23-6-2008 - tellin the father..

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

Well where do I start? First I'm new 2 all this so u might have 2 bear with me a bit..if any1 actually reads the crap I'm capable of writing..so if u can put up with it then read on..if not..sorry!!

I spose a bit of history would be good.

My (ex)partner and I have been together since I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd daughter who is now coming up to 18 months..we'd always said we'd have kids..anyway, as with most relationships we've had some rough times as well with some truely beautiful times. I mean come on girls..how many times do u meet a man who makes u feel so amazing AND makes u laff AND is consederate and kind AND u find so attractive u cnt imagine bein without him?

Not many, not in my experience..Iv been fortunate enough 2 have had that with this man, the father of my unborn baby.

Anyway..lots of water has passed under lots of bridges tho we managed 2 get back together a cpl of months ago. Thru 1 reason or another we decided that now was the right time 2 start tryin 4 our own little sprog..n all the trimmings like living together and being a family.

I don't kno how many women experience the 'knowing' ur preg but I do..have with all 3..but with all 3 all my docs tests came back neg until I was over 2months gone..I did a home test it was pos, then a doc gave a neg..ive got head crap anyway bt truely started 2 believe that I was going mad thinkin I was preg, n nt actually being preg. I am not excusin the fact that I then proceeded 2 get drunk n accuse my (ex)partner of gettin my best friend (of all people) preg.

Where I got that idea is beyond me, my best m8 adores her fella and loves me too much 2 do that, let alone the fact my partner couldnt and wouldnt do that 2 me and stay wiv me. Even so I said it, and he rode away on his bike.

That was nearly 3 weeks ago. He won't talk 2 me n has decided we will never b together again. I've just found out im definately preg, 8 weeks in fact, so i told him by text (well he won't talk 2 me). Instead of askin how I was or anything nice he was straight away sayin 'r u sure cos we'll never b together'. This is after I don't kno how many talks we had on how I couldn't have a baby aborted (especially one I had actively tried to have).

So readers..guess wot old big mouthed smarty pants has said now? It's either me, the girls and the bub or nothing. I can't face him comin and goin in n out of my, my girls and the baby's lives like that. My eldest is so upset that we've split again that she cries herself 2 sleep askin where he is..which obviously kills me.

I even gave him a week 2 think about wot he wants, but he just came straight bak with the whole 'we'll never b together' thing again n again..

...and here I am, sat in my bedroom, with my black puddin n bacon bap (my strange new love) and nothin but 2 sleeping girls and my laptop as company.

U kno, this time it was goin 2 b different, he had already started 2 talk 2 my tum!! Both my other children were accidents, tho very beautiful ones, and me n their fathers were never that serious that we'd have tried 4 a child. This time we had decided we wanted 2 b a family and loved each other enuff 2 try 4 a bub..that no matter wot happened we'd work thru any problems together, not runnin at the hardest of hurdles.

How ironic then that Im left here, on the other side of the 1st hurdle and yet Im alone? How fair is that? So here I go again on my own..it'll b me n my girls who hear its heartbeat the 1st time and c it 4 the 1st time..but no matter how special that will still b, it won't come close 2 having him there with me, next 2 me every step of the way..