10-12-2010 - :(

My mood while writing this blog: sad

So I'm not having a great day today :( Last night DH & I were supposed to BD (CD11) but instead we had a deep, emotionally difficult conversation/discussion (very rare for us, as he doesn't talk about his feelings very often). I was caught off guard, did not expect it at all. I think I need to get it off my chest, maybe then I will be able to deal with it better.... The tears surely did flow, my eyes were puffy from it this morning!

He just got upset/mad and told me that he is bothered when I tell him things abt the ttcal forum (he feels like its not just us anymore). He doesn't want me to stop coming here, he knows how important this is for me, but I don't think he is real comfortable with it. I was totally surprised. **UPDATE** we talked the next day and this was a big topic for me. He said he thought about it alot as well and felt what he said was untrue and very selfish on his part, he clarified that he just doesn't want me to say "Well she is doing this, so we need to". He doesn't want the comparison. Since then he even asks what is going on with everyone- so maybe he can take some comfort in knowing we are not alone :-)

One minute he is okay with trying anything to be successful- "butt up!", the cup, temping, meds. And the next minute he says that its not intimate anymore and basically am I trying to hard? I do tend to research alot, but about anything (from computers to water coolers to ttc!) so he says he does accept that that is just me, but sometimes it seems like too much. **UPDATE** Again, I think this came out in anger- and although you can't take back what you said, you can apologize, which is what he did. The frustration does come through, for both of us sometimes, so I work on not taking it personally because I don't want him to either. So far, so good.

He also said that it is sometimes hard for him because I am involved 110% in the ttc process but he is only maybe 70% involved- I knew this, but hearing him say it really hurt. I want him to be as involved and concerned as I am. This is OUR family, OUR life, not just mine :( I have to be involved, btw OPK, meds & counting its kinda hard not to have your life somewhat revolve around it, however, I still work full-time, have plenty of hobbies and friends, so life does go on, it just has a bit of a twist to it. *UPDATE* Physically he doesn't have to do anything, but he has helped out more with the things I have to do. Just this morning he said "Thank god you don't have to POAS today!" :-)

We look at our m/c differently...He doesn't look at our m/c as a loss, just another step. I on the other hand take it personally, very to heart. I can accept that difference, even though it hurts, but I just ask for him to respect my feelings as well.

One thing he brought up did touch me. He told me how hard this has been for him too, that he never expected it to be so difficult- something that men & women have been doing since the beginning of time- and its just not that easy for us. Having infertility problems, needing meds, tests & charts was not how he envisioned us starting a family, but unfortunately that has become our reality. He said he wants this to happen for us so badly, and maybe can't understand why it hasn't. I told him we feel the same way, I want this more than anything. So instead of dwelling on our difference in dealing with things we need to bond together because we have the same goal, just maybe different ways of getting there.

At the end I was a wreck, sobbing and such. I had kept quiet about most of my feelings, letting him get his feelings out, but I feel so broken, that everything is my fault. My body is the one with problems and that is hard for me. Maybe I do research and want to try so many things in an attempt to over compensate for what I feel like is my fault. He doesn't blame me, I know that, but its hard to separate yourself from the equation, especially when it is so personal.

After he told me, I was a bit taken aback, he then said "I should have just kept it bottled up like I always do". That made me feel horrible. I did not argue with him, I just want to understand him. Without communication and understanding we cannot move forward as a couple and as parents someday. We have been together a long time, been through a lot and grown up A LOT (I was 16 when we started dating!!) and in that time I have strived to become a better person, especially a better wife. I want to be kind and understanding and a good listener. Maybe that is what has been eating away at me all day. Sometimes getting things out really does help :) Hoping to see him this evening, work through some of our feelings better and end on a much happier note. With a little BDing as well!! ;-)

**Since our talk we have been much more open about our feelings, talking things through and expressing our emotions. I feel much less stressed. Hoping for a Christmas Miracle** 12-18