22-7-2009 - starting to freak out a bit & some drama & updates

My mood while writing this blog: a combination of anxious, scared, and somewhat stressed

Ok so today is July 22nd (already)... Journey is set to start day care on August 15th and my university classes begin on September 1st, giving me about 2 weeks of easing her into daycare and being away from me all day (not to mention easing me into being away from her all day :( :( :( ) before classes start. I am starting to freak out about this... I know in my heart that she will be okay at daycare. They are a good one with great employees and references and I know some of the girls that work there a little bit... I also know that daycare will be good for her - being around plenty of kids which she likes and just having some time every day to become more independant and things; and i know that her being at daycare will be good for me as well. And I am continuously reminding myself that I am doing this FOR HER. Trying to better myself through school and get a good job I mean. But I am starting to panic... this is my baby... she is my everything and I'm starting to stress about someone else watching her for a large majority of the day. What if shes difficult and they dont know what to do with her? What if she misses me so much that she just screams all day (which is possible since she is still having some separation anxiety..) What if shes just not happy? I am prepared to be driving to school bawling my eyes out for the first little bit until we both get used to it but I am still stressed and sad, scared and excited all at the same time.

I also cant believe she's going to be one in October. It has gone so quickly. She is 9 months old now, probably just over 20lbs, almost 27 inches long. She crawls FAST lol, she can stand with assistance and take some steps too. She has been eating table food for quite awhile now, I stopped making baby food months ago now. Oh, and we are still nursing. Which is another concern of mine about daycare, but we are trying to get more on a cup during the day but I know I need to work harder at that then I am at the moment... I just love breastfeeding and the time it gives us together.

On to my drama.............

So those of you who know me know I am not with Journeys SD, havent been since shortly after finding out I was pregnant. Anyways, he hasnt been around since December. Not to mention he only saw her maybe 3 times between Oct and Dec. But anyways, he moved away, across the country in January with some skank he ment online and hasnt called or contacted me since. I could care less, were better without him anyways. But he apparently really likes the drama........... posting all this stuff on his facebook, calling me names, saying im a C*** and a crazy bitch who wont let him see journey (um no, you moved away and broke contact, not that he tried anyways...) he says that he calls and i wont take them, that i tell him to f*** off or threaten to call the cops but he has honestly never once called me. He had some other chick search me on facebook and steal the only picture she could see since I had privacy settings. I dont even mind that he has a picture of her, just that he couldnt be bothered to ask me for one himself. On top of that he had his mom send me a message on facebook calling me a bitch and asking why I wasnt letting any of them be involved. Imo it wasnt even worth a response, if he cant contact me himself I am certainly not wasting my time corresponding with anyone else who btw hadnt had an interest at all in the last 9 months either. Needless to say I deleted my facebook, which sucks and i miss it because I loved facebook but I couldnt be bothered to deal with all of the drama. I have a friend who still has him on her facebook who sends me updates and copies of the crap and lies he is spreading, which I am keeping in a file incase we ever end up in court, which I guess is what his mom wants to do. I know he is far to lazy to ever actually take me to court, plus if he does he will be stuck with back child support which he doesnt want to pay. So I am pretty sure I am safe. I also did alot of research on family law here and I dont think he has a case at all anyways, but I am prepared if it comes to it.

I am still single, its been quite awhile since I got some LOL which I am starting to feel like I could use. But at this point its been so long that I'm actually scared. Ive been on a few dates since having Journey but they turned out crappy and didnt go anywhere. Im not in a rush at all as I dont even think I have time in my life for anyone else at this point; but boy do i sure get lonely sometimes. In a perfect world I'd have a perfect little family, but journey and me are my perfect family and I wouldnt change it for the world. Shes amazing. I cant believe how much she has grown, shes really turning into a little person now, with a strong personality and an amazing heart. I love watching her grow :)