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26-5-2009 - Levi's Birth Story

My mood while writing this blog: Happy and in love with my little guy!

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WARNING: Looooooooooooooooooooooooong birth story (about a very LONG labour!!)

I had been having regular, 4-5 minute apart labour contractions every night all week that lasted until the next morning and then petered out, so when more contractions started up at around 10:30pm on Thursday night I didn't pay them much attention--although the lower back pain that accompanied them was much worse than usual. Matthew and I went to bed at around midnight but I knew I probably wouldn't be able to sleep through the pain. My hope was that I could rest so that by the time real labour set in I wouldn't be too exhausted from lack of sleep to push our baby out. I'd had so many false labours that both Matthew and I had started to doubt whether real labour would ever happen and that we'd ever be able to meet our little guy!

At about 1:30am I felt my water break. I was lying on my side in bed and no water actually came out, but the feeling was so distinct - a perfect little pop near the top of my uterus - that I knew exactly what it was. I lay there for another hour wondering what would happen and when I should wake Matthew, and was so excited when my contractions began to come on stronger and more painful; now I knew this was finally really it! At about 3am I got up to go to the bathroom, thinking that water would suddenly come gushing out all over the floor, but that didn't happen. Instead, the amniotic fluid just gradually leaked out each time I sat down to pee for the duration of my labour (apparentely because my water broke near the top of the uterus).

I stood next to Matthew's side of the bed and woke him in a soft voice, telling him that the baby was coming. It was 3 in the morning but he was so exited he woke right up and we both started running around, alternately trying to get things ready for the hospital and wondering what family we should call and when or whether we should just get to bed and try to sleep. Sleeping seemed impossible through all the excitement, but we wanted to try to rest as much as possible before things got really crazy so we decided we should lie down and at least try to rest a little between contractions. I called my doula and told her we wanted to labour at home alone for a while but that we'd call her in the morning, and called the midwife on duty and she told me that I should call in the morning and that if my labour hadn't progressed they would induce me further with pitocin.

This was not what I wanted to hear--I had no interest in taking pitocin as I'd heard that it made contractions more painful and I was trying to avoid drugs and taking pain medication if possible. But I wasn't worried yet--the contractions were coming on quite strong now so needign to induce me further just didn't seem likely. The midwife also suggested that Matthew get behind me in bed and push on my back each time a contraction came, and that we both try to sleep in between.

We finally got back into bed and tried to rest between contractions. They were only a couple of minutes apart at this point, but Matthew would fall asleep and I would wake him up each time just enough to push on my back and ease the pain a little. We did this for the rest of the night until early morning, when the contractions became so painful I felt that waking Matthew each time was perhaps putting more emphasis on the contractions. Instead, I started concentrating on breathing through them and trying to see the pain as positive and productive. This worked really well, and it was a surprisingly great feeling--like tidal waves washing over me, bringing our baby closer and closer to us. Matthew's arms around me felt good.

In the early morning I got a few phone calls from family members in Canada wishing me well. I was supposed to call my midwife at 9am and let her know how I had progressed, but I woke up and it was already 10am. Wait - woke up?? I couldn't believe that I had fallen asleep through those painful contractions, but then I noticed that they had subsided and were not quite as painful and were slightly further apart now. Trying not to panic, I called the midwife and she said I should come right in and get induced with pitocin, as they felt it was dangerous for my bag of water to be broken for more than 24 hours. Suddenly I panicked. I had been so happy that my water had broken of its own accord, but now I was feeling anxious about it. I had been preparing myself mentally for an unmedicated birth for a very long time. I wanted to play an active role in my son's birth, and I knew that pitocin can occasionally be risky for the baby and therefore required constant monitoring, and I just felt really uncomfortable about having a time limit placed on my labour. I still hoped I could avoid it if possible.

I asked the midwife if we could try to get things going at home before coming in and she agreed to give us a few hours but said that she expected to see us at the hospital by early afternoon. Then I called my doula, who assured me that there was no risk of infection with a broken water bag unless my cervix was being checked, which is how germs could get inside. She suggested we try doing anything that had preceded contractions in the past, as well as nipple stimulation, red raspberry leaf tea, and to see if we could get in touch with an acupuncturist to help induce us without meds. We tried all of these things (except for the acupuncture, as the person Matthew got in touch with could not do it once labour had begun), but although the contractions had picked up and were getting stronger and closer together they still hadn't reached the intensity they had been the night before. I was frustrated and worried.

