18-10-2008 - BFN

My mood while writing this blog: disapointed

I am 3 days late for my AF. I could not help myself and so I tested this morning. We are back to getting the BFN's... For three years Brian and I tried for our first child... three years of me taking a test every month just so I could know for sure. When I finally did get that BFP I was so overcome with joy. Finally I would get what we had wanted for so long. I was so happy and thankful for it everyday. I had never been more happy in my whole life. I have always had problems with depression and as soon as I got that BFP it was completely wiped away and I felt so weightless. I keep replaying the scene at my first doctors appointment when she said the baby was only 8 weeks instead of 12 and she couldnt find the heartbeat. I was just confused when she first sat us down in her office to explain. And once we made it to the car I was completely inconsolable. We went back to my mothers house and her first words were let me see the US pictures and my husband ahad to tell her what the doctor had told us. I did not leave my bedroom for nearly a week. I sobbed incontrolable everyday. I just remember hugging my mom and asking God to please not take him. Please dont let him be gone. It was all so sureal until I woke up in the hospital bed from my surgery where I sobbed for 2 hours straight.

Today is my husband and I's 6 year aniversary. I wish I could be happy to just have him and leave it at that but I am so down. I just want to be able to smile for him and I cant because I am still so hurt. I was really hoping that getting a BFP would help me to smile for once. I am devestated to be back to the continuous strain fo BFN's everytime I am a little late.