25-8-2008 - heartbroken..stupid hormones..

My mood while writing this blog: Ok

well its been a while since the last blog.

where shall I start? Been having really good time of it until yesterday. We had walked miles on Saturday and i was so exhausted my fella said to have a quiet day yesterday. So I did.

I've been waiting for my landlady to tell me my new rent amount, for her to give me change from my last rent payment last week, and for her to fix my oven (which gave up the ghost last monday). So obviously I've been gettin more upset/wound-up as the time has passed.

Anway, I started moaning about it to the fella last night n it turned into a 7 hour arguement..bringing up all my head shit (sorry bout the language :( ). He left this morning ok with me but a bit off. I've not heard from him all day and now he saying if I take my crap out on him again he walking (again) and that being pregnant no excuse (even though ive not used it as one-he has). I t doesnt look like he coming back here after and that he'll be staying at his 2night :(

im in bits and dont know what to do. I cant eat and am being sick again. My head hurts. I thought writing this would help but its not. The only thing thats gonna help is him comin back here. I feel like my heart is breaking.

I have been suffering from mental health issues most of my life mainly through abuse from neglect by both my parents, my 'symptoms' are self-harm (of varying degrees) and anorexia. For the last few months ive been participating in a research programme into how accupuncture may benefit and help self harmers. Until today it has really been helping and working well. But tonight I have cut myself worse than have done in a long time. I am disgusted by myself again and feel worthless again.

I feel very scared and very lonely right now. I can't tell my friends cos its not the first time and they have prob had more than enough of telling me he doesnt understand me or kno how to put up with me (!!!)

My family are all dead or have disowned me (mainly cos of a spiteful step-mum) and so I dont have anyone i can turn to when i need support and love, he is all i have.

Sorry for such a deep and depressing blog but I didnt kno what else to do :(

Just hope he comes back 2nite