29-9-2009 - Problems...

My mood while writing this blog: annoyed

Ok so i feel like my relationship is in a total replay right now....things have been sooo on egde between us lately and im getting pretty sick of it...

Money has been really tight around here with hubby not having a job and me trying to work out my stuff and get back into school so of course thats what most of our issues are with, he just gets so pissed and decides to take it out on me, like it's not even my fault he doesnt have a job so why does he have to do that!?! he has 3 job offers at the moment and they are all pretty much part time, he agreed to work this week with two different places and all i did was ask him how he thinks thats goin to work and he told said " well im not just goin to sit here and wait for a job that isnt goin to come!!! " and he totally freaked out, i was like ummmm how do u plan on being in two places at once, u cant just say yes to 2 different things and then go back and be like oh wait a minute i CANT work with u this week, hes such an idiot like that, i mean yes he does have a point about not waiting for a job but still that has nothing to do with iut....i just dont want him to mess it all up and end up with nothing bcuz honestly we cant afford it right now, take last month for example, we are behind in our cable bill and snoop dogg as comin here for a concert, guess what he chose to do with his money....yep! u guessed it, he went to that stupid concert, i was pissed bcuz he knew he couldnt afford it yet he didnt care what i had to say and went anyways and now we are really behind in our bills (our rent is paid up and will continue to be ) but thats not even the point, i just want him to understand that we need to take care our responsibilities

With all this being said, i totally blew up at him today like i was SO unbelievably mad i actually threw the remote control and it smashed into a thousand peices, looking back it was stupid but i am honestly not a violent or hostile person but at times he can def. bring that out in me, like today, i just said f*ck it and went to bed for 3 hours leaving him to watch DD while i cooled down. I got up to him mouthing off about how he had to watch DD and i got to sleep well im sorry i put a dent in ur precious life sweetheart what were ur plans for the day, surely not going to work??!!! he knows how much pain i have been in because of my cyst, i havent been able to move without pain and cant even sleep at night bcuz im so uncomfortable and i cant even get a break!! seriously, i take care of DD all day everyday whether he is working or not and i cant even take a nap when i dont feel good bcuz he wants to sit around, i dont think so! i spend hours of my life cleaning up after him and he doesnt even offer to help me, he actually gets mad when i tell him to do the dishes, he doesnt do anything else around here!!!! UGH!

Ok so sorry this is so long but i need to vent before i loose it, im not TTC anymore until i feel a bit more financially stable and def. not until my relationship gets off the rocks, i feel like its the same thing every few months like im in a cycle, we will be happy and in love and loving life and then for some reason or another he gets so tense and builds this wall and decides to take all his issues out on me, its not fair and i dont deserve it, i was so close to telling him to get out today, hopefully tomorrow will be better, he has to work tomorrow so maybe some time away from each other will help.

Thanks for listening ladies, much love!

Chasity xoxoxox