| danamommy08 | |
 | Age: 28 Country: US Province/region: Ohio City: Cincinnati Partner: Ben (Husband) Children: Yes, 2 Pregnant: No Occupation: SAHM |
| Online: 41 days ago. Last updated: 56 days ago. Member since: 2127 days | |
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I wasn't meant to be a mom. I always said I never wanted kids, after watching the struggles my parents went through (I'm the oldest of 4) I decided it wouldn't be fair for me to put a child through that, plus I just plain didn't want kids. I have no patience whatsoever (my sister Melanie can vouch for that) and my temper is extremely short. When I found out I was pregnant I did think about adoption, but I knew my family would never speak to me again if I did it, so I didn't. And I was right. Since the day Benjamin was born I haven't felt bonded to him. He doesn't have a secret smile just for me or get excited when he sees me. When my family came home from vacation and my sister said hi to my son, he smiled so damn big, it broke my heart. He doesn't smile that big for me. Being a mommy is very hard work and most of the time, I don't like it. And I feel like such a piece of shit because there are women out there who would kill to be in my shoes, who can't get pregnant and their dream is to be a mommy. I was very depressed when we came home from the hospital but I never told anyone and I never got any help. I didn't want people (mainly my mom) to think I was blowing it out of proportion. And Ben would have never understood. Now its too late to get help, I don't have insurance anymore. I don't drive so I can't join any groups, I'm stuck in the house all day. Lately Benjamin has been super fussy, teething I presume, and I HATE it. Tonight, he wouldn't stop crying no matter what I did so I put him on the floor, screaming, and I went to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed, hysterically crying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't call my mom, she was at work, I couldn't call Ben's mom, they were re carpeting their house, so I called my friend Heather and she was at my house 25 minutes later. I just couldn't take it anymore, the crying. I was not meant to be a mommy. Heather made me pack a bag for him and she took him for the night. What am I supposed to do? If she hadn't taken him I don't know what I would have done, and I mean I don't know what I would have done. I only have one kid and I act like I have 20. I have no problem with people taking him for a couple of hours here and there (not like that happens, though) and most moms can't stand to be away from their child for more than an hour. What is wrong with me? When I would watch A Baby Story or Bringing Home Baby and they'd have help with them 24/7 for one baby I would laugh, like oh god one baby isn't that bad. I take that back now. I need help, I want help, but I'm not fortunate enough like they are. Don't get me wrong, Ben's mom takes Benjamin every Saturday night and yeah its a nice break but she usually doesn't get him til 5pm and then brings him home Sunday about 2pm. She won't take him Friday nights because she wants to give us both a break, but what she doesn't realize is that the only day Ben has to care for Benjamin is on Sundays when she drops him off. Ben doesn't help me through the week, he gets up at 12-1230 (and that's only because I make him get up, otherwise he'd get up at 130 like before and while I was pregnant) and he'll watch him while I take a shower and then I take over again because Ben needs to eat and get ready for work. I can't tell her that cuz I don't want to upset her. And I don't have room to bitch anyway because Ben isn't making me to go work, I live in his house, he buys the food (on the rare occasions we go to the freaking store), etc, blah, blah, fucking blah. So yeah, so far I have failed at being a mommy, graduating college, and everything else in life. I think my dad said the other day, God doesn't throw things your way that you can't handle. Um, HELLO???? I am not handling this very well, if at all, and I just want to run away and never come back.
