12-6-2008 - What to do, what to do...

My mood while writing this blog: Contemplative

Today is the first day of my 13th week, and I'm noticing my tummy pudging more and more every day. Still unnoticable to the rest of the world because I just look like I stuffed a 5lb burger down my throat. But I know that as much as I want to be showing, once I DO really start pudging out and my belly gets in my way, I'm gonna be feeling quite the opposite. But I enjoy the fact that my little jumping bean is getting bigger every day.
I think I've finally found a clinic to go to. Here in Japan, many people just go to the local or city hospital for anything from A to Z, and all of my prenatal visits to date have been at the university hospital. I don't have any real complaints about going there. Its just that its takes what seems like forever to be seen, the privacy standards leave something to be wanted, and well, its not a very warm atmosphere. The birthing options are also lacking, although much better than American hospitals. I definately would prefer to give birth in a Japanese hospital than in the States. Here, there's no "lets get 'em in, pop 'em out, send 'em home" attitude. The average postnatal stay in the hospital is 4 to 5 days. PLUS with the socialized health care, the birth and hospital stay is reimbursed up to about $3500 (can't beat that!). Anyway, I have been looking into the costs of going to a private clinic (where I would also have the birth). Its not much different than the hospital, but the atmosphere is more warm and inviting, the staff seem to be more personable, and the inpatient care goes as far as offering beauty treatments before checking out! The only thing that's got me down about it all is that I REALLY want to have a water birth and my heart is set on it. BUT in the area I live in, there doesn't seem to be any hospitals or clinics that offer that as an option. So I'm stuck trying to figure out my next step. I found a great clinic that's only a few blocks from my apartment that I feel very comfortable with (and has English speaking doctors and midwives). But I want to keep searching to see if there just happens to be a clinic that does water births. I asked the staff at the clinic when I went to get some information and she said she doesn't know of any places like that in this area. I don't want to settle, but it seems I don't have a choice... *sigh*

Well, on the UP side of things, my relationship with the baby's father, Kentarou, seems to be improving. He's still infuriating at times, but overall he seems to have done a 180. Well maybe not a 180, more like a 90 degree turn, but its much better than before. It gives me more willpower to try harder with him. I still don't know how he feels about me, and its not easy to have to wonder. But I know its not negative. There are of course things I wish he would do more or less, espeically now since I'm pregnant and its important to rebuild a strong relationship before the baby's here. I'm no longer afraid that he's a flight risk so I feel more secure in that. Honestly I guess if I had to list the top 3 things (no particular order - different day, different order) that get under my skin right now, it'd be these:

1. He's only really affectionate when he wants sex. And its only as much as throwing his arm around me when we're laying down napping and 3 minutes after that he's going for 2nd base, COMPLETELY skipping 1st.
2. He still treats me as if I'm NOT pregnant - not helping with the dishes, asking me to get things for him when he's fully capable of doing it, not really making me feel like he worries about my or the baby's health. (I know that its not that he doesnt care, he just doesnt show that he does).
3. He doesnt share the excitement I have about having this baby, regardless of how difficult it will be.

I see quite a few posts from time to time about how husbands/partners are being overprotective and overbearing. Well I would trade mine for theirs in a heartbeat. At least they don't feel alone or like their partner doesn't care or worry. Plus their partners are probably equally giddy about the pregnancy. And don't get me wrong, I know my partner cares, but he just doesn't show it. So there's a difference between KNOWing and FEELing how someone feels. I guess now that I'm not afraid that he's gonna run, I could just open up about this to him, but I still fear that he'll feel emotionally pressured on top of everything else (job hunting, his current job, money, our future plans, etc). Plus he needs to have a better understanding that I am here without my family and friend base and its just that much more difficult for me. I guess if i were my friend I would tell myself that I should just tell him and if he can't handle it, its on him. It doesnt do me any justice to keep quite about it and let it torment me. And he just gets off easy. Guess there is time when you should take your own advice. Its just easier to give than to use.

So I'm left to ponder, "What to do...what to do..." I'm sure I'm the only one that can figure this out. It would just be nice if we could just get a hint sometimes. Maybe we do get hints, if we just know where to look...