At around 2pm the new midwife on duty called to see where we were. We told her we were on our way, and she said we should come in as soon as possible to get induced. At this point I just hoped that checking into triage would take long enough that my contractions would start up full force again on their own and they would no longer feel it necessary. By the time we got to the hospital the contractions were stronger still, and check in took nearly five hours. The contractions picked up almost to the level they had been at before, but the next midwife on duty still felt adamant about the pitocin because of the broken water bag, so they hooked me up to an IV and started with a small dose, which they gradually increased every hour.

Being hooked up to an IV and a constant fetal monitor was not ideal for natural labour, as it limited my mobility and the number of positions I could try during contractions, but I still felt hopeful about what was to come. My contractions might become more painful with pitocin, but since I had never experienced labour contractions before at least I had nothing to compare it to--I was already expecting to face a lot of pain, and still felt prepared to face whatever came, pitocin or not. I was encouraged by how I had been able to convert the pain into something positive the night before, and actually welcomed the more painful contractions once they began to come on even stronger from the pitocin. They were definitely pretty painful!! I opted to lie in the hospital bed with the lights out and just concentrate on riding through them like I had earlier, focusing on converting the pain into something positive, and it started to work again. I'm not sure how exactly how long I did this for, but at some point later the midwife told me she was ready to switch me to a room with a birthing tub so I could labour there if I wanted to, so we walked down the hall to the next room. It was now Friday night, and I had been labouring for nearly 29 hours.

Without being able to concentrate on converting the contractions into something positive, walking with them was really difficult. I barely remember how I got there! By the time we got to the new room, the contractions had exponentially increased to the point where they felt much stronger than I could have imagined. It was like as soon as I lost my concentration they got the better of me. I laboured for a while on the bed, but now I couldn't seem to get into an even remotely manageable position with the IV and monitor, which was clinched tightly around my belly and back right where the pain hit and was making the contractions even more painful than they were. It was impossible to get comfortable on the birthing ball with the IV setup and the monitor around my giant belly, but the doula showed Matthew a way of squeezing my hips through each contraction that really helped. Still, the lower back nerve pain I was experiencing seemed to overshadow everything - it was truly excruciating and didn't stop between contractions, which were coming at about one and a half minutes apart at this point. This meant that there was no relief in the pain between contractions, no time to recover, and that the contractions themselves only increased the already immense pain I was feeling. The pain was beginning to scare me because the constant raw nerve pain in my back between contractions was already more than I could bear, so the thought of it increasing with each coming contraction was truly terrifying. Apparently my baby's head was resting hard against the nerve, with less and less water to buffer it.

At some point, I decided to get in the shower. The nurse set me up on a small chair below the stream, and told me I could have the temperature as hot as I liked. Matthew got in there with me, and when his clothes soaked through he stripped down naked, so that he could continue to squeeze my hips with each contraction. I could never have gotten through that time without him. Though the pain at this point was truly terrifying, this was also the highlight of the entire labour experience for me and I'm grateful for it. Matthew was so wonderful, and I felt like with him there I could get through anything. It was so nice to feel like we were giving birth to our baby together. The funny thing is that the nurse kept coming in every few minutes to rearrange the fetal monitor on my belly because it kept moving with each contraction. I believe we were in there for a couple of hours, and she must have come in to rearrange that thing 30 or 40 times!! In retrospect I might have found it annoying and intrusive (I'm sure Matthew did as he was buck naked as well!), but I was so focused on getting through each contraction with Matthew and our baby that I barely registered it. The only thing I remember thinking is--how am I ever going to get out of this shower? I can't do this outside of this shower, I am going to have to give birth in here, I'll never make it out of here, I can't move!! I was also vaguely concerned about the danger of having all that electrical stuff wired to me in the shower, but I figured they had obviously rigged up a safe setup.

