you she's pregnant, go ahead and assume she's keeping it. Don't say, "Oh. Are you keeping it?" because what we actually want to hear is, "Congratulations." If that's too hard for you, don't say anything at all.





2. When a woman tells you she's pregnant, don't say, "You're pregnant?! *dramatic gasp* But you're not married!" Really? Well shit....
Contrary to popular fucking belief, being married is not a prerequisite for pregnancy. Neither is having a boyfriend. In fact, many women, myself included, are actually better off without the significant other that contributed DNA. We're already having a child. We don't need to take care of another one.





3. If I don't know you, don't come up to me and start touching my belly. How would you feel if I walked up to you and started rubbing your belly? You'd look at me like I was fucking nuts. That's how I feel about you. I don't care if I look cuddly. I'm not. Don't. Touch. Me.





4. If I haven't seen you for a week or two, don't tell me how much bigger I've gotten since the last time you saw me. I realize that I've gained weight. I'm the one that has to roll out of bed every morning....literally. I'm the one that gets out of breath just putting on my socks. I get it.





5. Speaking of the weight-thing: I don't ask you how much weight you've gained in the last six months. What makes you think I want to tell you how much I've gained? It's none of your damn business.





6. There are two different styles of maternity clothes available to us. You can either go with the "I'm still sexy even though I'm pregnant so I'm going to wear clothes that cling to my body because I'm still really self-confident even though I'm FUCKING HUGE cause pregnant bodies are beautiful" look, or you can choose the, "I found these lovely patterned sheets and decided to make them into a shirt and matching pants and then I put seventeen bows on them so that you might not notice the fact that I look like a circus tent" look. Neither look is attractive. I'm not feeling so hot about myself right now. So don't rub it in that it looks like I have a turkey strapped to my abdomen. I get it. Thanks.





7. People seem to forget their manners when it comes to pregnant women. Society has them painted as these psycho, manic-depressive eating machines, but nobody seems to have a problem pointing out all the things that make even normal women self-conscious. I swear to God, by 3:00 every day, at least seven people have commented on my weight (Dang, you're huge!), my hairstyle (didn't feel like doing your hair again today?), my socks (What, you couldn't see the color of your socks today?), and my shoes (Your shoes don't match your outfit, but I guess it's okay cause you probably can't see them anyway). Oh, and I especially love it when, for the umteenth time, someone feels the need to say something about my attitude. "Wow. You must be feeling a little hormonal today, huh?" No, actually, I'm always a bitch. Fuck you very much.





8. This is for the men: do not give me advice about raising my child, especially if you don't have any of your own. Just because your cousin's aunt's step-grandma had a kid once, doesn't mean that you know what you're talking about. And don't argue with me. What in the HELL could you POSSIBLY know about epidurals and whether or not they're okay for me to use when I'm delivering? When's the last time you researched the benefits and drawbacks of breast feeding? Are you a Lamaze coach? Hmmmm?? That's what I thought. Until you grow a uterus, keep the tips to yourself.





9. This is for everyone: did you know that they say "tits" on TV now? Have you ever been out in a restaurant and used a vulgar expletive, only to realize that there's a small child sitting directly behind you? Have you ever seen a magazine rack that contains Maxim, FHM, and any one of the many auto magazines available? You know the kind with the anorexic seventeen-year-old pearched precariously on six-inch stilletos, wearing nothing but a strategically placed ferret and a g-string? You know those? Do you and your friends like to joke about things like "Hot Carls" and "Donkey Punches"....while sitting with your girlfriends?? Hmmmm???? When's the last time you complained about ANY of this stuff? Can't remember? That's because you don't. So tell me why in God's name would you be "offended" by a simple discussion about breastfeeding? Why are you so upset at the thought of me doing it out in public? Maybe it's just not vulgar enough for you. Maybe if I oiled up my leather bodysuit and hooker boots, whipped out my "tits" to some porn music playing in the background, and shook my ass while I breastfed, then you wouldn't be quite so "offended".





10. I'm simply trying to inform the public about certain things that should not be said or done to pregnant women. I have recieved messages saying "It's your fault you're pregnant, so quit bitching." First of all, I realize that I am pregnant because of something that I did. I haven't blamed anybody for that. I'm well-aware of how the human body works, and I don't need an anatomy lesson. Thanks. And I'm not complaining about being pregnant. I'm complaining about the morons that make my pregnancy more difficult. Second of all, fuck you, being pregnant IS hard. But our bodies are rapidly changing, and they're changing forever. That's tough on us. Third, I'm going to say whatever the hell I want. That's why America is such a wonderful place to live. Here, I can complain about stupid people all day, and they can't do anything about it. So...what I'm saying is: if you don't like it, don't read it. Fourth, I'm not looking for sympathy. Do I seem like the kind of person who wants sympathy? No. Actually, I feel sorry for you. Pregnancy is temporary. Stupidity is for life.






Be nice to pregnant women. The end.

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3 Comments on Pregnant Women


angicat1 - Thursday, 30 Jul
this is so true. i smacked several people at the brickyard last weekend since they decided that it was ok for them all to rub on my belly. my dad finally decided he was switching me seats before i got arrested for assualt on one of those idiots.

- LovinMyLittleBoy - - Thursday, 30 Jul
Whoever wrote this is a genius! It is too funny! I was reading while at work laughing so hard! I know the feeling, I work in a mall and have tons of people who will walk by and just stare at my belly. Rude but a part of pregnancy. Then others who walk up, not ever talking to me a day in their life and say oh, what are ya having! and when are ya due. Good thing I am pregers cuz boy, I would sure be offended if I wasn't. Haven't had anyone touch my belly yet (except family) but let some stranger I don't know yet and touch me, they might just get slapped! Ha ha! I hate shaking peoples hands let alone have the come and run my belly! ! But this is still the funniest ever! Sorry about the long comment! :)

mommy-ofa-boy - Wednesday, 29 Jul
lmfao, illinos must suck