26-1-2009 - Sadness at work

My mood while writing this blog: Numb

I work for a company that runs group homes for adults with developmental disabilities. This is what I tell people I do when they ask about my job. The truth is, though, that I work for a small company that helps 34 PEOPLE live normal lives even though these PEOPLE have disabilities that could be looked at as set backs.

This past weekend, I took a group of these people up north on an ice fishing trip. It was a great time - yet it was challenging at times. We had fun and I love them all like they are family. I have been doing this for eight and a half years and really care about these people - they have been an important part of my life for so very long and have taught me so much about myself.

Unfortunately, in this field, the life expectancy can be less than average and sadly some members of this family of mine do pass away. I understand that it is a part of life and that we are here to give them the best possible experiences that they could ever receive. So as we were ice fishing this weekend, I got a call from the owner of the company. She had originally planned on driving the two and a half hours to come ice fishing with us (that is how small and close this company really is). Her call was to inform me that she wouldn't be able to make it, that one of our consumers had passed away around 2pm on Saturday. I was heartbroken. I had watched this man with the most beautiful heart and most genuine smile deteriorate so rapidly and had now moved on to a better place.

I was instructed that it would be best not to say anything during our ice fishing trip. That was the right thing to do, I know, but it was hard to put on a happy face and act as though we didn't just lose someone who holds such a dear place in our hearts. I had to put my pregnancy hormones aside and put a smile on my face, even though I just wanted to break down and cry.

So we made the most of the weekend and left on Sunday. On our way home, my phone rang. It was one of our staff asking me if I'd heard the news. I said "about Stanley?" The staff said "No, Earl." I said no I heard that Stan had passed away. This staff told me that they had gotten a call from another staff that Earl had passed away. I hung up the phone really confused. I decided it would be best to call my coworker that would know the facts since what I was just told sounded like it came through a grapevine. My coworker confirmed that both gentlemen passed away within 12 hours of eachother. This comes as such a shock to me - I am sad & in disbelief. To lose a part of our family is devastating enough, but to lose two people in one day is unbelievable. Earl was going to be 86 and passed away in his sleep. That is the way I'd like to go when I go.

So here I sit at work, trying to plan two funerals for people that I cared for very deeply. The hardest part is that we are a business and we need to keep moving forward as businesses do. The greiving process is cut short because we need to contact ten thousand people in a professional matter to let them know that the funding and insurance and appointments need to be cancelled. We need to update our accounting records and change our staffing patterns to accommodate the new needs of the homes. We have to figure out how soon we can get new people moved in to these homes because our business is not as profitable when we have open beds. Yes I understand we need to continue moving forward as a business, but I feel so insensitive doing all of this.

I just want to cry.

Stanley and Earl you will be missed. You were loved very much and touched us all in many special ways.