22-6-2009 - LOST AND CONFUSED

My mood while writing this blog: tired and upset

I dont know what to do. I thought my relationship was making progress and i was so happy...and then saturday night happened. To give you the background....

During my pregnancy with Pearce i tried really hard to include DF in the pregnancy and make sure that he still felt wanted and needed by me. I know that men can sometimes feel pushed to the side when there is a baby on the way which is why i really tried. Anyway a few weeks after Pearce was born Christopher was very secretive about his phone and things so i checked it and he had been txting a girl about wishing how he was in her bed etc and i flipped. I asked him if there had been anything else and he swore that there hadnt been. I knew in my heart that he was lying. I remembered that he'd been on a dating site before we had got together so i decided to check it to see if he'd been on it. He'd not only been on it, he'd emailed god knows how many women in a sexual manner and he'd handed out his number as well to these women. One particular woman he'd been emailing and things for a long time....he'd told her how he loved her and things. He exchanged pictures with these women....phoned them on his way home from work before he rang me. I took Pearce and i left him. He'd also looked at hundreds of porn sites like it was an obsession. Ive never felt so low before, knowing what he did killed me inside. I was so betrayed. After a while we decided to try again and even went to couple conselling and here i am carrying his second child. I really thought we had got through it. It came out in conselling how he'd struggled with the idea of having a child and how doing all of this had made me feel i dont know.....wanted? He had made up this whole other life....he'd even told these women that he was a high flying employee of some company with a flashy car.

I felt he'd changed and my family had also commented on how much he had changed. He is never secretive about his phone anymore, he gave me his email password so i could check it and he deleted pretty much every number in his phone except the ones he needed of course. He has also been very supportive of this pregnancy and i cannot fault him. He helps around the house and is an extremely devoted dad to Pearce.

Saturday night i was on the computer and was searching for things on google or whatever it was. Anyway what had been searched for previously came up.....porn. I didnt know what to do or say. I flipped. I went completely mental...its not about looking at the porn thats upset me, its the trust. He promised me nothing like that would happen again. Im panicking that this is how it started before and i am so scared that hes going to do something again. I asked him why and he said it was because he'd wanted attention. We hadnt had sex because...wait for it...id had a bleed and it was a threatened miscarriage and was advised not to. Can you believe that? Im so angry. Id asked him why he didnt come and talk to me...im not a mind reader and he had admitted that he thought he was being pathetic and it was the easy way out. I totally lost it with him...

It was about 1am and he wanted to go clear his head so he said he was going for a 10min walk. I let him go because i was just too emotional and probz just being a bitch lol. Anyway 20mins go by and no sign....i didnt want to phone him because i knew he needed space but i was getting worried. Anyway he phoned me soon after and he had been jumped by 2 men and beat up...totally random attack. He had to go to a & e and he has bruised ribs.

Yesterday was a very weird day....it was fathers day. Id only had 2 hrs sleep. DF was battered and bruised and i was wondering why i was in the relationship. It was a very emotional day. DF has begged me to give him a chance to prove that it was a one time thing and that i can trust him.

I just dont know, im scared that im putting myself up to get hurt again and im not sure i could cope with that. I love him with all my heart and ive never loved anyone in the same way. Im so lost. Im sorry this is so long but it helps when i get things down. Makes things easier to deal with. Im not sure how i should be feeling or what i should be thinking. Totally confused.