We had been in the shower for what seemed like an eternity when the doula peeked in and told me that my mom had rrived. I had mixed feelings about my mom being with me during the labour, mainly because while she can be a great comfort at timesm, if I decided I no longer wanted her there I wasn't sure how I would be able to get her to leave again without offending her. But I was glad she was there--I felt like the more support I had the better because I couldn't get through the contractions without someone squeezing my hps, which was hard and exhausting work.

At this point I think the doula asked if we wanted to get out of the shower so that the midwife could check my cervix and see how far dilated I was. All I know is that we left that safe haven, and suddenly I was having contractions on the bed that I truly could not handle any longer. It was Saturday morning and I had been in labour for over 30 hours now. Once I was out of the shower I could find no position that was even remotely manageable, and the nerve pain was so intense and constant that I could barely tell when each contraction started and stopped and began to be consumed by fear of them getting any stronger. Matthew had gone to use the bathroom for just a few minutes, but I felt like the pain increased without him there with me. I literally felt like I could chew my way through the mattress, the blinding pain in my back was so intense, and I remember telling the midwife a few times that I was worried I might scratch my own eyes out (and really meaning it)! I am no stranger to pain, and I really thought there was a limit as to how much pain a person could feel. I was wrong, lol!!!!

The midwife decided to check and see how dilated I was. I didn't know how I could possibly sit still long enough for her to check. I couldn't believe it when she said that I was only dilated to 2.5cm after all that labour, and I knew I would never make it to 10 at the rate that I was going. There was no way I could wait that long. I told the midwife I needed an epidural. It was immensely disappointing after trying so hard and labouring for so long without meds, and I also remember feeling terribly guilty and worrying about what Matthew would think (silly, because he was very supportive of whatever choice I made). But I was too out of my mind to think about it much, all I knew was that there was no way I could take one more minute of the pain I was feeling. I don't know how I got through the next hour or so before they gave it to me--it is just a blind blur of terrifying pain. In retrospect I have to laugh though--the nurses there are used to most of their patients getting epidurals and often sleeping through parts of their labour so I must have been quite a sight, naked and sopping wet and screaming with a hospital gown hanging from one shoulder, threatening to scratch my eyes out. Yikes!

I want to mention here that in no way do I have anything against epidurals. When I first got pregnant I had every intention of getting one myself. But over the course of my pregnancy I changed my mind. I had several personal reasons for not wanting one, not least of which was that I've never really handled medications very well and have had all sorts of averse reactions to drugs in the past. As a result, I generally prefer to feel pain than the effects of medications, which usually make me feel crappier in the long run than the pain itself. I also felt like I would be more likely to have a successful labour without tearing or further interventions if I could be an active participant, figure out when to push without coaching, and have the freedom to move around. I am a chronic back pain sufferer and in my experience being able to move around and change positions is always the best thing for me. Beyond that, I had never laboured before and didn't want to assume that I needed the drugs without seeing if I can handle it without first. Considering my track record, it seemed to me that if I could manage to avoid the epidural, I might actually have an easier labour and a quicker healing time and both myself and my baby might be better in the long run. So while it was crushing to go through 32 hours of unmedicated labour only to get an epidural in the end, I'm glad I tried--if I hadn't, I know for sure that I would have always wondered whether I would have been better off if I had gone without and I didn't want to have any postpartem regrets.

When the doctors arrived to give me the epidural, everyone was told to leave the room. I was in too much pain at this point to worry much about the needle. Once that epidural was in there, the pain decreased very quickly and things changed completely. It was crazy--the difference between natural labour and labour with an epidural was like night and day! Suddenly everyone came back into the room, the lights went out, the shades were drawn, and everybody went to sleep. I couldn't feel anything but extreme itchiness, like I was wearing a sweaty woolen sweater over every inch of my bare skin. Otherwise I couldn't really feel my body. It was a wierd sensation. It took a while to get used to the feeling of feeling nothing at all (expect the itching)--especially after feeling so much just moments before and all the activity suddenly grinding to a halt. We all slept on and off for hours while the contractions came and went and my cervix dilated, all without me feeling anything.

