16-7-2009 - 38.5 week appt.

My mood while writing this blog: Overwhelmed

I saw my doctor today & I am dialated between a 2 & 3 and I am starting to efface. She stripped my membranes and said she could feel the suchures in the baby's head. Apparantly that's what they call the places in the skull where the plates meet. I thought that was interesting. Plus I've only gained 13 pounds this whole pregnancy which is great!

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately. I'm not in that big of a hurry to have the baby, but I do want my husband to be here for the birth! Currently he is unemployed and may be going to Fargo to work starting Monday. That's three hours away from home & I'm afraid that he'll miss the big event. I've been instructed by my doctor to think of someone else who I'd want in the delivery room with me if Ben can't be there. I have a great support group but there are issues that make me hesitant to have other people there with me. For example:

My mom is one of my best friends but breastfeeding makes her squeamish, I don't think she'd be the best person to be my support person.

My sister is awesome, but she's seven years younger than me & has no children. I've always looked over her, so I'm not sure I feel comfortable with her looking at me in that vulnerable of a state. I love her dearly & she'd appreciate it so much, but this is about me, not her.

My best friend is not able to have children & has serious jealousy issues when it comes to pregnancy. I understand where she's coming from and think it would be too hard on us to go thru that together.

So I have a close friend who has a child & I'm very comfortable with. She is probably the person that I would want & I know she would do it. It's just that we are the type of friends that can go months without seeing each other, but then we can spend every day together for weeks, and we always just feel comfortable together. I think that the other people listed above would have hurt feelings if I chose her over them. I know it's not about them but I tend to be a people pleaser & a couple of them might hold a grudge.

I know we will be fine in a few months as far as finances go, but right now it is unbearable. Ben only has one quarter left until he graduates and then he shouldn't have any trouble finding a job, but in the meantime, no one wants to hire someone who is going back to school in September. I don't have any paid leave so we really need him to be working so we can pay the bills.

I just started bawling at my doctors appointment today when she said "you look tired." I said "I'm just stressed" and lost it. I was embarrassed, but she understands & is such a great doctor. She said that she'll see me next Wednesday & if I'm still pregnant by then we'll schedule an induction. Hopefully Ben will be able to be there if we schedule an induction.

I know it will all be fine, but it's just making me crazy right now!

I hope you are all doing well today!

Anyhow, I just wanted to say I hope you hang in there and try not to stress too much. I have wondered where you have been. I know you have been around, but just not as much as before. I hope things get better for you. *hugs*