27-3-2009 - Needing to vent, would love some advice

My mood while writing this blog: torn

I wish somethings would get easier, and I wish I knew how to get through to him. Im tired of sarcastic half ass answers.

All I do is try to make him happy, yet I cant help but feel that nothing I do will ever be enough, and maybe its that being me wont make him happy.

Im tired of the name calling and the argueing, its not fair for Logan to be around. Im tired of loving him unconditionally and not feeing it in return. Im tired of loving him when I wish I could stop so its easier to leave.

Before and for the first 7 weeks of logans life we were doing so well, and over the past month hes changed so much. Its like I dont even know him anymore. I have a deep feeling that there is someone else on his mind. I cook,clean, take care of the baby, all I ask for is attention. I understand he works all day, but I am not home partying either. I miss the way we were, I miss the butterflys and the feeling of his warmth.

I have to fight for sex most of the time, and WHEN we have it, its so planned and by the books. Theres no more romance, or passion, in anything in our relationship.

Everytime I tell myself I am going to leave I never do, I hope he changes and never does. Hes been lieing, about money and his feelings, who hes talking to and what not. I was laid off, after being on disability since November, so money is very tight, so it is a big deal when money goes missing. So I find out he bought something online, whatever it was 10 bucks I dont want to fight, so I ask him about it and he says he didnt buy a thing.Another stupid lie. So I dont even yell, i just tear up as usual and say, why lie to me? It then escalates and now hes calling me a fucking bitch and telling me to get a job. ME GET A JOB? sorry if raising our son and making our home isnt good enough! First off I tryed to go back! I didnt ask to have a complicated pregnancy and have to leave early! Im exclusively breastfeeding and my son wont take a bottle,STILL. Apparently I dont appreciate him working. Please, if i didnt appreciate him he wouldnt come home to a clean house, a hot dinner, or our perfect son. Its to the point now where hes just sarcastic..And then we have an arguement about him not wanting sex, how I ask for it too much, CAUSE SEX ONCE A WEEK IS TOO MUCH, and I ask is it me? He then answers sarcastically how he thinks of his ex gf during sex! Im tired of telling myself that he will change. Im tired of crying , im tired of wishing he was different. I loved who he was. Hes not that person anymore. Hed much rather stay up all night , screw it, spend all day and all night playing his XBOX than spending time with his son and I.

Everything about him changed, we dont cuddle, he sleeps facing away from me now, I feel as if I am sleeping with a stranger.. He says hes the same and that nothing is wrong, but I know something is up. He just cant decide when he wants to be a good father, or a good fiance. He cant choose when I am good enough and when I am not. I want to leave, I dont know why I dont. I want to move on but I cant!

I just want to know what I did wrong, or what I am not doing, I want him back. We put everything on the line to be together, and now he just makes it seem as if it was all for nothing.

Sorry for bitching, I feel completely alone besides having Logan. I love Dennis with all my heart, but I am beyond exhasuted with fighting.