Oddly enough, on some level I think I actually preferred the pain and activity of the natural labouring process--well, at least the first 29 hours or so until the pain became more than I could take. But the great thing about epidurals (besides cutting off the pain) is that they enable you to relax enough to dilate faster. Several hours after they administered the epidural I was finally at a 10 and fully effaced. The new midwife on duty told me that I should let her know when I started to feel the baby coming or if I felt like bearing down. I couldn't feel anything at all at this point, so we waited a few more hours, during which time they topped off the epidural again as the midwife was concerned that if the back pain came back while I was trying to push it could hinder the process. Finally I started feeling a faint pressure and everyone snapped into action again.

Pushing was hard because I was so numb - not to mention wiped out! - but I made myself wake up as much as possible through the sleep-deprived, druggy haze so I could actively push. After about an hour of pushing with nurse and midwife coaching, I asked them to please stop counting as I could finally feel the baby and knew when to push myself. I was so thrilled to be able to feel what was going on again! I remember the nurse looking at me like I was crazy when I told her how releived I was to be able to feel the contractions - she said wait, you're GLAD about that? But it enabled me to know when to naturally push, and finally after so many hours I felt like I new what I was doing again -- at the most important time too. It was now Saturday afternoon. It had been nearly 40 hours since my water broke.

I pushed for three hours. At first the only positions I could manage were flat on my back, because I still had no feeling in my legs. The doula suggested a method in which she tied a blanket to the birthing bar and I grabbed it and hoisted myself up to push with each contraction. At one point they held a mirror up so that I could see what was going on. At first I was afraid to look, because I worried that it might make me scared--but it didn't. All I could really see was a triangle of his head with some hair on it. It was great to have Matthew and my mom there helping me along. All that worrying about my mom was for nothing. She had been through this same thing with my sister, brother and I, and was a great comfort. I have never felt so bonded to her as I did at that point.

For the next couple of hours, we kept seeing his little head appear and disappear, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Then the midwife said he was stuck behind my pelvic bone and she thought I needed a c-section. At this point I realized I really needed to wake up and do some serious pushing if I wanted to avoid a c-section. She brought an OBGYN into the room and the first thing the woman said was, "wow, you must be so tired!". I tried to break through the haze and look alive, and denied that I was tired at all--haha. The OBGYN reached in and tried to turn the baby so that he was in a better position to come out, but wasn't able to turn him, particularly because there was very little amniotic fluid left which made it even harder. She said she felt I needed a c-section, but when she saw how much I wanted a vaginal birth she told me she'd give me another 20 minutes to push and come back to see how I had progressed.

I knew that lying on my back probably wasn't the best option for pushing because I didn't have the benefit of gravity helping me along (and I needed all the help I could get!). I decided I had get up on my wobbly legs and try pushing on all fours. But I still had no feeling at all in my left leg and very little in my right, so Matthew had to hold up one of my legs and the nurse held the other so I wouldn't fall, and I started pushing with everything I had. I could feel him almost coming out with each contraction, then slipping back in when it ended. It was so frustrating! I was determined to get him out because I didn't want surgery! So I kept pushing as hard as I could. At one point the OBGYN came back in and watched me push. I knew she really wanted me to have a vaginal birth, and she really did give me a chance to push him out myself--but it just wasn't happening. Finally, she told me I could continue pushing for hours but it wasn't progressing, and it had been nearly two days since my water broke and they didn't want to leave it any longer. So a c-section it was.

I was devastated that after all that labouring and pushing I was still getting a c-section. It would have been different if the c-section had been planned, but it was hard not to feel like I had failed at something I had been trying so hard for for two days and I finally just broke down into tears. I was so exhausted. My mom was so great--she told me how proud she was of how hard I had fought. I really appreciated this because I felt like the doula was disappointed in me, and to be honest I was feeling guilty about all the drugs and interventions and futile pushing that my baby had been through--our entire birth plan had gone out the window. Having to have a c-section on top of all that was truly crushing.

The c-section was harer than I thought. For some reason I had assumed that it wouldn't be that uncomfortable, but by the time I got in there I had been pumped with so many drugs and was so exhausted that having my arms strapped down and being cut into while awake was the last straw. Whatever they gave me (on top of everything else I had had over the past day and a half) had me shaking so hard that I felt like I was having a seizure and going to get lockjaw, and I wondered how they were going to manage to cut straight when I was moving so much. I didn't like feeling what they were doing down there. But Matthew was with me, holding my hand, and there was a really nice man sitting behind me (a nurse or resident?) who kept reassuring me in a calm voice, which really helped. I was too out of it to register much but at one point Matthew heard the doctors say that they didn't know how they were going to get the baby out, he was lodged to hard into my pelvis. Poor Matthew was terrified. But then we heard our son crying and it was the most beautiful sound in the world. The sound of his voice was so surprising and unexpected and wonderful, that both Matthew and I started to cry.

