So I'm not proud of how my baby was concieved and please
don't judge me for it, I had a very drunken one night stand and became
pregnant because of it, I fought with myself and nearly terminated but
couldn't and ended up ruining my relationship with my partner because of
it but I had to keep my baby.
My ex still comes round every day as he is the father of my three
youngest and still helps out in anyway he can despite me telling him he
doesn't need to, as far as I am concerned, we are over and he needs to
move on with his life and I need to move on with mine which I can't do
while he is round all the time.
I feel guilty, for what I've done to him and how I feel about my
unborn son... I can't bring myself to feel anything about him, I don't
talk to anyone about my pregnancy, the only reason he has a name is cos
my other children helped decide it, I'm 28 weeks and haven't bought
anything, I'm not excited about his arrival and am terrified of how I
will feel once he is born.
I just can't feel anything for him without feeling guilty about my
ex, and know its not gonna change once he's here due to my ex being here
all the time, I've tried to explain this to my ex but he just tells me
its my problem, not his and he will continue to see his kids every day
which I don't have a problem with as I would never stop him from seeing
them, I just wish he would take them elsewhere instead of being round
mine all day, every day.
I'm dreading going into labour as I'll have to rely on him having my
other children whilst I'm in hospital plus he'll be here when I bring my
son home and I know that I won't be able to show my son any affection
or bond with him while my ex is here and he is adament that I'm gonna
need his help once baby is here but I don't want or need his help and
I've told him this.
I know I have brought all this on myself with the one supid mistake I
made and that I have to deal with it but its been weighing on me for
some time now and I have no one else I can talk too... I just needed to
get it off my chest.