14-4-2009 - Will it get better?!

My mood while writing this blog: ok

well its been a bit of a nightmare recently so thought id just use this blog to have a bit of an emotional offload so to speak. It all started last week and i started bleeding....ive never been so scared in my life. I dont have a midwife yet because in the UK, you dont normally see a midwife until 12wks so had to phone the Drs. They wouldnt give me an appointment because they said i didnt need to be seen!! Ive never been so angry....anyway cut a long story short...when the midwives that are based at my local infirmary found out they were mortified and immediately took me in for a scan. When i was lying on the bed all i could do was pray my baby was ok and thankfully things seem to be ok...the only thing was that i seem to be measuring a week less than what i thought which may be down to late ovulation. I'm going for another scan on Sunday anyway just to double check things are ok.

My son is a year old on Saturday (18th) and im holding a birthday party for him so have invited all of the family over to celebrate. Anyway to explain before i go into story...mum and dad not together...dad cheated on mum...has been in jail etc etc anyway past is past and everyone is quite civil now or so i thought. On saturday night passed, i get a phone call from one of my uncles whom i normally get on really well with. He completely flips.....effing and blinding at me because ive invited my dad to my house for the party. He threatens to beat me up...calls me all of the names under the sun and makes me feel so small. What right does he have to get on at me for inviting my own father to my house??!! they werent even going to be there at the same time! Hes one to talk....i distinctly remember him hitting his own sister at his mums 70th birthday!! I couldnt believe it, he was so busy hurling abuse at me i didnt even get a word in edgeways. How dare he talk to his niece like that....never mind being pregnant but id already had a crappy week with the bleed. Even now, a couple of days after, im so angry and hurt. Ive not heard from him since...no apology or anything.

I need to apologise for anyone reading this as its not very happy lol but i needed somewhere to vent my emotions. Im struggling so much at the moment in this pregnancy and all of this has just made things that little bit harder. Im very tearful pretty much all of the time but you try and put a brave face on eh? In my last pregnancy i found out my fiance had done some things (nothing physical) with other women and it completely wrecked me. Weve had conselling and we are really trying to work things out. Add a pregnancy with all the bad memories from last one=not very good combination. I just want someone to wave a wand and make it all better...think ive been watching too much disney with my son!

Anyway i'm going to give myself a kick up the backside!! Every day above ground is a good one right? I'm alive, i'm pregnant and i have a beautiful son....shouldnt really be complaining should i?