3 Comments on Dana=FAILURE
ambeezielikewhoa - Friday, 5 Sep
this blog describes exactly how i feel. i am with you girl. if you need anything you let me know and i will help to the best of my ability!
lisamarie8503 *PINK* - Saturday, 23 Aug
Not to sound rude AT ALL, but I think you need to find a job outside of the house. Some people just arent meant to be SAHM. Go out there and find some work and get him in daycare so you dont go nuts! It wouldnt be fair for your poor little guy to be left alone crying because you cant handle it. Why dont you have insurance? If you are a single mom not married and without a job, the government will provide you with insurance, especially since you have a baby. You need to go to a dr and get help for yourself, it sounds like PPD to me. You are not a failure...Emma doesnt give me any special smiles, so dont be concerned about that! Best of luck, relax!
kaylaaa - Saturday, 23 Aug
I think you need to seek help. I know you say you aren't able to at the moment but that sounds like you might have postnatal depression and it could develop into psychosis. It doesn't go away by itself. It's not a matter of "handling" anything it is just something that happens to some people and it certainly doesn't make you a failure. If you are saying things like you don't know what you would have done had your friend not taken your son for the night then it is time to speak up. Good luck and i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope everything all works out for you, and I hope you manage to bond with your son.
Also remember, just because you don't see it doesn't mean you aren't the centre of his universe. He will love you more than anyone on this earth and you might not feel it but it's true. you're his mama,
| 22-8-2008 - Dana=FAILURE |  My mood while writing this blog:depressed |
I wasn't meant to be a mom. I always said I never wanted kids, after watching the struggles my parents went through (I'm the oldest of 4) I decided it wouldn't be fair for me to put a child through that, plus I just plain didn't want kids. I have no patience whatsoever (my sister Melanie can vouch for that) and my temper is extremely short. When I found out I was pregnant I did think about adoption, but I knew my family would never speak to me again if I did it, so I didn't. And I was right. Since the day Benjamin was born I haven't felt bonded to him. He doesn't have a secret smile just for me or get excited when he sees me. When my family came home from vacation and my sister said hi to my son, he smiled so damn big, it broke my heart. He doesn't smile that big for me. Being a mommy is very hard work and most of the time, I don't like it. And I feel like such a piece of shit because there are women out there who would kill to be in my shoes, who can't get pregnant and their dream is to be a mommy. I was very depressed when we came home from the hospital but I never told anyone and I never got any help. I didn't want people (mainly my mom) to think I was blowing it out of proportion. And Ben would have never understood. Now its too late to get help, I don't have insurance anymore. I don't drive so I can't join any groups, I'm stuck in the house all day. Lately Benjamin has been super fussy, teething I presume, and I HATE it. Tonight, he wouldn't stop crying no matter what I did so I put him on the floor, screaming, and I went to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed, hysterically crying. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I couldn't call my mom, she was at work, I couldn't call Ben's mom, they were re carpeting their house, so I called my friend Heather and she was at my house 25 minutes later. I just couldn't take it anymore, the crying. I was not meant to be a mommy. Heather made me pack a bag for him and she took him for the night. What am I supposed to do? If she hadn't taken him I don't know what I would have done, and I mean I don't know what I would have done. I only have one kid and I act like I have 20. I have no problem with people taking him for a couple of hours here and there (not like that happens, though) and most moms can't stand to be away from their child for more than an hour. What is wrong with me? When I would watch A Baby Story or Bringing Home Baby and they'd have help with them 24/7 for one baby I would laugh, like oh god one baby isn't that bad. I take that back now. I need help, I want help, but I'm not fortunate enough like they are. Don't get me wrong, Ben's mom takes Benjamin every Saturday night and yeah its a nice break but she usually doesn't get him til 5pm and then brings him home Sunday about 2pm. She won't take him Friday nights because she wants to give us both a break, but what she doesn't realize is that the only day Ben has to care for Benjamin is on Sundays when she drops him off. Ben doesn't help me through the week, he gets up at 12-1230 (and that's only because I make him get up, otherwise he'd get up at 130 like before and while I was pregnant) and he'll watch him while I take a shower and then I take over again because Ben needs to eat and get ready for work. I can't tell her that cuz I don't want to upset her. And I don't have room to bitch anyway because Ben isn't making me to go work, I live in his house, he buys the food (on the rare occasions we go to the freaking store), etc, blah, blah, fucking blah. So yeah, so far I have failed at being a mommy, graduating college, and everything else in life. I think my dad said the other day, God doesn't throw things your way that you can't handle. Um, HELLO???? I am not handling this very well, if at all, and I just want to run away and never come back.
