14-6-2008 - A Glimmer of Hope

My mood while writing this blog: still confused but hopeful

just a warning, this might be a bit lengthy (^_^;)

Ok, so I went to a farewell party last night with Ken (the baby's father) for a mutual friend. It'd been a long time since we'd gone out like that together. We all had a great time, and even before we got to the restaurant, Ken was acting much sweeter to me than he has been lately (although its been getting better). Of course after he got a drink to 2 or 3 in him, he was acting even more "in love," almost like when we first started dating. Of course the cynical part of me contributed a huge part of that to the beer (he did break up with me twice before I realized I was pregnant). Well overall it was nice to have him show some affection, beer induced or not, and we had a great time. I had to work early in the morning, plus already being tired from work that day and being pregnant, so naturally I was going to head home early while the rest of the group went about their party plans. He walked me a little ways up the street which during so, he told me he might be falling back in love with me again and that he thinks things have been nice lately. Of course I was surprised and thrilled to hear this from him (all the while keeping in mind that he was drunk), and it really lifted my spirits. Because of that, now I have a little more strength to hope. It was such a great feeling for him to say those things to me, especially when I didn't ask for him to tell me how he felt (but in all fairness I had explained to him that the reason I wasn't initiating sex with him was because (1) I'm pregnant - which he already understood, and (2) because I wasn't sure how he felt about me so it didn't make it comfortable or reasonable for me to initiate sex. So maybe he thought about what I said about reason #2. But the simple fact is that he opened up to me with these feelings and thoughts without me asking, which is HUGE. He kept asking me to kiss him (and PDA is far from common here) especially after I pointed out that we hadn't actually kissed since before we broke up 3 months ago. I basically brushed it off, mainly because I would rather him ask me or make the move when he was sober. We all know how men get when they've been hittin' 'em back... ANYWAY, after ALL of this I told him not to drink too much, have fun, and just be quiet when he got back so as not to wake me. Well...much good that did. Of course he had fun....TOO much fun. He got PLASTERED. He has a key to my place, but for some reason at 3am (which is actually ending the night early here) he's knocking on my door to get in. My sleepy arse gets up, unlocks it, and cracks it open (mind you i'm in my skivies) so that he knows to go ahead and come on in. I proceed to head back to bed, and he's knocking on the door again. I think "okay, he's wasted, great" and again, crack the door open...he's leaning on the door! "smart" I think and just let him continue knocking on the door "sooner or later he'll realize it's OPEN" and proceed to the bathroom before going back to bed. He finally comes in while I'm in the potty and tries to come in after me (but my quick thinking knew that he would try to find me when he came in so I just locked the bathroom door behind me). He then starts to undress to go to sleep and I climb into bed. Now keep in mind, this is not an actual bed. This is a futon, and for those of you who don't know what that is...its sleeping on the floor. Its not bad, at least not until my belly starts to get in the way! Anyhoo, he comes and lays down next to the futon and announces he feels sick. I tell him more than once to go to the bathroom. He's still laying there and the next thing I hear is "uahhhg"...I'm thinking he's hacking on my tatami floor (NOT easy to clean). I turn on the light and lo and behold...he's FAKING! Ok, so I'm pissed at this point because not only am I losing precious sleep time for a long day of work ahead of me, its because he's being a drunken jackass. He thinks its funny of course and continues his escapade untill he falls alseep, snoring..."dumbass." Well all in all he annoyed the pure hell out of me and I ended up sleeping on the sofa in the other room (he's impossible to move or budge when he's passed out). I avoided him all day today which is a good thing, but I was disappointed that he didn't apologize or something to make up for it (because of our language differences and different work schedules we usually just text msg or write a note). Maybe he doesn't remember....It really did put a damper on that great feeling of hope I had...Hopefully he'll come home quiet after work tonight and I'll tell him about it in the morning... *SIGH*