20-11-2009 - I\'ve Made My Decision...

My mood while writing this blog: blah

Hello ladies! just thought i'd write u all a blog before i take off, i have decided that im leaving this site, not for good but until i get my sh*t together. Im just so tired, tired of everything. tired of waking up and thinking about pregnancy all the time. tired of watching others get pregnant before my eyes (ones who werent even trying) tired of seeing babies born to mothers who are not fit to take of them. I'm just so tired....

I've said it before and i will say it again, no, i havent been trying that long but u know what this whole 9 months has been such and emotional rollercoaster for me. Everytime i got to the doctors its like i discover something new thats wrong with me, fixable or not its like taking 2 steps back and its just so hard to stay positive all the time like i know u need me to be. I just cant be that person. not now anyways. Its like i can feel myself slipping away into a depression. I will start crying randomly, or when watching anything that has a child and/or pregnancy in it. I feel sick to my stomache at the thought of BDing, why u ask? well i know im not going to "make a baby" so the whole thing just seems stupid to me now. Hubby sees how much i've changed in the past few months and he doesnt think i should be on here obsessing all the time and i totally agree with him. Its doing me no good at all bcuz every month is different for me, i never know when to expect O, i always think im pregnant and AF ALWAYS show her ugly face.

Sometimes i just think about God and how he works...i mean Savanaa wasnt even planned, i was on birth control yet she was concieved. I like to think that she is my miracle and i love her so much its unbelievable. But why would God let her be concieved knowing how it would change my life? knowing that i couldnt live with myself if i couldnt have another one?? I know im young and i have plenty of time but i want it now! I want my children close in age and to have a bond together, not 10 years apart like hubby and his brother. I want to feel the joys of pregnancy like all those other women out there whether they are deserving or not, i just want a chance. I want to remember what its like holding that newborn baby and feeling the most wonderful happiness ever known. Yes, i have Savanaa and like i said i love her more then anything, she is my baby and always will be, but i would kill to exerience all of it again. Just once more, i know that sounds greedy but its what i want. I have known i wanted to be a mother ever since i was a child, ever since i was taken from my birth mother, ever since i realized that my own mother was too messed up to be able to care for me. I didnt want that to happen to another child. I was raised by my god parents who are the most wonderful people for loving me and showing me what a real family should be like. But not a day goes by i dont think about my own mother, just the little things. I was 7 when she passed away and altho i really didnt understand, i still loved her so much, i wanted to be with her but by law i wasnt allowed. When she was sick and dying i was brought to see her once in the hospital. I always wondered what it would be like if her life was different, i probably wouldnt be here.....Now, i feel like i am forgetting her, things about her seem to slip my mind, i have a hard time picturing her when i think about when she was alive. It hurts. I just want to have children and have them know they are loved, and help them grow into wonderful people.

Sorry that this is so long and all over the place i guess i just, once again, needed a place to vent all my feelings and frustrations. I know i wont be pregnant this cycle, it has been 8 months and not one egg has been caught so why now? im going to be taking a break from this site until i become pregnant, as long as that may take. I just wanted to let u ladies know how much i appreciate the love and support u have all showed me. Some of u, i condsider more of a friend then the ones i have in person. Not a day goes by that i dont think of u all and wish u all well on ur wonderful journey to motherhood. Most of u are almost there :) So Thanks ladies, for being the wonderful friends i needed to help me thru the tough times. Now i guess i need to do this on my own, not even my doctor can help me get pregnant.

If any of u have facebook and havent added me and would like to stay in contact, please do!!! my email is xosuper_womanox@hotmail.com and i would LOVE updates on how ur all doing. Until i return,

Chasity xoxoxo