3 Comments on Dana=FAILURE
ambeezielikewhoa - Friday, 5 Sep
this blog describes exactly how i feel. i am with you girl. if you need anything you let me know and i will help to the best of my ability!
lisamarie8503 *PINK* - Saturday, 23 Aug
Not to sound rude AT ALL, but I think you need to find a job outside of the house. Some people just arent meant to be SAHM. Go out there and find some work and get him in daycare so you dont go nuts! It wouldnt be fair for your poor little guy to be left alone crying because you cant handle it. Why dont you have insurance? If you are a single mom not married and without a job, the government will provide you with insurance, especially since you have a baby. You need to go to a dr and get help for yourself, it sounds like PPD to me. You are not a failure...Emma doesnt give me any special smiles, so dont be concerned about that! Best of luck, relax!
kaylaaa - Saturday, 23 Aug
I think you need to seek help. I know you say you aren't able to at the moment but that sounds like you might have postnatal depression and it could develop into psychosis. It doesn't go away by itself. It's not a matter of "handling" anything it is just something that happens to some people and it certainly doesn't make you a failure. If you are saying things like you don't know what you would have done had your friend not taken your son for the night then it is time to speak up. Good luck and i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope everything all works out for you, and I hope you manage to bond with your son.
Also remember, just because you don't see it doesn't mean you aren't the centre of his universe. He will love you more than anyone on this earth and you might not feel it but it's true. you're his mama,
Photos
Children
Latest blogs
09-1-2012 - 17 years and I still remember like it was yesterday
25-12-2011 - Update on everything!
20-2-2011 - Benjamin is 3!
27-6-2010 - Lily is HERE!
16-6-2010 - Pee pee in the potty!!
22-5-2010 - Out of the mouths of babes!
13-5-2010 - Your MAN survey
10-4-2010 - 3d/4d ultrasound
22-3-2010 - Lily will be here..........
31-1-2010 - Its a GIRL!!!
11-1-2010 - Upset
26-12-2009 - Survey
22-12-2009 - ER visit
19-10-2009 - Here we go again!
18-8-2009 - Scary night.
27-2-2009 - New pics and Benjamin\'s 1 yr doc appt
10-1-2009 - Happy 14th Birthday, little brother!
28-11-2008 - Happy
11-10-2008 - My first proud mommy moment
22-9-2008 - My baby has big boy teeth!
20-9-2008 - Breastfeeding no more
20-9-2008 - Putting my pregnancy things into a blog!
31-8-2008 - Words cannot describe....
22-8-2008 - Dana=FAILURE
21-6-2008 - Its official!
29-4-2008 - Finally
09-1-2012 - 17 years and I still remember like it was yesterday
25-12-2011 - Update on everything!
20-2-2011 - Benjamin is 3!
27-6-2010 - Lily is HERE!
16-6-2010 - Pee pee in the potty!!
22-5-2010 - Out of the mouths of babes!
13-5-2010 - Your MAN survey
10-4-2010 - 3d/4d ultrasound
22-3-2010 - Lily will be here..........
31-1-2010 - Its a GIRL!!!
11-1-2010 - Upset
26-12-2009 - Survey
22-12-2009 - ER visit
19-10-2009 - Here we go again!
18-8-2009 - Scary night.
27-2-2009 - New pics and Benjamin\'s 1 yr doc appt
10-1-2009 - Happy 14th Birthday, little brother!
28-11-2008 - Happy
11-10-2008 - My first proud mommy moment
22-9-2008 - My baby has big boy teeth!
20-9-2008 - Breastfeeding no more
20-9-2008 - Putting my pregnancy things into a blog!
31-8-2008 - Words cannot describe....
22-8-2008 - Dana=FAILURE
21-6-2008 - Its official!
29-4-2008 - Finally
Agenda
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