Obviously, putting our son on my chest as soon as he was born was out of the question, as they were still sewing me up. Matthew was still able to cut part of the cord and bring him over to me so I could see him. He was so unexpected looking and just so beautiful, I couldn't believe he had come out of me. He had a mark on his forehead from being repeatedly pushed against my pelvic bone, he poor guy! But I was still very uncomfortable so I wasn't able to turn my head or concentrate much. Matthew opened his shirt and held his little body against his chest until I had been sewn up and wheeled into the recovery room, and finally he brought him to me and I was able to hold him and meet him and breastfeed him and look into his eyes. I was so relieved to have him back with me, and he naturally latched on and began to breastfeed immediately, which was a relief. It was great to be together again--I was so used to being with him all the time from 9 months of being pregnant, it was good to finally hold him close.

The recovery has been fairly intense, as in effect I've been recovering from 3 different types of childbirth - natural labour, medicated labour with 3 hours of pushing, and a c-section! But it has all been worth it for Levi. I was suprised that it took me a while to get over the birth--for one thing it was nearly 2 days long and a somewhat traumatic experience, and despite the fact that it doesn't make a lot of sense, I guess I was a little disappointed in myself that it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. But ultimately none of that matters anymore. I finally have my son, and he is perfect.

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3 Comments on Levi's Birth Story


mLoBaby09 - Monday, 13 Jul
Hi Leigh! I've finally gotten around to reading this and all I can say is wow! I teared up reading some of the parts. My heart was breaking for you... what a birth story this is! I'm so glad Levi was okay through all of that, but gosh, how traumatic for you. I hope your postpartum blues are letting up. Anyone would struggle after an ordeal like this.

hmm923 - Sunday, 31 May
Wow - I knew all along that this ended in a c-section, but I still found myself riveted and somehow hoping that it would turn out differently. Thanks so much for sharing this.

I've been meaning to ask you, did you see the documentary "The Business of Being Born?" At least I think that is what it's called. Rikki Lake helped put it together. I thought it was really interesting, especially on the issue of midwives.

Hope all is well with you and Levi. Maggie is doing well. She's almost 6 weeks old. I can't believe it!

jmercedess - Tuesday, 26 May
I got throught it...You should be a writer or are you...LOL...You would hate me...Only two push`s and John Daniel was out...But I had very bad intense pain like you were explaining in the shower...I couldnt lay down...and I had to I was using my shoulders and legs to hold me cause I couldnt put no pressure in the middle...Plus they made me lay on my side cause of JD`S heart beat...They were worried that I need a c-section...kept on giving me advice on the epidural incase...I said I want to feel the baby...LOL...They doc and nurse also thought I was crazy...But with every contraction I had erge to push and they were getting mad at me cause I wasnt even half dialted...So I got the epidural...But I wasnt numb...It took the edge of me pushing and I was able to put my HOLE body down...But boy did I have a charly horse on my legs...That hurt...I got the epidural about 11am and about 1:20pm I said I was feel the erge to push...Nurse said I wasnt ready only about 8 dialted...She gave more medicine....I looked and pushed she ran said STOP you are about 9 now...I said NO another push she ran called doc...She is crowning...One more and he flow out..LOL...Serously..I guess I pushed more than twice but you know what I mean...I went in at 7am I started at 2am...They by mystake broke my water while checking me at 8..(I have never felt my water break by itself)and then the pain started contractions were min about since 8am till birth...I guess he was sunnyside up and all in back labour...was very intense...I was happy I felt it all when he came out...Glad I took the epidural cause I was able to lay down for couple hours...My friend was in the labour room(Hubby went to get cloths for my daughter) and she stood said WoW you made that fast and easy...She is due in October...My hubby probley would of missed it even if he was in the hospital cause he was in the family room with parents quite often and if they called down to let him Know I would of already been done...Now I am writing a long note...LOL...