10-8-2009 - Feeling lost

My mood while writing this blog: sad

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. We were making so many plans now all thats on hold. We wanted to get married next Aug but I don't want to spend so much money when we might need that for IVF. I get angry at comments friends and family make like at least you know you can get pregnant and it's just not meant to be. I havn't really prevented pregnancy for about 15 years only accasionally going on the pill for a short time. I fell pregnant last year which was a shock but I was so happy. I was worried as me and my partner hadn't been together for long. We were both gutted when I mc. We both felt so guilty for the brief moment that my bf wasn't sure about the pregnancy. I still feel angry towards him and it's stupid I know but it feels like God punished us. I feel so useless that I am unable to get pregnant and stay pregnant.

My bf was adopted and I just want to give him his own flesh and blood. He's had a good life and couln't have asked for a better family. I was brought up in childrens homes and I want to have that family Iv'e always longed for. I was a single parent my daughter hasn't got a dad and it's been just me and her for a big chunk of her life. She's not maternal at all and doesn't like children but I'm sure she'll come round. She's been the centre of attention and she's just scared, after all at that age it's all about me, me, me.