05-7-2009 - Hard Times

My mood while writing this blog: Beyond Words

Dariuan is a few days shy of four months old. He's about 12 pounds now, that seems small to me. When he goes for his shots I'm going to ask the doctor to prescribe him some vitamins... maybe that will help him put on more weight. He is still wearing a size 1 diaper!! For him to be so small he sure can make alot of noise. When he's mad he crys soooo loud! I think he's starting to get spoiled because he always wants to be held or propped up on a pillow so he can see everything.

I finally took him to see his dad on fathers day. I didn't bring Darius this time because I wanted to see how the visiting room was... he doesnt like to sit still so I wanted to make sure it was big. They has a little play center set up for the children so I will def bring him next time.It was nice. We were able to sit outside so his oldest son could play basketball. It wasn't how I expected it to be. The prison actually looked like my high school. It had no gates, wires or glass! I even saw Ron Isley there with his extra young wife and their baby. I forgot Dariuan's pacifer in the car and I didnt realize it until after I signed in (once you leave the building the visit is over) I'm like OMG he's going to cry the whole time!! But to my surpise he didn't cry once! Antuan held him and he was just smiling and being a happy baby. It was hard for me to leave him! He got so big... before he went in he was extra skinny, now he has put on a lil weight and built up some musles! I couldn't stop looking at his arms, lol. Words can't begin to describe how much I miss him. It's VERY hard taking care of these two kids on my own. I live with my mom so that makes it even harder. She always like to give her opinion or have something smart to say but is never willing to help me! I dont expect her to do everything but a little help here and now is ok. When ever my oldest boy is in the kitchen with her he says he thirsty and she'll be like go tell ur mom to get you some water.... I think thats just crazy and petty.

I think I'm suffering from depression but I don't know what to do about it. I had a doctor's appt some time last week to get my mirena but I couldn't go because I didn't have anyone to either go with me or keep the kids. I don't think the doctor would allow the kids to be in the room while I was getting it plus I don't have a double stroller and it's no way Darius was going to sit still the whole time! I was planning on talking to him about it then. Darius is getting to be a handful. It's getting to the point that I don't leave the house with the two of them because I cant handle them both by myself. Between Dariuan crying and Darius running around hitting some one it's too much to handle. Going to the grocery store is even outta the question... with them two there's no room for food in my cart!!!

I also still havent heard from Darius' dad. I'm assuming he got all the pictures I sent to him a while back... he didn't respond or anything! But thats expected.

I guess this is long depressing blog is long enough, lol. I just needed to say that to someone since I don't really have any one I can talk to about my problems.