15-8-2008 - Birth Story, Riley Jean

My mood while writing this blog: Numb

Alrighty.. Here is my story..

Well on Dec. 6th. of 2007 I didn't feel Riley move that much. I looked up things on the internet about baby movement towards the end of your pregnancy. Everything sad that the baby will move less closer to their due date. Well I thought she was moving. On Dec. 7th. 2007 at about 7 pm, I told my husband, Zane, that Riley hasn't moved all day. I called my mom. I told her Riley had not moved in a while. She told me to go to the doctors. I told Zane and we drove to the Hospital. On the way to the hospital I was telling Zane that one of my sister's friends lost her baby the day before she was due. I also told him that I knew everything would be ok. I got to the hospital. The Nurses laid me on a bed and tryed to find Riley's heart beat. They couldn't find it. I knew something was wrong because they always found her heart beat. They had always said it was so strong. Well then they tried to tell me it was an old machine. I started screaming. "My baby, My baby, why me why me." They tryed an ultra sound. I knew what they saw, but they wouldn't tell me. Again they said it was an old machine. They brought a different ultra sound machine. I remember looking at the screen. I remember seeing her lil head and body and her heart was not beating. I remember looking at my husband and him holding me and me screaming and crying. "Its not fair, why does this happen to good people." The nurses started crying and called for the doctor.

I had to deliever Riley. She was born Dec. 8th. 2007 at 1731 hours. 4 days before her correct due date. The thing that sticks out in my mind, is when you deliever your child you hear crys. I heard silence. complete silence. I didn't look at her until she was cleaned up and wrapped. I remember while the doctor was cleaning me up. One of the nurses was rocking her back and forth, as if she was trying to make her not cry. My nurses where great.

Riley Jean Jansky. She was gorgeous. She looked exactly like Zane, dark hair, his eyes and nose, and lips. She was real big too, 8lbs 15oz. 21 inches.

Zane and I held Riley for a while. We invited out family in. I sat there and watched and imagined Riley alive and what it would of been like to watch her grow up. The family left and I held her a lil longer. I didn't want to keep her to long, because I thought, the longer I keep her, I wouldn't want to give her to the nurses. I wanted her to look peaceful and alive. I wanted my last memory of my daughter to be peaceful. I didn't want to keep her until she looked as if she had passed. We kissed our daughter goodbye. Before they tooked her I took my fnger and ran them over her nose and the creases of her lil eyes. I kissed her on her forehead and told her I loved her.

The doctor said Riley passed due to a cord accident. he said he found 2 clots in her cord. he told me that she might have grabbed the cord whch caused the clots or shemight have rolled and pinched the cord. he told me that she did not feel any pain. she passed out and feel asleep and didn't wake up.

The nurses dressed her in her outfit for pictures. They made lil castings of her feet and hands. They cut a lil piece of her hair and put it in a lil memory box. It was very sweet.

We had a lil ceremony for her that next sunday. It was nice. We had Riley Cremated, so that if we decided to move somewhere we would not have to leave her alone.

I just want my lil girl. i wanted my lil friend. I wanted to see her grow up and to give my husband his lil baby girl. Before I was pregnant I never wanted a baby. Now I want one. I want my baby and to be a mother. I want my Riley.

I am still at the why me, what if stage. I have my good days and my bad days. I know she is in a better place. She knew that My husband and I had very dangerous jobs and she wanted to be our guardian angel.

If there are grammar errors I am sorry I didn't reread this i didn't want to cry again.